Give me strength!! Controlling behaviour continues :0(

[Getmylifeback]

God i’m so mad.
Firstly yesterday I said I was going to be home at an approx. time and i’d get kids to ring him before they went to bed. I went to a relatives with the kids for tea (which he knew) and ended up staying a bit longer. Pulled up outside my house and heard my phone ringing (which is in the boot, the old banger I’ve had to get myself doesn’t have hands free!!)
I see there are 8 missed calls over a 40 minute period. I ring back and faced with a mouthful of abuse how i’d said i’d ring him at a particular time and was nearly an hour late and he wouldn’t have it. How when the kids are with him next time he’ll not answer the phone to me and wait me wait and worry. I told him to get a grip and that if I rang and he didn’t answer i’d presume he was busy like NORMAL people would.

At work today around lunchtime and was in a meeting. Saw him ring (phone on silent) then got a message saying please ring me. 20 mins later received another call so i answered and said i’d call back as was in a meeting. Got a grunt and ok. Rang when came out meeting and got the 10th degree on didn’t i have a dinner break, that he thought i was being awkward on purpose and didn’t want to talk to him on my dinner, etc.

When does it ever end 🙁 in the end it was a simple question which could have waited until after work anyway.

I know what you’re going to say, i should go no contact apart from with kids but i’m so scared as the next step will be the ‘official’ split, divorce etc. I don’t quality for legal aid (earn too much but certainly not enough after paying all my bills etc on my own for £250 an hour solicitor fees) so i’m messing myself. He’s loaded so wont be concerned at all dragging it on as long as possible.

On day i feel on top of the world then i get this and think (detail removed by moderator) i didn’t have to worry about money, lived in a nice big house, had a nice car. Now i’m in debt (had to borrow money to set up a new home), got a cr*p car and in a small rented house 🙁

On the up side kids seem to be settling down and seem happy….

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there,

I’m afraid I am going to say what you have guessed – it would be really good if you could go no contact with him and keep it strictly to the children and then from having read on other posts on here, keep it to email so if he does become abusive it’s there black on white. He is still very much controlling you with the incessant calling – he is never going to wait till after work to ask something as that would mean letting go of an oppertunity to cause you upset. This way he still gets to abuse you even if you aren’t living together 🙁

Are you getting any support from WA? Perhaps they could help provide advice x

Your children’s reaction (settling down, happy) tells you, you made the right decision leaving him x

[Flowerchild]

Hang on a minute, GMLB, darling – you’ve left him, right? So what gives him the right to pester you – AT WORK – demanding attention and trying to dictate how long you have for lunch?! Let alone stressing you about time-keeping for phonecalls!

He is harassing you and there are laws against that for exactly this kind of situation!

He needs a shot across the bows. There are children so you cannot go fully to no contact; I get that. Always Sorry is spot on suggesting email only, though. That way you can change your phone number or block him from calling and if his only way in is by email, it’s all on record: when he gets in touch, how often and exactly what he says. That will give him a moment of pause for a start. He’ll be imagining it all printed out and read in court, which you can’t for voice calls.

Suggestion from me; when you agree to anything, like children calling him, NEVER commit to a time, not even a range of times. That just hands him a stick to beat you with and creates stressful deadlines. The children will phone him ‘when convenient’ or ‘after the evening meal’. If he pushes for time details, just refuse, saying something like ‘family life does not run to strict timetables, especially outside school term-time, and there will be no commitment to externally imposed deadlines.’ That should stop some of the pestering.

Do you supervise his calls to the children? He sounds such a stress merchant that perhaps you should, just to be sure he isn’t undoing all the good being away from him has done them. If he is grilling them about you or ramping up the pressure on them he might need a carefully worded warning about that, too!

Good luck, darling, and remember, you’ve left him now! There is absolutely no reason to allow him to reach in and interfere with your day-to-day calm and happiness like this. He can try: you need not comply.

Flower x

[KIP.]

I think you should visit a solicitor for legal advice. Most offer half an hour free initial consultation. You might find when you know what you’re really entitled to in a divorce it will make your decision for you. My ex told me for years I’d get nothing and I’d lose my house. Pack of lies. I’m sitting in the family home, mortgage free and he’s not got a huge mortgage round his neck elsewhere. Know the facts. Once a contact order is in place, and this can be done without beginning divorce proceedings, you will all know the rules. You also should agree an official separation date so that he can’t run up debt in both you’re names. You could ask a third party to talk to him as a buffer and change your number. He’s less likely to bombard them with calls and texts, but can still contact you via them for anything urgent. This controlling behaviour is going to get worse. And it will badly affect your mental health. You don’t have to put up with this behaviour. You are in charge x

[FreeAgain]

Hello lovely
I work from home and have had to go down the EMAIL ONLY route because being at home he feels he can bombard me, like your one does too.
It has helped a lot you just have to be strict with yourself to only check for emails at certain time, like first thing and later after work, not in between times. My ex keep insisting on my new mobile number ‘in case of dire emergency’but I have refused as we don’t have kids (only dogs!)so what emergencies he’s imagining I don’t know.

Do you have an Employee Assistance Programme at work or benefits etc? I am like you that now I live alone (with 2 dogs) I can’t afford a solicitor but we have legal support through benefits at work. I am using this to fill out the D8 fomrs for divorce and getting advice for that. I might have to get a solicitor later but at least at the moment it’s free.
Take care x

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you all for your replies.

I have paid for a one hour session with a solicitor so understand basically what is be entitled to, ie half of the house, cars, other assets and savings. It’s take me 5 mins to do my financial statement, it’s take him hours!! 🙄

Problem is I always promised I wouldn’t go fur half if we ever split as he had the house before we met. It doesn’t morally fit with me even if it’s legal. It would start a war.

Next step is to see a mortgage advisor to see what max I can borrow is then work out what deposit I need then chuck another 10k on top to get a decent car and nest egg let over.

I just don’t know how I’ll afford the solicitor fees to do this, he reckoned if it was all contested could be approx 15k and has to be paid as we go along.

I struggle with the idea of no contact with the kids. What if something was wrong with one of them, what when they want to ring to say good night?

[Flowerchild]

You promised you’d never seek half the house? Hmmm.

No 1, he’s broken his promises to you all over the place, so I’d say that’s a deal-breaker for any that you made.
No 2, this is the children’s future home we’re talking about, it’s not just about you, darling.
No 3. If you want to stick by your promises, 49% is less than half…

Flower x

[diymum@1]

his contact with kids needs to be strictly set with men like this. from experience they use anything to get at you. he will also do it through them so bare that in mind when you feel any guilt. its not your guilt its his he brought you to this point xx you didnt xx

love diymum

[KIP.]

Take absolutely everything you’re entitled to by law. You’re going to need as much as you can for your children’s future. If he is prepared to give you what you’re entitled to, your bill should be nowhere near this. From what I know is only 50/50 of what was accrued during the marriage. Check with your solicitor. You owe him nothing. The minute he became abusive he broke all promises made. You will get nothing from him unless he’s made to give it to you. The gloves are off. Be prepared.

[Getmylifeback]

Thanks all.

My solicitor said because my name was put on the mortgage about (detail removed by moderator) years ago and my name is on the land registry deeds that I own 50%. Things like pensions are only since you got married.

I just feel so uneasy about it all. I wish I could just walk away buy I know I can’t as don’t want to be renting forever.

He’s got kids (detail removed by moderator), meant to be over night but they both want to come home (says a lot eh!). I

He wanted to come (detail removed by moderator) so although I was home reading a book with a pack of Maltesers(first time I’ve ever been able to do this before 9pm! ) I said no as I was going out and that if he wants it next time to plan ahead 👍😁

The little things!!

[diymum@1]

go you!! stick to your guns – keep him in his place 🙂 ps i love maltesers and a book bliss 😀 xxxx

[J@jmum]

Sorting a divorce by yourself isn’t so hard, I’m near the end of mine and I succeeded with over 60% split for me and kids side. The forms aren’t so tricky.
Yes he will push, yes he will be difficult BUT He can not prevent u divorcing him and if he doesn’t agree then the court decides for u both and they usually fall favour to the kids.

Contact reduce and restrict, trust me!
He will rule your life forever if you don’t and it won’t improve.
Limit his knowledge of your life, routine and whereabouts. He uses it to control u.

He is an ex so contact only needs to be about the kids and cutting ties.

[KIP.]

That’s positive news. Take everything your and the kids are entitled to. In the future, once you’re all settled, if you want to be generous then you can do so. But if you back down you will be working and sweating while he sits back enjoying himself. And don’t expect him to spend it on his children. You’re in control now. If you give him and inch he will take a mile and keep on taking. Just say you’re leaving it in the hands of your solicitor to get you the best deal possible. He can’t bully and manipulate them but he will try to do so with you. And they are pathological liars. No doubt he’s hidden money away. Be very careful x

[EbonyRaven]

I understand where you’re coming from with 50% not sitting easy. Can you work out what a really good deposit for a house is, add some for a car and some to put into trust for the children, and ask for that instead?

Although I agree that he gave up his rights to be treated nicely once he abused you I can also understand your feelings in it. If you really can’t reconcile yourself to asking for 50%, ask for what will make life safe, secure and comfortable for the children.

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