Go back?

[Grateful]

I left my husband and have had no contact since I went. He has been sending messages and emails but I’ve ignored them.

He has apologised to all the family and acknowledges he’said behaved appallingly (his words). He’s seeing 2 councillors (relate and psychotherapist),doing mediation to stay calm and wants time to show me how he is behaving better. He wants to make me smile and to make it better.

After a long non-contact period,I have had to work with him for the (detail removed by moderator) and that has been enjoyable… I have managed to admit that I cry nearly all the time since leaving ànd I feel dreadful -sad, lonely at leaving my home and child and whenever I cry he wants to hug me.

I told him that I feared hum entering the house or room because of his constant (non-physical ) abuse.
He just received the divorce papers from my solicitor which I did the moment i left but took a while being drafted, and is gutted! He want to make it better but obviously needs time. When I told him how awful I felt at home he said I’d shown more emotion in 10 minutes than I ever had in last (detail removed by moderator) years. He just sent me being so cold and emotionless and felt rejected so got angry.
Because I know he has tried to improve himself and we’ve been fine together ,I just don’t know if I should go back and give him time to demonstrate his intent.
I feel too fearful that I’m doomed if he reverts though. …

[lover of no contact]

Hi Grateful and welcome to the Forum,

Definitely don’t go back. This is part of the pattern. The abusers abuse then they default into being nice again to keep us from leaving the abusive relationship. The only reason he wants you back is so he can hurt you again. He gets a high and feels Powerful when he can cause emotion (hurt, anger, fear) to gush forth from you. He loves knowing he caused this.

Words are easy to utter. He can be nice for a while as an act to ‘hoover you back into the relationship but he can’t sustain that as he has no love to give. He does not possess empathy, only fury, anger and jealousy. All the good qualities he portrays are part of his façade.

Can you have have access to your child. Your child needs to be with you the loving parent not with the abusive one.

[KIP.]

Please please dont go back. I can sense in your post that hes just like my ex. Still blaming you for his violent behaviour. He felt rejected so got angry. Go back to no contact. You need time away to free yourself from the fog of abuse. Trust your gut. You are fearful for a reason. Google cycle of abuse.

[Tiffany]

I think the thing that is ringing alarm bells for me is the fact that he is still blaming you for the abuse. You were cold so he got angry… The advice from women’s aid is very much that he will not change and that you are best to stay away. Personally I find it hard to believe that people are irredeemable, and that abusers can’t change if they really want to. However that change cannot happen if they cannot own up to their actions and accept the consequences. Mine started getting help a while before I left. He was in counselling and his behaviour improved a lot. But he still believed that I, not he was the root cause of his emotions. They didn’t come from him in his eyes, he didn’t own them. That attitude entitled him, in his eyes to abuse me mentally and physically. And even when he got his temper under control he still emotionally abused me, guilt tripped me, and generally did everything he could to keep me in his power. I’m afraid that your man sounds similar. Just reading what you wrote made my stomach turn in anxiety because it sounded so much like the last stages of my relationship. Please keep yourself safe and don’t trust him. My last few weeks with my ex were the best we had had for years. Right up until the point he started emotionally abusing me again.

Also I think it is worth bearing in mind that we tend to slide into familiar patterns with people. It will be as easy to fall back into an abusive relationship with him as it is to, oh I don’t know, to be embarrassed by your parents as though you were still a teenager. Or remind your grown up kids to perform basic tasks – I am living with my parents after years away and Mum still checks I have eaten breakfast before work and reminds me to go to bed…

Finally I think that your recovery will be easier without him. After all he is basically the biggest trigger there is, so it is going to be much harder to sort out your feelings and priorities with him around.

Good luck, Tiffany

[Grateful]

Thanks ladies for your advice. It really helped me see past the charm and hoovering.

Tiffany, in particular, I took heed of two points you made about my coldness didnt make him angry and habits of behaviour.

Go back? -never!

[Tiffany]

I am so glad that it helped.

[Dragonfly]

He just turned it around on to you by saying you showed more emotion in the last 10 minutes than you have in x amount of years. Shifting the focus on to you. Glad you’ve seen the light.

[Confused123]

do not go back, this is just a game he will go back to old habbits

[Author]

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