Getting ready to leave

[Overtherainbow2]

Hi,

I moved to the UK (detail removed by moderator). I have lived in an abusive relationship from the beginning of our marriage. He received my salary when we were living in an (detail removed by moderator), and keep all our savings. We moved to England when I was pregnant, he said everything was sort it and I lived here for (detail removed by moderator) without the right visa (just my tourism permit) leaving me depending 100% on him and his will with his mother (detail removed by moderator) I needed to go back my country to sort my spouse visa.

We moved to a lovely area where I had a strong group of friends. When we lived there, I had to call the police because when he arrived home angry because I called him several times begging for help. The baby was sick and I needed helped, I was extremely exhausted. He started shouting, I told him to stop the baby was finally sleeping. He didn’t stop and started being aggressive, I ran to the baby’s room and he pushed me (detail removed by moderator) baby was sleeping there..

He decided to buy a property in an other “up and coming area” where I still don’t have any friends or family, I think is horrible. He made me signed the loan telling me that after that we will (detail removed by moderator) to my home country that it was a good investment, Moving to my country was the plan from the beginning of our marriage we just came for (detail removed by moderator).

He (detail removed by moderator), and leave me with all the childcare while I have a full time job.

He is an alcoholic, and I can’t ask him to do anything (please can you put your plate in the dishwasher) his answer would be: I am quoting “(detail removed by moderator)”

He manipulates my daughter, saying he is sad because I want to abandon them and because I don’t love him anymore. Leaving my daughter sad, afraid I would go, and anxious.

I finally feel really to move forward. But I don’t know what steps I should take. I started with this forum. And I will be honest, I cried like a baby when I put a name to what I was going though “phycological violence” I am not crazy, I am not fantasizing, or I am not delusional as he keep saying until I believe it.

I can see the fury in his eyes after we come back from holidays and he realised I would not change my mind to divorce him. He is drinking again. And coming back home very late. I don’t mind any more. It’s actually best.

He keeps saying that I will destroy our life’s if I go, that I will ruin my daughters life. And threaten he won’t never see my daughter again. Other days the opposite, that he will take the custody or I will never go back to my home country at the other side of the world which was my nightmare. Now I embrace it. I know it will be almost impossible to take full custody and take her with me. And I will lever leaver her. I am not scared any more. I am just planing my next steps.

Questions:
1. Should I tell my GP. He keeps saying that I have anger management issues. I been in therapy for over a year. And I don’t get angy with him any more. Never with my daughter (normal stuff, I am terribly patient with her, I justify her actions because of what we have gone through) so I am worry social service will interfere and he will say I am agresive with her or him)
2. Lawyer, can I afford it? I just started working I have an entry lever salary. Can I get free support? I am worry it won’t be good. He is very smart and can turn things agains me.
I had a conversation with a private lawyer and mentioned the possibility to make him pay his fee as I want to move out
3. Moving out. I said to my phycologist the other day that I was just waiting for him to hit me. I feel it coming. His fear and anger because I don’t react to anything he does any more (silence, coming back late, festivals, trips, reconciliation? Nothing! And that is not because I am pretending. I just don’t care at all) but I should probably wait until I have profs of his behaviour?
Many thanks

[Lisa]

Hello Overtherainbow2,

Thank you for sharing your situation with us and welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, it sounds like such a difficult and distressing time for you.

Unfortunately it is very common for abusers to accuse us of having anger problems, or to reflect other traits that they embody onto us (for example, they might accuse us of being controlling, aggressive, angry etc. when in fact they exhibit these traits themselves). This is a manipulation tactic and it can be incredibly frustrating.

Is your therapist aware of your husbands behaviour towards you? If so, have they been supportive and shown an understanding of the dynamics of domestic abuse? It’s really important to have support from those who will not minimise the abuse or blame us for what’s happening.

It could be a good idea to speak to your GP about what’s happening, particularly as he has made threats towards you and your daughter and you mention you believe he is capable of physical violence towards you and this is concerning. Your GP should help you by referring you for appropriate support and offering advice.

If you would like some initial free legal advice, you could contact the Rights of Women, they have a Family and Criminal Law advice line, as well as an Immigration advice line, so they could dbe a good service to look into, their website is: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/

You might also want to consider contacting your local domestic abuse support service, they can be found here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Overtherainbow2]

Thank you very much Lisa

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