Going mad and desperate

[Scapegoat]

I am stuck in an abusive marriage- where obviously everything is my fault. I cannot leave as I have no strength, am scared about the repercussions. Feel trapped and there is no way out all because I haven’t got the bottle. Have been to Drs who says I need to just ring Womensaid (can’t do that) i am now really angry & fight back so he has every excuse to blame me and say I’m mental. Even considered dioxide I am afraid to say. I feel low, anxious, pathetic,guilty,hate myself,embarrassed and all I want is a normal life but apparently that makes me selfish. He threatens to lose me my job (detail removed by moderator). He spits in my face pushes me around smashes things accuses me of sleeping with people at work, people up the road who I’ve never even spoken to. If I go the shop and he’s in a bad mood it’s a massive drama & why would I need to go?Really can’t see a way out- been together (detail removed by Moderator) years. We own the house ( well mortgaged) but all the bills come out of my account, he doesn’t work for months on end just sits around getting stoned ( which is better when he has some) and sits making up scenarios about me. Fed up really can’t see a way out- if I speak to anyone about it I feel they just think I’m pathetic as I won’t leave and I feel devious for going behind his back. The sad thing is I think I actually do love him as he can be lovely but hate him at the same time. Why can’t I leave??

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi Scapegoat,

Oh your forum name really says it all. He blames you for everything 🙁 It’s good you can see that the marriage is abusive and I hope you can also see that it’s not your fault even if your husband will do everything to make it sound like it is. Is there any reason why you can’t ring Women’s Aid? They can call you back when it suits you so that it’s in a moment where you are safe and can speak freely. They really are great at talking through your options, even if you aren’t ready to leave your marriage, they can still talk with you. You won’t be pushed, judged or anything like that. I once asked them to call me in the very early hours of the morning, practically night time, and they did. Because that was when it was safe for me to talk with them. I hope you can find a moment where it would be safe for you to call/talk with them, too.

It sounds like he is really playing you with guilt, like saying well you fought back or that your mental health isn’t good enough to be around children. That’s just rubbish. You couldn’t have fought back if he hadn’t started it, now could you. Sounds like classic self defense. It’s a shame that logic is so often lost on them. It really just sounds like he is projecting everything onto you so that he doesn’t have to face the consequences himself. But, it’s not your fault. You are not to blame for this.

There can be many reasons why you don’t feel you can leave. Sometimes we are addicted to it, it’s something called trauma bonding which KIP on this forum have taught me about. Sometimes we haven’t reached that moment where enough is enough and we are ready to leave. Sometimes, we just can’t see how to and that’s where Women’s Aid can help with a plan out. One where you stay as safe as possible. Because you know what? It is not selfish to want a normal abusefree life.

Keep posting on here, it’s a great place to be heard and share our stories.

[KIP.]

Can I ask why you don’t wish to speak to women’s aid? What’s actually stopping you? Do you have preconceived ideas? There’s a helpline number on her and the ladies are wonderful. The first few times I rang I couldn’t speak, (I’m tearing up thinking about it). They we so lovely and reassuring and just told me that it was ok not to speak and to take my time and keep ringing until I feel im ready. I was so scared like you, felt so guilty that I was going behind his back. That’s abuse. That’s brainwashing. That’s programming us. We live in a FOG of abuse, fear Obligation and Guilt. Your work will also suffer when you can’t concentrate because all your headspace is taken up dealing with his behaviour. He chooses to behave that way? I’m guessing he doesn’t do it in front of witnesses so he can actually control it. He is not your responsibility. I shank when I think of old women who spend a lifetime with an abuser. I was decades and I’m so lucky to have my life back. I feel like someone gave me a second chance x

[Scapegoat]

AlwaysSorry, thank you for listening. I don’t know what it is about Womensaid, not sure if it is the stigma attached or feeling like I’m being too dramatic. I’m paranoid about everything, I overthink everything and worry that if I phone them, he will find out and go mad. Things are starting to fit into place, I can see the pattern but this also makes me really angry…more at myself I think but I almost assume he will act in a certain way so am constantly on guard and over react by shouting and screaming at him, as I almost think “How dare you treat me like this, I have done nothing to deserve it.” I really think I have lost the plot. I’m like a time bomb in the house and nervous wreck out of it, dreading coming back but never staying out longer than I have to for fear of retribution. Really can’t go on like this…don’t know what I am trying to prove and to whom. It’s time for me to put my big girls pants on and man up but never seems to quite work out. I just want somebody to come along and make it all alright. I don’t want him punished just want things to be ok. Fed up living this life

[maddog]

You are not alone Scapegoat. You are not going mad. Your reactions to being abused are normal and you are forever finding ways to survive. Well done for reaching out on here. It’s a big step forward.

For a while I had a really cheap burner pay as you go phone just so I could call people safely and know that it was a safe number to respond to calls.

It is really important to recognise that it is your life and you are free to speak to people who can help you about your experience. You are absolutely not letting anyone down. Women’s Aid would be a very good place to start. If you are in fear of your husband it is also worth speaking to the domestic abuse team at the police. They are also key holders to help and support.

you are not making things up. It is so important to be believed.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there my lovely, you’re not going mad and I’m not surprised you’re feeling desperate. Apart from getting stoned, your and my husband could be the same person. I’m almost out, I get the key to my own place through WA really soon. It took me weeks of reading others posts before I joined in, weeks again to contact WA, and again to talk to my doctor. With your job, you’re not a crazy lady, but he is guilty of crazy making behaviour which is actually a criminal offense now. Have you been keeping a journal of his behaviour to you. I’ve just recently read back some of my scribblings abd I’m thinking how have I ensured this, how did I not leave years ago. The question we should be asking is why do we stay. It’s due to trauma bonding and FOG which stands for fear obligation and guilt in an abusive relationship. Trauma bonding is like Stockholm syndrome. It’s to do with chemicals being released in the brain. (Cortisol, serotonin) these make you feel happy, so in the first weeks or months sometimes even years of a relationship he makes us happy safe loved. But when he starts to be abusive, the same chemicals are released in our fight,/ flight/ freeze mode. So when the one person is responsible for releasing those chemicals that’s where the confusion sets in. Plus a lot of abusive behaviour is devious and very subtle, taken on its own we literally ignore it. Put it down to a bad day at work or something. Those wee niggles we get(our gut instinct)we ignore them. But by reading over your journal you’ll start to see a pattern. look up the cycle of abuse. What’s he like if you’re going our with friends, does it take you days weeks or months to let him know, does he cause a scene days or hours before an important function? Does he disrespect your friends or family. Reading – why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a great go to book we all recommend. As is – the abusive relationship by pat craven. Abusers can be a mixture of more than one type of man, there is no stereotypical abuser or victim of abuse. I’ve been with my husband the same length of time, I’m in my 50’s, I’m terrified to start again, of being homeless, of having to work when my health dictates otherwise. But I can no longer face being treated like this for another 5,10 or 20 years. Well done in posting. It takes a lot of courage to press that submit button. I too was so scared to do that just in case someone would know who I was. Contact WA, if you cant get through on the national helpline try your local one instead. The local ones usually have solicitors they deal with who are very aware of domestic abuse. They can advise you on things you’re entitled to, whether you want to stay in the house or move out. Ask us anything too,I man anything, nothing is off limits, someone will have an answer for you. Everything is done at your pace sweetheart, no-one will force you into anything you don’t want to do. Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power as they say. Welcome to the forum
IWMB 💞💞

[KIP.]

It really helped me to understand what’s going on behind the front. Google n**********c victim syndrome and see if that makes sense. There are some great YouTube videos. When we live with a n**********c person we feel like we are going crazy. Google Gaslighting too. That leaves us feeling crazy. Perhaps if you understand what you’re up against you can make a plan of action x you’re lucky you have a job and are not dependent on him financially. Abusers are emotional vampires who suck the life from us x

[KIP.]

Forgot to say to read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It was a real eye opener for me x it’s the book I was given by women’s aid.

[diymum@1]

it feels like a scary step to take in calling womens aid because we are programmed (by these men) if i act/ do something about it he will do something to me in retribution. i still feel like this at times and i havent seen him for a solid year! its getting past that fear isnt it – you would have the police to protect you and you can be protected legally. it is your right to have an abuse free life – reaching out for help is the only way – sometimes its a case of deep breath and p[lunge right in – you wont regret it 🙂 sending you strength much love diy mum x*x

[Scapegoat]

Thank you all, I don’t go out with friends. I haven’t had a night out with friends in (detail removed by Moderator) years as he is so possessive I just avoid the issue. The closest I got was going out for lunch on (detail removed by Moderator) with colleagues from work and then I lied to them and said I had an appointment for a blood test so left as soon as I’d eaten my meal. He’s the one who pushes me to go out and I won’t because he constantly accuses me of stepping with people at work, up the road etc. He has a security camera at home pointing at my car on the drive if I go out to the shop he watches if a car goes out the same time as mine or come backs the same time. It has a microphone on it so on the rare occasion he does leave the house he can listen to what’s going on…it’s just freaky. Conned me into buying it as we had an issue with people parking over the drive. What a mug I am, if I mention I’m just accused of having a guilty conscience, which is something I’m accused of quite a lot. If I get confused and say something wrong then correct it I’m called a liar and told that’s why I can’t be trusted…im either a nervous wreck or raging as I hate being accused of things I haven’t done. Of course he knows this is how to push my buttons and I react badly on most occasions. Therefore I’m perceived as the abuser and the l*****c and the one with anger issues. What a mess. I e rad lots on n*********s, sociopaths and manipulation but just end up feeling maybe I am one instead ☹️

[KIP.]

You wouldn’t be on here if your were one. Abusers very often accuse us of exactly what they are doing. So if he’s accusing you of cheating there’s every chance he is doing it or has done it. Listen carefully to what he accuses you of and see if it’s something he does. My ex accused me of stealing money while he was emptying the joint bank account. Cheating while accusing me etc.

[Scapegoat]

Oh god I have been accused of everything, stealing, lying, cheating, not caring, being selfish, having bad manners, moving things. He very rarely leaves the house now, I feel like a prisoner yet I am free to go to work every day but he hates my job as says I don’t need him financially anymore?? I have just started going to the gym again (detail removed by Moderator) weekly but not without comments. I have to text and let him know where I am and why although then he causes rows saying I constantly text when he doesn’t ask me to but if I don’t he goes mad. Feels like a point scoring system

[diymum@1]

he sounds like the one i was dealing with – i was practically a prisoner in my own home near the end after baby number two. i couldnt even go out to meet friends or my family. everyone thought it was rediculous and no one really new how to help me. one thing i learned it takes proper professional help to get out. please please make that call to womens aid xx when this goes on it affects everything and the most precious things like family and your health xx dont let that happen to you xx

[KIP.]

Their arguments are pointless, they simply change the goal posts. Leaving us totally confused and exhausted. Abusers try to make us financially dependent upon them so we cannot leave, it’s no wonder he doesn’t like the fact that you’re financially independent. He will hate anything the gives you independence. He’s going to wear you down to the point where you just don’t go out anymore because it’s too exhausting dealing with his reaction. That’s how they destroy our self esteem and we lose friends and social outings. They don’t want us out of their sight having a life away from them, such are their insecurities.

[Iwantmeback]

I ended up giving up my job I loved. Yes I have health problems but by keeping mobile it kept me going. I NEVER missed a days work considering what is wrong with me. He always made working impossible, yet throws it in my face that I donbt work now. I’ve learned over the years that it’s really nothing in particular, the goal posts change all the time daily, Weekly whatever he decides is done or said wrong. He’s been at me for months about going back to a class I used to do, a relative passed away and something else happened. He’s used the three situations against me, as I’ve left him alone again, there’s really no winning with these men.
IWMB 💞💞

[Scapegoat]

Ffs just came up before I’m about to go to bed and told me my life over tomorrow and his begins as he has tried so hard in this marriage and I’ve done nothing to show him I love him!!! Also because I’m haven’t had s** for a week he is entitled to go & get it elsewhere and it’ll be my fault- if it wasn’t so b****y depressing I could have laughed!! Back at work (detail removed by moderator) already feel sick about going as know the anxiety will kick in the moment I get up☹️

[AlwaysSorry]

It never ceases to amaze me their lack of logic.
You won’t sleep with me so I get a free pass to cheat? Yea, cause that’s how a relationship works…
I’m so sorry you had to get another round of abuse before bedtime on a Sunday night. I hope we can help calm your fears about calling WA as they really can help you. All your feelings are natural as you are under so much pressure, but I promise you WA knows this. I was so scared I wouldn’t be believed the first time I called WA, but I came away from that first phone call feeling validated. So I hope you will consider it. But also, keep posting on here. It’s a great place to share and use as a safe outlet.

I hope you will manage to get a better night’s rest and less anxiety tomorrow than you expect.

[KIP.]

This is such typical behaviour of an abuser. You are not alone. They do this to keep us on edge, I too had to give up the job I loved. The sleep deprivation was awful. It’s a recognised for of torture. My ex would also say other people were interested in him. Eventually I called his bluff. He’s destroying your mental health. Keep posting and maybe getting to know you’re not alone and his tactics of abusing you have been used many time for,lots of us on here, will help you break free. I went from one bad thought to another when with my abuser. My life was dark and colourless. It now goes from one happy experience to the next. I look forward to,getting up in the morning and I look forward to going to bed at night to snuggle up on my own without being groped or molested or traumatised by his dreadful tantrums over nothing. It really is no way to live. He knows you’re going nowhere so his abuse will get worse. Mine eventually had an affair, his gf put it on social and he expected me to just go along with it. It’s beyond belief. Save yourself, try to build a life away from him. The trouble is if you ignore his behaviour it will escalate as he tries to regain control. Which you can see by his latest outburst. I can sense you still have strength. Posting on here is a great start x

[Iwantmeback]

My oh had said that to my for years, things like If you don’t like it there’s the door. I must be getting sex elsewhere cos he’s not getting any. If I don’t he’ll go elsewhere. He’s recently been telling me to find a lawyer, he’s going to sell the house etc etc. I had my enough is enough moment a few weeks back. It came totally out of the blue, something I thought he’d never do, he crossed THE LINE. I now am getting the key to a wee flat from WA 😌 soon. The wait is torture, I am positive I’m doing the right thing, but because we’ve not had any major altercation I have moments of doubt,fleeting moments, that I refuse to give head space to. Keep posting, your moment will present itself, I promise. I had been offered a wee place nearly a year ago but wasn’t ready to go, I am now. Yes I’m scared but the thought of not going, that resignation that I would have to accept he’s the boss and that my opinions and feelings don’t count, even though he says they do BUT actions always outweigh words.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Doris]

Hi. I too gave up my job and I urge you never give up your job. He also wanted me to give up my car (as I was no longer working and the car was old) but thankfully I just bought a new one with my leaving pay. My car is my chariot so I can escape when he loses his temper.
Just do not give up your job, believe me. Is there anyone at work who you can talk to? Some large employers offer counselling services through their HR.
When your partner talks big about separation and divorce I doubt he means to go through it at all. I get the D word thrown at me all the time and when I agree he changes the subject into something else he thinks is hurtful. It is also a fishing exercise – he wants to know if you have done anything about separation like seeing a solicitor. Never tell him what you have done or found out – that way you keep control. Also, if you are upset with threats of separation then he probably feels reassured. Thing is, he does not want to lose you. You are a convenient emotional punchbag and he will not surrender that easily.
X*X

[Scapegoat]

Thanks all, it’s been really helpful posting on here. I had a phone appointment with healthy minds today, who have told me I’m being emotionally abused and that they will find 1:1 counselling for me although could take a couple of months. Was ok at work until it was time to come home, then the anxiety set in but I played it nice and as expected got the usual c**p within five minutes. Completely lost the plot after half hour and flipped saying I’d had enough and why would he want me here. Think he really panicked then as suddenly became all nice saying (detail removed by moderator)?! Really had enough of this b******* now, he cannot see anything logically. It’s like flipping torture.honestly think I’m going mad! Thank you so much for listening🙂and allowing me to rant. You are all awesome

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Scapegoat, no you’re not going mad, he’s making life crazy because of the way he treats you, crazy making behaviour is a criminal offense now. You’re seeing through the FOG of abuse more and more, you’re getting stronger💪💞
They are so insecure. I mean how can you give someone your attention while studying or working. They really don’t like anyone or anything getting your attention and that includes trying to read books😄 my oh says things like getting left on his own again or as usual, that’s right jump when everyone else wants you but not for me, I’m last on your priority list. I have no-one else needing me except my family, but he’s made sure that I know they’re my family not his, I go to something weekly, he wants me straight home.I’d stopped going for a long while, lost interest, he’s been at me for a while to go to it,I need to be out among people, he says😂 Now I have he complains I’m leaving him again. So so contrary. No wonder we’re confused and don’t know which way is up.
You’re doing so well Scapegoat, knowledge is power as they say.
IWMB 💞💞

[Scapegoat]

Iwantmeback, OMG is your oh related to mine that’s exactly what mine says?! He hates my family as they’re all a bunch of selfish t**** and don’t do anything fir him, I need to go out but apparently I don’t because I don’t trust myself to be faithful ( haven’t been out for over (detail removed by moderator) years-not worth the agro) I started going back to gym as helps my mh, didn’t go for months as obviously according to him I was chatting up everyone there…and why would I want a shower after…well that just proves what I was up,to?? Has really peed me off now as not doing anything wrong but being persecuted for it. Am exhausted – dragged myself out of bed to go work. Not eating properly, dreading coming home. Thankfully he’s (detail removed by moderator) ( as not worked for (detail removed by moderator) weeks) I was so driven and motivated before now I feel like the walking dead. 😞

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Scapegoat, there’s your eureka moment. See how many of us are living with someone who acts the same as others. It’s like they’ve all gone to the same school or read the same manual, though I’m finding a few of the men aren’t as educated as we are(doesn’t mean there’s not any abusers who aren’t educated, just look at politicians). That moment when you go, my God that’s my husband you’ve just described, yet trying to describe him to others you can’t seem to find the right words as what you are describing sounds petty, trivial, everyone goes through rough patches. I had a policeman tell me that maybe my marriage had just run its course. I just looked at him, thanked him for his time and left. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe me, I’d gone in just to find out some information,and that’s what he gave me, but I think because I was so vague, so crazy looking(I looked like a baglady then, roots badly needing done, wearing trackies as day clothes, no makeup)that was in the early days of accepting my oh’s behaviour is abusive. I had no appetite, literally lived on toast and marmalade, cakes and chocolate and Lucozade, even now tea and coffee still turns my stomach. I’d get up and literally lie on the couch for hours with a cover over my head, trying to shut out the world. Feeling the way you do will pass,i promise💞 pinky promise 😊 have you looked up the 5 stages of grief, they’re very similar to what we go through. Each day you’re learning more and more of how these men behave,each day you’re taking one step away from his control, We’re all strangers, we dont know anything about each other apart from what we share on here, there’s no way it could be a conspiracy , this forum is the tip of the abusive iceberg. There’s thousands of women,children, men, lgbti, pets, all being abused in some way or anither.
It’s so hard not getting into it when they start accusing or niggling. For ages I went ‘grey rock’,(Google it) this is where you become THE most boring person in the world, one word answers, just don’t talk(this is defensive, not punishment, like when you’re given the silent treatment)start telling him to get his own tea or coffee or whatever you automatically do to keep him happy and attended to.i would often say, that’s your opinion,not mine,it gave him nothing to argue with. We are not Stepford Wives. My oh has actually lost weight because I’ve stopped doing this so much. It’s instilled in us from childhood that as the man of the house, we run after his every whim when he comes in from work, no that’s not the way of things now. Most households have 2 working or in some of our relationships we’ll work and the man’s not. In a loving relationship you don’t mind being the main breadwinner, as he’ll do things at home to help out. Abusive men, if they do do anything, it usually comes with an, ‘I’ve done YOUR dishes, YOUR hoovering.’ They do this because they still see it as women’s work, even though you probably go out 10 hours a day working(I’m including travelling in this) there’s many help videos on YouTube, some deal with a particular type of abuser, I don’t think mine is a narc….st but does have traits of one. Finding out about coercive control, probably described my oh better,but as Pat Craven describes in her book, living with the dominater, abusers can have different traits of different types of abusers, or not have any of those she writes about. I’ve not met anyone yet who’s described their oh as abusive who doesn’t have some of those traits. Once you know how these men work, you’ll start to see through the FOG of abuse and you’ll actually start laughing to yourself just how transparent he is,how you can gauge what he’ll say or do. Be careful when you get to this stage, because they are very in tune with how we act and react, and if he feels he’s losing control of you, he might change tactics, up the abuse. Have you started looking into what you’d take in a safe bag. Womens aid, have a list of things to take with you if you fear for your life. I’ve been slowly moving my personal things out for a while now, there’s not too much to pack up now, but if I do that, he’ll notice the things I’ve removed.
Keep posting, keep learning from us. Any questions and I mean any, no topic is of limits, thank goodness for anonymity, just ask 😊
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Scapegoat]

Thanks IWMB I’ve just had enough now. Text me at work all nicely nice. Get home different story. Suddenly just says you’re unbelievable and storms out throwing things and shouting?? Asked what was wrong, and was told “leave me alone or I’ll phone 999 and report you for harassing me!” Couldn’t help myself replying “go on then, am sure asking if you’re ok is a crime.”
Can’t understand why he would want me here but every time I try & leave he stops me. I just don’t get why somebody would want to behave like that…it baffles ,e and I’ve got a degree in psychology. As even though it’s a control thing how the hell can constantly being in conflict with someone make somebody happy? My anxiety is through the roof, have chewed all my nails, have been to the loo about a million times and feel,so,sick I can’t eat. Feel completely hopeless no that shortly I will feel really angry again. I really don’t deserve this, I’m not perfect but this is torture.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Scapegoat, oh my darling I feel so badly for you. There is no logic to their behaviour, it’s designed to make you crazy. We usually say turn their conversations around, when they say I it’s means you and vice versa. He’s saying he’s going to call the police, he’s really meaning you should.💪can you try to record him when he starts ranting and talking nonsense/aggressively, only if it’s safe to do so. I have 5 different recordings now. You’re getting close to your moment, try thinking of him as an overgrown child throwing a tantrum. Yes it’s scary but when you really see through him, see him as if looking through a2way mirror, everything after that gets easier. Have you tried the grey rock method. Google it, it might help give you some head space. Also and it’s really hard, but try not to get sucked into his drama, any attention is food for him, he’s a real life emotional vampire. And there’s nothing romantic about it. I’ve told mine on numerous occasions, that’s your opinion, I don’t see it that way. I’ve also just said, stop it! Loudly and it’s worked. He was actually stunned into silence that day. Have you looked at any YouTube videos yet. Some of them are really good. I write notes to myself, practice what I’m going to say. We do what we do to survive. Does he punish you with the silent treatment then when he decides to talk to you thinks everything’s on track and want sex. They are so predictable it’s laughable. Stay strong mo charaid(my friend), you can do this.
Much love IWMB 💞💞

[KIP.]

Look on YouTube at n********t victim syndrome x

[Scapegoat]

Just had a massive row after he told me to leave him alone, so I went upstairs to read. He’s then come storming up hour later- all I ever do is ignore him, why do I treat hi, like that? I e completely lost the plot ended up screaming at him I can’t do this anymore I’m going. He’s in my face telling me I’m mad and I’m not going anywhere and that he’s the one making an effort whereas I’m just mad and shouting at hi, therefore I’m a control freak, I’m abusive, I’m torturing him. Ended up smashing myself in the head with the nearest object I can pick up. He’s telling me a loon…(I definitely am) and that I’m making his life a misery. Asked him again why he wants me here… cant answer. Says he’s going to video me and send it into work so people know wha5 I’m like and I’ll lose my job, as when he goes out all the neighbours stare at him as I’m always shouting but they’ll think it’s him! I will google grey space as otherwise I’ll need some kind of sedative just to shut me up. Maybe I am over reacting and just need to shut up and get on with it☹️

[Scapegoat]

Grey rock method! Not grey space…just googled that and a flooring firm came up!😭😭

[maddog]

Doh! You’re not alone! I recorded one of my ex’s episodes on my phone by mistake. The video is far better than the audio for recording all the sound. I also bought a surveillance camera. I bought a very cheap paygo phone. It doesn’t matter how you record. A diary is good. Record your experiences in whatever way you can. Posting here can help. It may help more to cut and paste your concerns on here and email them to yourself or to someone you can trust.

I couldn’t use the video of my child’s attack on me without indicting her and I chose not to. She was above the age of criminal responsibility. She is since learning of her own volition that her father isn’t very safe. It has been a long haul.

My ex is now using whatever authority he can to cause harm. It’s not a path that we choose. It’s a path that we must take. Please accept all the help offered and there will be so many people along the way to hold your back.

It’s hard to believe. You are doing so well to recognise what is happening to you and you are doing really well to articulate it.

I was warned over a decade ago. The covert abusers are often the most dangerous. It is not your fault.

[KIP.]

I hope you are ok? Read back your own post. It clearly shows his crazy making behaviour and your self harm is a reaction to that. It’s his abuse that’s causing all your problems. It’s beyond devastating to be abused by someone you love and someone you thought loved you in return. His goal is to destroy you, it’s unbelievable but true. The person that is supposed to love and protect us is actually stripping away our self esteem, self confidence and mental health and enjoys it. Is there family you can go and stay with. I escaped after decades of marriage. It’s never too late. Listen to his threats, it is likely he will act on them or already has recorded you. There are no boundaries for these men. Stay safe x

[Iwantmeback]

I now understand why some women shave off their hair, hit themselves off doors, walk in front of buses, it’s sheer frustration. grey rock is good it might take a bit for it to work, the easiest thing to say is, ‘that’s your opinion’ and just walk away, or repeat it everytime you can get a word in. You are not a loon, you’re a beautiful Quaine. He is guilty of crazy making behaviour. Centuries ago men like this were able to have their wives, mothers,daughter’s put into mental asylums, thankfully you’re only sectioned under extreme cases and usually have been attending your doctor up to that moment. Talking of doctors have you spoken to yours. Let them know how his behaviour is affecting you. this is professional evidence to be used in future if needed. I was suicidal for years, then one day it just clicked it wasn’t me I wanted to kill, it was the relationship.
Everything he said you were, read it back and replace you with I (as in him) you’re torturing him, you’re mad, becomes, I’m torturing you, I’m mad. This is his confession but he’ll NEVER admit it. Please contact WA or your local one if you cant get through on the national helpline. I remember those periods of utter chaos, not had many since way last year, after one of our talks, but it hasn’t stopped him, he’s just changed tactics. So it just proves to me, he can control his temper when he has to, eg losing me, but just doesn’t choose to all the time. Take care, you’re going to be exhausted today. Try and drink plenty of water to keep hydrated and alert. Being on high alert all the time, it’s utterly draining, mentally and physically.
Much love
IWMB 💞💞

[diymum@1]

i often feel that we try to understand their antics – i read a lot about narcs etc but i still feel in my gut these men do have psychopathic tendancys – i find the fact that he films your car leaving very disturbing behaviour. all of the men men who commit these crimes against us are crazy to a degree/ i mean why would you wnat to destroy someone? were not the crazy ones xx

[Scapegoat]

Just gone beyond coping now, not eating, will cry at drop of hat. (Work detail removed by moderator), this isn’t a life it’s an existence know I’m the one who can resolve it but am too much of a weak kneed coward to do it. So is pointless me crapping on about what he does if I allow him to. Thank you all for being so kind and supportive.

[KIP.]

Keep posting. Keep reaching out for support. I felt exactly the same as you do but you will not always feel this way. Have you spoken to your GP? Get some good counselling from someone with knowledge of domestic abuse. I wonder if you have access to private health care through your work? To jump any NHS queue, that’s if you can actually get a counsellor on the NHS who is trained in domestic abuse. It took me a long time to come to terms with my situation but you have survived the most awful emotional abuse and are much stronger than you think. Remember the woman before the abuse began. She’s still there x

[diymum@1]

you know all these tactics ring so true for everyone on here – someone i new that was very close to me had been doing something he shouldnt have (i cant say as would be reveiling) but basically my ex said he would let the cat out of the bag and this would hurt someone who was very vulnerable at the time – to the point the news would have destroyed her. he blackmailed this person with very sensitive information. this is what they do they actually use embarressment to degrade you and keep you in your place. him saying he will take this into your work where you carry alot of responsibility would in reality actually get him into serious trouble. we loose sight because they put us into a real tail spin – they do this intentionally. id leave him with the help of womens aid – they destroy who we are but please dont let him – this will hurt it will be hard but youll get through this, staying with someone like this isnt an option, your sane, your a normal hard working person- he is doing this crazy making/ you are far from crazy –(detail removed by moderator) he is probably intimidated by how much you have accomplished xx sending hope and strength to get out of this.

call WA

much love diymum

[AlwaysSorry]

It’s not pointless at all, it is good that you keep reaching out and posting about whatever you’d like. Get it out. It’s hard to realise in the situation you are in, but you are not the problem. This is none of your fault. Please try and call WA, even if you don’t have it in you to discuss a plan to leave just yet, they can still help you – and yes, it would be great if you could get some therapy as well to soothe your thoughts. Sending you comforting thoughts.

[financabuse]

Hello Scapegoat. I only posted the other day and I am no expert but I hope you move away from him. You wrote: How dare you treat me like this, I have done nothing to deserve it.” I really think I have lost the plot. 

I don’t think you have lost any plot.

How dare he treat you like that … is right!

It is not right. So I hope you get angry and leave (when you feel able). He is a (detail removed by Moderator), who feels good by putting others down. Urgh! He is the waste of space – not you.

I wish you a very good outcome in whatever you do.

[Scapegoat]

Thank you,really have lost it now.
Had massive meltdown today and yesterday at work ending with me sobbing like a complete idiot as everything at work is tipping me over the edge. Really not up party to the job any more. Work been really supportive but just makes me feel even more of a failure. Was in that much of a state yesterday couldn’t even get to the Drs…had to cancel it he told by receptionist that it was too short of a notice so a mark goes against my name for not showing…despite me phoning. Went home hysterical for oh to be sympathetic but then start saying he had felt like this for months, I make him feel like this, that’s why he’s not at work, I can’t see what I’ve done to him, I’ve ruined his sex drive as he doesn’t get it enough.i ended up getting into bed and literally passing out. Dragged myself out this morning, went to work, cried. Came home to more b****y silent treatment as apparently he was up TIL (detail removed by Moderator) crying and I ignored him ( I was asleep) God I hate this it’s driving me nuts

[KIP.]

It’s not your work that’s tipping you over the edge it’s the abuse you’re getting at home. Don’t try to work him out. You’ve done nothing wrong and he will simply change the goal posts when you try to discuss anything. Just cut him out the picture and put yourself first.

[Iwantmeback]

It’s not work sweetheart, it’s him. If you explain to your doctor why you couldn’t turn up for your appointment I’m sure the black mark will be removed. The receptionists don’t know what’s going on, so are just ‘doing their job’. It will come to a head soon, you’re gaining knowledge and see glimpses of your old self, that’s why you’re acting this way. It’s sheer frustration. Have you any dishes or glasses that you could smash safely, I do it into the bins, shut my eyes and go for it. just don’t have the energy to exercise. Is there any where you could move some personal things to. Take pictures on your phone of any legal documents, thank goodness for phone cameras😉 have any medication with you. Phone chargers, make a list on your phone, Once you are doing something, anything regarding the situation, it’s like a weight is lifted from your shoulders. Can you ask for a telephone appointment with your doctor, that way you’re not looking at them. Or write them a letter, explaining that you didn’t meant to not turn up, but his behaviour is making you act crazy and out of character. Are you feeling numb yet, i found i was feeling like that not so long ago. I promise once you feel more in control, you will start to see through the FOG. It doesn’t have to be anything that he’s even aware of, but you will know.
Be kind to yourself. Once you really see him for what he is, he really loses his hold over you, he just doesn’t know it.
Much love IWMB 💞💞

[EbonyRaven]

The waking up to what they are is just the worst, I feel for you Scapegoat, so much. I remember feeling that it would be easier to go back to minimising and denying to myself that it was abuse, but knowing I couldn’t turn time around, and that I was stuck with that knowledge now, knowing what he was doing to me, what he had done to me for so very long.

I think it was more painful than childbirth than falling into a nettle patch growing through brambles wrapped in barbed wire. There were times when I thought I’d never breathe again, that my chest would have that imploding feel forever. Times I felt like I was screaming constantly into deep water, striving to break the surface, but I was chained to the floor.

That white, cold feeling in the pit of my stomach, uncomfortable as walking barefoot on gravel. I felt stretched beyond ever being able to spring back, like a taut, tangled slinky.

Don’t worry about work, I’m betting they will understand far more than you think. Take advantage of the space there, access to telephones. Make some small empty moments of peace to think clearly, or not to think at all. If you get one, take the whole lunch break and read quietly, or make lists. You don’t have to tell them everything. They don’t need the details, just that you’re being abused and are trying to work through what to do next.

It has taken some of us years to get away, even knowing what they are, and what they’re doing to us. Don’t berate yourself, you’ve just had the realisation. It takes time to work through how horrible that feels and get to the place where you can concentrate on your next move.

I’m hoping for you that you can pass through quickly. Realise ‘though, that you are not the crazy one. If you were you wouldn’t be worrying about it.

[Scapegoat]

Thanks EbonyRaven. It’s very true about the minimising. After coming home to yet more silent treatment and just going upstairs. I have now stupidly been back downstairs to try and talk and even more stupidly asked why he is doing this to me. Why the hell did I do,that?? Of course I was told, he hasn’t done anything, I’m barmy (think I actually am) and that he’s just ignoring me as he doesn’t want confrontation. He’s spent all day crying, (while sat on his arse at home)and was up crying TIL (detail removed by Moderator) I’ve been to work today (detail removed by Moderator) massive meltdown had to keep going, worked through break and lunch (detail removed by Moderator) so wouldn’t be late home tonight. Why?? Because if I don’t I’ll be accused of s********* someone at work. Can’t plan anything. Got a sodding holiday booked in (detail removed by Moderator) which if I cancel he’ll have a fit, but really don’t think I can go with him. Got extra day off Monday for bank holiday to do what? Hate my life so much, hate me even more. Just want to be happy. Think I am probably delusional as well!

[EbonyRaven]

It’s pointless trying to mediate with him or expect to have a normal, adult relationship conversation. These men accept no responsibility for their part in the issues, and will always make it our fault. Also, burn his invitation to the pity party. You don’t need to attend that.

I feel that Grey Rock is really going to help you deal. It’s not the easiest thing to do, by any means, because we want to react, but once you get into the groove of it it feels good. It’s effective too, can stop them dead in their tracks.

I used ‘If that’s what you want to think.’ to his accusations, and he was bewildered. He’d try taking it further with the twisting, things like “Oh so you’re not denying it then” and I’d just say “It’s up to you what you want to think.” Then I’d walk away, or go back to my book, my colouring, or whatever I was doing at that moment.

At first, everything in you wants to deny the accusations, defend yourself. We know from experience though that they don’t listen to us, and they enjoy having us do that then twisting the knife more, and more. They get a sick satisfaction from it.

It is so freeing, so healing, to watch them become a total puddle of confusion when they are hit with Grey Rock (Capitals on purpose, I believe it is that important a practice). And on those days where he seems ‘normal’ and nice, on those days where we forget and try to begin a conversation, or reply to something; Forgive yourself those times. After all, you are a kind, intelligent adult and therefore you expect another adult to act with the same reasonableness and respect.

If the holiday is soon and you’re unsure about cancelling, maybe go anyway but in a detached way. Take trashy books to read, or puzzle books, whatever your ‘thing’ is, speak to him only if you need to. Treat it as your holiday, and he just happens to be someone double booked on the same thing, a gnat of minor significance. Book excursions for yourself if it’s that type of holiday, not telling him, not inviting him. Get up in the mornings, get dressed and go to eat alone, don’t invite him. If he makes a fuss, it’ll be him people will look at, not you, especially if you’re practising Grey Rock by then, and not reacting back. The worst that people will do is to feel bad for you.

Keep posting, and remember; You will get past this.

[Scapegoat]

Thanks have tried Grey Rock…but he gets in my face jabbing his finger in my face or side hard. And says I’m ignoring him, which is a massive issue for him and he just ups his game and goes on I can’t be trusted. Have recorded him makes no difference. I can’t leave his side when we’re away…he’s that’s possessive he doesn’t trust me. (detail removed by Moderator) I stayed out sunbathing after he went to the room as our balcony was facing where we were lay. I was aware of him sitting by the balcony leaning over his eyes glued to me and text me twice in (detail removed by Moderator)mins. I was that anxious ending up going back to the room via the stairs and not lift ( in case it took longer) and almost had an asthma attack. He’s starting to make digs about our teenage son (detail removed by Moderator) now trying to get me to bite. As apparently he’s (oh) now going to eat us out of house and home so it will cost me a fortune as he’s not working. Why can’t he just f*** off if he hates me that much?

[maddog]

It’s what these ghastly people do. Well done for recording him. It will make a difference one day. Record as much as you can, keep a diary, writing on here may be helpful.

It is so important that you engage with him as little as possible. You won’t get answers.

His finger jabbing sounds really frightening. You absolutely shouldn’t feel that you are living in danger. Are you able to call 101 and ask for the domestic abuse team from work? Have you told anyone in real life about things at home?

He is doing exactly what my ex used to do. It’s horrible, anxiety inducing and maddening. The symptoms you are experiencing are your body doing what it can to survive. Your reactions to his abuse are normal. I know it’s probably not very comforting and it’s really frightening when you’re in it.

It’s not your fault that his behaviour has destroyed his sex life. Why would anyone want to share any intimacy with someone who’s only going to be horrid to them? Consent often goes out of the window in abusive relationships.

He needs you like a parasite needs a host. Can you get a cheap burner phone? I used one as he controlled all the others and I didn’t feel safe.

[KIP.]

It’s true they are parasites and he will suck the life from you x

[Scapegoat]

Mad dog the problem I have now is that I’m so angry I cannot keep my big mouth shut… I can manage not to shout and scream ( as that really winds him up and is the excuse for his behaviour towards me. But I am very flat and matter of fact pointing out what he is actually like which infuriated him too…in fact pretty much everything does. Just told him I’m doing a CBT course to be told (detail removed by Moderator) Got in record ( he doesn’t know) when I said he was threatening me he just says no I’m not and gets in my face. Not really sure if I am scared of him anymore which could actually be a bad thing. I’m just furious he gets away with treating me like this but would never involve the law unless he hurt me badly physically again but then again I probably wouldn’t .cannot even explain why I would want to be here other thsn it’s my home too and I’ve worked hard as well to struggle for things and as I haven’t done anything wrong don’t see why I should just roll over and let him have the lot. All the bills come out of my account- thank god we haven’t got a joint one- so I would end up paying for everything even if I left. Wish he would b****r off and meet someone else but he never goes anywhere so not much hope of that

[maddog]

I absolutely understand that we minimise domestic abuse unless there is physical violence. The psychological stuff is every bit as damaging and yes, it make us feel like screaming at them. Sadly shouting at them doesn’t work. My ex used to tell me that I was being abusive.

Coercive control became illegal in England in 2015. I was advised by the police that it’s really important to report it. Eventually the law will improve.

Women’s Aid are just brilliant and really worth speaking to. They won’t tell you to leave but they will understand exactly where you’re coming from. Real life support is so important and it really helps to be believed and have a shoulder to cry on. You are absolutely right and have a lot to be very very angry about. It’s really hard to hold things together. Well done for finding some CBT.

There’s loads of stuff on youtube about domestic abuse. It’s all too easy to think that what is happening at home isn’t nearly as bad as anyone else. I think masses of us think like that. The reality is different.

You may be in a stage of fear, obligation and guilt.

I know what you mean about wishing they would bu***r off and find someone else.

Sadly these abusers don’t change. They don’t have the capacity. It’s who and what they are. What hideous specimens they are. What we can do is to move on from them emotionally and start to re-build our lives. It’s a rocky old road!

[Doris]

Hi Scapegoat, I understand completely about the holiday. I have simply refused point blank to arrange any holidays (it was always up to me to book,research etc) because it is hell when they kick off and you have nowhere to seek any kind of sanctuary so you are extra vulnerable. I asked him what the point of holidays was if we cannot get on at home. It was simply moving the bad behaviour to a new back drop. Of course, he makes little sarcastic remarks like how unadventurous and boring I am but I really don’t care. The more I learn about DA the more empowered I feel so a big thank you to WA for telling it like it is.
I cannot really advise you what to do as I am also ‘stuck’ in a bad relationship and it would solve so many problems if he just left and found someone else who was adventurous and exciting. But he won’t, of course.
My advice would be to stay positive – daily affirmations are good. Like saying to yourself ‘I am a positive person who is unaffected by the negativity of others’. This winds up my husband immensely – he is the most negative person I know and he knows it – LOL.
Make positive plans even if you feel you cannot do anything about it now. Open up an online savings – put money aside for your rent etc. for when you decide to go. Take ‘baby steps’ towards leaving – there is no pressure to go immediately – when you’re ready. Line up those ducks!
And check out WA and their partners – I have been lucky enough to find a local group who give me incredible support.
Build up support networks and reach out. I have even returned to college! Take care. X*X

[Iwantmeback]

Scapegoat you sound so like me when my oh starts, I just cant keep my mouth shut. Wasnt brought up for a man to treat me that way, but boy does it make him worse. By reading and watching tutorials I’ve learned than any reaction to him is good for his addictions. So now I don’t react(much). It’s good that your angry, but be very careful, because he’s more likely to do more than the painful finger jabbing. the times I’ve had tiny bruises because of it.😡

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