Going back after counselling-can they change?

[Need advice]

Long story very short.. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) before I cracked and moved out, he got some counselling which he was convinced made him a reformed character, I fought going back until basically I just couldn’t fight it anymore, I though go back give him benefit of doubt and see things go.. however there has been things said, not as badly as before no were near, however we are not intimate, makes me uncomfortable and he can’t understand why, (he degraded, ridiculed me severely re initimactvwith men before him) and I don’t think I love him – I told him this, and he he can say is I haven’t done anything in past year why why why etc.. I’m just so confused, I feel guilty and don’t want to hurt him but at the same time I just can’t figure out how I feel.. I told him I didn’t want to marry him for sake of it, or just stay in a relationship to make him happy., it really has been an emotional rollercoaster over the past years- advice needed please

[Jupiter]

Hi Need Advice

I have been in similar position many years ago.Please listen to your own feelings and reactions in an abusive situation.You have had this horrible treatment for several years and you have said you have fallen apart already and feel uncomfortable .What does this tell you? Staying in a relationship requires mutual agreement so you are right that you cant stay just to please him–you must feel happy too or it wont work.Abusers rarely change as many women will write here and it sounds as if you need some support and counselling for you to help clarify your difficult situation.
I understand the terrible jungle of confused feelings because I was like this with my ex thinking I should put up with an unhappy marriage to please him sacrificing my own well being.I was lonely abused frustrated and bewildered until we parted and I secured good quality support.Have you phoned womens aid helpline? Please dont struggle on alone with this abusive life.He has degraded you enough already when you should have received love and understanding.
Jupiter

[SaharaD]

If you are not happy and you don’t love him, what is the point of being in the relationship. I think that you have to ask yourself some hard questions. It is hard to leave. It means giving up a lot of things but as they say look at what you have gained not what you have lost.

please please don’t marry for the sake of it. You will regret it. I married my abuser because I loved him and I trusted him and I had no doubts. He unfortunately had doubts (he told me this a few months before the assault that led to me leaving.) I don’t regret getting married. It taught me a lot about myself and it and the honeymoon was one of the happiest times in my life. Very good memories. So I don’t regret getting married. I may have picked the wrong man but at the time I thought he was the right man. I can’t beat myself up for lacking information about the nuances of abuse.

You know he’s not right for you. You are fighting your gut feeling to get away from him. You have to figure out why. Personally if I know for sure that someone is abusive I won’t stay in a relationship.

They can’t change that easily and the few (2/3) in the whole world that I heard of spent years alone fixing themselves.

So counselling and therapy, 12 step groups and perpetrator programmes for years! Even then they will always be in recovery and always having to step back from situations and they probably will relapse. They are addicted to being abusive and controlling and power and it’s their default setting.

I would bet my bottom dollar that he hasn’t changed. Not your job to fix him.

[Nova]

Hi I agree with the other posts…you sound upset, and anxious, already questioning him and his erratic strange behaviour.

This is how abuse is so difficult to figure out…when your in it! It’s not all in your face all the time, it’s drip drip, Nice then Nasty, manipulative & put you down …verbally and physically…tactics, to keep you under their control.

In my experience, just when I thought ..I’m leaving, he sensed it, as he was watching me closely, and things would be all happy and loved up (in comparison to usual.. Misery,doom & gloom & silent treatment! not proper loved up!)

Then lo and behold, as you describe, all went sour again, and I was back to confused and anxious square one.

Look after yourself! If it feels horrible and you don’t love him, listen to yourself and give yourself some good advice! Like you would a good friend..see how it goes, safely considering your options for a new future.

Ring WA for a chat & talk it all over with experts.

Hugs
XC

[Need advice]

Thanks guys for the advice it’s appreciated.. I am very conflicted, and worried.. I have a fear that he will do things to me again, when I mentioned that I’m scared of what he is capable off and he keeps saying he would never do it again.. things are no where near as bad still been a few wee comments,but I still can’t shake it.. they are so good at manipulating it’s unreal.. I think I need counselling or just to listen to my own advice.. he now says everything is my head and I need to stop casting up..

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi there I know what you are saying but he really will not change why would he if his behaviour benefits himself? I tried to make my marriage work but I was kidding myself it could never work with a psychopath! At the end of the day choosing to stay or leave the relationship can only be your decision but you have to really think about whether you are happy. You don’t owe him anything and they are very good manipulators so articulate with their words but if only their claims would mirror their behaviour. Words are cheap anyone can promise you the moon but to actually give it to you on the other hand is a completely different story! If it’s safe to do so read the abuse books that a lot of women talk about on here, keep posting and talk to the helpline. Talk talk talk until you’ve looked at every scenario and you’ve decided what is truly in your best interests and only yours. It is your life and your choice not his or entire else’s yours xxxx

[White Rose]

You’re not happy with him. You don’t trust him.
You can’t forget what he was like before.
You’ve posted on here that tells me you’re worried.
Your logical brain is telling you no – why ignore it?
Doesn’t sound as if you love him ether!
Cuppa suggested phoning help line – I think it would hrlp you.
Don’t do what he wants. It’s your life and your happiness. You’ve given it a go again and maybe it’s time to end it?
This must be so hard for you but please think about your safety and long term happiness xxxxx

[Indiamalachite]

Can he change from some counselling? I’d say V unlikely. My experience was no….short term improvement but no actual change and he decided from the counselling he had ptsd (from attacking me – seriously) and gave himself all sorts of other excuses that the counsellor had apparently said (although a – she was only working off the c**p he is likely to have come out with and b- I doubt she said those exact things anyway). I know you must feel guilty and awful but that’s because they spend so much time manipulating us and abusing and taking advantage of our good natures. I think you should take care of yourself, get some counselling yourself, prioritise yourself….it sounds like its all about him but you are important and so are your wishes and feelings. Sending love and hope you work out what to do and if you do get back with him, stay on the boards. Only you can decide and if you go back – no one will judge you, hope you’re ok x

[Indiamalachite]

Oh I just read your next comments- trust your instincts! You know it’s not in your head, you know his comments are on purpose to destabilise and intimidate you, he’s just trying to convince you that you’re wrong. I had similar fears and niggles about little things and it did end up getting very seriously bad. I’m sure lots of other survivors have similar intuition before it gets worse. I think you should get some safety advice too and talk over with WA if poss as other’s have said xx

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