Going on is so painful

[hop]

I’m going through a really hard time at the moment. I can’t breathe. My emotions and my reactions have gone back years and years. I’ve gone back to being a person with no feelings who can’t cry. The physical sensations in my body are constant and the need to hurt myself is becoming overwhelming. I haven’t felt like this for so long it hurts me. Hearing his voice angry and seeing his white lips and stony face, all because of me has set me back so far. I have really vivid nightmares which were settling down but they’re escalating now. It’s been gradually happening over a week or so but now I’ve started realising just how bad I feel. My emotions are so suppressed. I really need to cry, or laugh, or do something but there’s nothing. Maybe that’s why these urges to self harm are changing too because the type of hurt I want to do is so physically painful I might snap back to reality. I made a promise to this fcuk’n woman not to self harm and I want to keep my promise I really do but I can’t stay in this muted reality all weekend. Days have seriously began to drag out so long I can’t bear one after another of them feeling like this,or not feeling which is not what I’m used to any more. How did I live like this for so many years? I seriously can’t bear it now!

[dancing in the rain]

Oh freedonfries, sweetheart. This sounds awful. Have you contacted Samaritans, they would be able to talk you through how you are feeling now and help you stay safe. I have called them before and so glad I did. Please keep posting, I’m sure others on here will have good advice. Stay safe lovely x*x

[Hetty]

Hi freedomfries01, I’m so sorry you are struggling in this way. Trauma impacts psychologically and physiologically. Are you still living/in contact with your abuser? Can you have some time with family or friends at weekend? Could you make an emergency GP appointment today.
I can really hear how strong the urge is to hurt yourself and it makes sense that feeling harming yourself is a way to reconnect. You don’t have to do this, you don’t need to hurt. There is hope

[KIP.]

Just want you know know you’re not alone. I went through what you’re going through but I managed to get good counselling and a good support network. First step ring your GP and start building your support network. Get pillows around you and hug them. Hugging released feel good hormones so hug hug hug. Hug cushions, toys, pillows. Next have a look at mindfulness. Keep trying to do that. Distract yourself when you feel like self harming. Get up. Walk around. Get a favourite movie and put it on repeat. Mine was the Mummy with Brendan Fraser. No idea why but I can tell you every line from that movie. And talk. Talk to Samaritans talk to helpline on here. Talk to a counsellor, write things down. Write on here but know your mind is trying to sort through the trauma so everything will be mixed up. Your brain needs to re wire itself. My sister compare it to computers malfunctioning. It needs to reboot and start again sorting through the trauma. Just keep going. You have had good stable times so you know it’s achievable x baby steps x

[lover of no contact]

Just take it One hour at a time today. Then break that into one minute at a time even one breath at a time. Panic is the enemy here. Ride through these feelings to hurt yourself. These feelings will pass. You are stronger than these feelings. Well done for posting on here. Pick up the phone to WA or Samaritans. That will help too. Choose any other actions/distractions like KIP says. You won’t always feel like this. The only way out is through. You have to ride out this compulsion to hurt yourself but it will get easier each time if you don’t give into it. It helped you survive in the past, but you don’t need it now. You have other supports. Just keep doing the next best thing. For me it might be I’ll put a wash on etc
Keep posting on the hour here if u need to. You only have to get through today.

[hop]

Thank you all so much. I thought I was being stupid and I’m getting loads of help so I feel like I’m just attention seeking for needing more. I rang the samaritans last night but put the phone down a few times. The ones who answered didn’t feel comfortable to me. My company employs a counselling phone number so I rang them in the end. They’d lost all of my previous correspondence so that took my mind off things having to re register with them. I’ve installed the headspace app. It feels doable but it’s not just my head, physically I’m a wreck too. I’m not in any danger and I haven’t been in the abusive relationship for so long I feel like bothering the women’s aid people they’d tell me that I should be ringing a different helpline. Feeling as bad as I did during that time has really knocked me for six. I’m seriously shocked that this has happened. I don’t even feel miserable, I don’t feel anything. It used to be a protective measure but I don’t know why it’s happening now. I feel like I’ve exhausted all the avenues of help and I mustn’t be helping myself properly. I’m obsessing over the self harm. I feel like that’s the last thing that I know will help (because it will for now) but I don’t want to let people down, or have the humiliation of people knowing I’ve done it. Sorry I’m rambling on, I can’t believe it’s like this now after nearly a decade!

[Author]

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