Going well until….

[Done-with-this]

Something very minor really but I think it might be the cycle starting again.
After things coming to a head about 3 weeks ago things have gone well. He’s been kind and helpful around the house and with the kids.

However a friend text (detail removed by moderator) asking if I wanted to go for a drink – to be honest I was going to say no but he saw it flash up and asked what it was so I said what the message said and he snapped at me straight away saying (detail removed by moderator). He probably likes this friend the best out of all of mine so I was shocked. I told him I wasn’t going and he said that it was obvious I was sulking at him and go if I want because he’s not controlling me. He then didn’t speak to me hardly for 2 hours and even made a comment to one of the kids saying ‘(detail removed by moderator)’. It was only when he realised I wasn’t going out he started speaking to me again – because he got his own way!
Beginning of the cycle again????

[fizzylem]

What a mardy little, controlling boy. I doubt he’d behave like this in any other situation! He’d be far too embarrassed! He should want you to go out and relax and have fun, take a night off. This shouldnt be an issue in the slightest. Jeese.

[Iwantmeback]

Yip. in a word. Unless he’s prepared to go for counselling to address why he behaves the way he does he’ll never be able to begin to think about changing.. plus what I’ve realised is my oh has conditioned me over the years, so I behaved the way I did around him. One of us had to break the cycle, I chose to be that person.
Can I ask why you were going to not go when you first read your friend’s message. Were you deep down worried that his reaction would be what it ended up being anyway. Ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen if you went. The silent treatment or worse. He’s already giving you the silent treatment, controlling you, trying to make out you were the one sulking when it was obviously him. Remember and listen to what he says and turn it around so it sounds like it’s himself he’s talking about.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Done-with-this]

IWMB, yes I think the reason I said I wasn’t going was partly because I couldn’t be bothered with an argument. One of the reason thing have been going better is because I haven’t ‘asked’ to go out.

[KIP.]

This cycle can go on for decades. He’s also using your child and discrediting you in their eyes too. This isn’t good for you or your child. It’s teaching them to belittle people. To blame you for the dispute. His behaviour is changing yours. It’s controlling behaviour. Eventually I stopped going out all together. Developed agoraphobia. My circle of friends shrank and so did my social life. I ended up a shell of a person and my life became small and revolved around him. All this he did by subtle intimidation. By humiliating me in public. By waiting up for me when I got back from a night out. By belittling my friends. By taking the good things that I enjoyed I became depressed. When I couldn’t leave the house I became depressed because my anxiety got the better of me. All this was done deliberately for his own satisfaction. Don’t let him ruin your life. He began speaking to you as your reward for doing what he wanted. He is conditioning your behaviour and you just can’t see it when you’re in the middle x

[diymum@1]

they are driven by insecurity and the only measure off anything is compared to that of their own low standards. my ex would seeth if i got ready to go out and if i wore something he thought i shouldnt be wearing he would throw his dinner plate at the wall! my friend arrived for me once and he threw a chair across the room infront of her. all intimidation. he would also wait in the garden for me all night until i got home and the quiz me about where i had been – did i still have lip stick on and worse. so degrading, humiliating and intimidating. i stopped going out and i did loose a few friends which im sure he was rubbing his hands together. i hated him for this and my hatred really started to fester. i found that scarey because it wasnt an emotion i had ever felt so strongly before xxxx

[Flowerchild]

Done-with-this, darling, that wasn’t minor, was it?

Think about it: he was behaving better only because you were colouring inside the lines he drew for you, right?

And all this fuss and drama and sulking wasn’t even over anything you did! It was all over something a friend invited you to do, something he imagined you might want to do, something you didn’t even get a chance to think about doing. And he drew an innocent child in and tried to poison their mind against you.

You’re living with the (detail removed by moderator), darling. Domestic (detail removed by moderator). The amount of self-determination and autonomy he’s prepared to graciously grant you is frankly medieval.

It’s not actually an improvement in him if it’s only achieved by you making yourself tiny, subservient, powerless and invisible, is it? It’s what we call walking on eggshells.

I used to say to my abuser, “I must be practically perfect if all you can find fault with is things you think I might be thinking!”

He was perfectly capable of being my voice in an argument he was essentially having with himself. I could have propped up a cardboard cutout of myself and left him to get on with it.

I think that’s like what your indoor (detail removed by moderator) is doing. This is not what things going fine looks, sounds and feels like, is it? You’re trying to live your life in the little spaces he’s left for you, but there’s not enough space or oxygen or peace there for a real live human being, I fear. A mouse might just manage.

I’m really sorry he’s controlling you like this.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

And darling? When an abuser says “I’m not controlling you!” it translates as “I’m controlling you.”

F

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