Gone from positive to drained! (Writing my list)

[RedGiraffe]

So… following on from my post earlier about how I’ve managed to get a professional who is going to help and support me – I decided to make a start on my list!
This is a list I previous asked about and it’s my recount of events – things that have happened, things that have been said, how I felt etc. There’s a lot of time to cover and I find things are just flooding back to me.
I’ve also found as I’m writing there are things that at the time I thought was completely normal behaviours and now I’m horrified at what I’m writing – how could I allow it? (Hindsight is a wonderful thing eh?)

I feel so drained now and I’m only part way through and not even touched on the emotional damage left yet! I’m colour coding bits for easy reference if I need to look at it – and I cannot believe how much was sexual 🙁 I didn’t even reach out about or even consider that some of the abuse may have been of a sexual nature! How blind I was!

I am glad I am making this list (as previously mentioned in a post – I don’t intend on showing anyone the list but for me to look back on if there’s ever a time where I question my choice) but this is going to be a mega rollercoaster of emotions 🙁

Sorry if none of this makes much sense!

[Anonymous]

It makes perfect wonderful sense and I am sooo glad you are doing it! I call it – slapping it up on the wall so you can see it. Getting it out of your head so to speak. That’s why talking with a therapist is so good because same thing. As long as it runs round and round in your head and in your being you can’t examine it and it has to be examined.

I used to talk to myself when I lived in an abusive home growing up. My father was just a monster and he would beat you down with his mouth just like he could do it physically. And I’d go outside or wherever he wasn’t and I’d have a full on row with him! I’d just tell him off and it was actually good therapy for me. I’d go through all the scenarios of what he’d say and I’d have a ready comeback for him. It helped me to get it out and to hear myself say it actually. I’d walk away going – wow, that felt good! I told him!! And later when I did stand up to him at (detail removed by Moderator) I put all that to work. I let him have it but in a real face to face sense and did it at (detail removed by Moderator). Didn’t care. Do whatever here but today? Today? I tell you what I think of you!! And I did. Was a really ugly and traumatic day and night that followed but was a huge turning point for me.

I don’t think I would have had that courage if I hadn’t been play acting telling him off all those years! LOL! I can laugh about it now, right? But then it was part of my survival.

It is a rolfing experience doing what you are doing. Kinda like using floss on your insides. And once you start unraveling it all, it all comes tumbling out and you’re like whoooaaa, I had no idea all that was stuffed in that trunk up in the attic! You also find out that once out into the light of day your logical/reasoning side goes to work and you find out – you’re actually quite bright but all the trauma that’s done during abuse scrambles everything and batters you around so much that you truly can’t think straight.

Just be sure to take good loving breaks where you reward yourself with something and take time to medicate on all the lovely things in life. You really have to clear your mind in order to do that and it’s work because once you start this process you just want to keep going. But do take breaks. It kinda oils the machinery so to speak and makes things come out easier. Crying is good, shouting even, let all the emotions come out because tons of emotion is attached to every single thing that comes out. No need to keep it buried anymore.

Let those little squirrels in your attic throw nuts at each other and scamper about because now they are free to do so. Mine have free rein up there. But it’s more mischievous play now than anything else.

I suggest, too, while you are writing to make a list of absolutes, in what you absolutely want and what you absolutely will not tolerate. That’s a good one to whip out and look at from time to time! Keeps us on the straight and narrow so we don’t end up tippy toes up in the ditch again!

[RedGiraffe]

Thank you, I love reading your posts and replies, they are always so helpful and do insightful and I love the way you write!

I also talk to myself and have done since I was little (also had past trauma but I have never ever told anyone – I guess this actually makes you the first even as vague as the information is). Even if I don’t talk out loud I’m always talking to myself in my head.

The list about what I want/don’t want is a good one and I will work on this after!
Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Hi Redgiraffe, I did something similar. I made a list of reason whys I need to go, I surprised myself at just how bad it has been at times. More control to start with and rude comments about me and literally everyone and anyone, then the breaking things and kicking doors, but towards the end (now) it’s threats to kill and smashing windjws to gain entry etc. It’s alot worse because I know he senses that somethings going on.

It’s bad isn’t it when you think back to how we allowed another person to treat us. My abuser would say he had to kick or punch the door because he I make him angry when I don’t listen. He’d tell me it was better than him physically hitting me, like he was trying to excuse and justify his behaviour like this is what normal people do.

I suppose aswell we do think that they’ll change. Even though now I know it’s impossible for these kind of people to change unless you recognise there’s a problem. My abuser thinks he’s absolutely fine, it’s everyone else according to him!

I think they literally knock our confidence that much that we start to think that maybe we deserve to be treated like that, even apologising after an incident! It’s crazy now I think back to the cycle that was forming right under my nose.

I got with my abuser not really being that interested if I’m honest, I thought he seemed like a bit of a sweet talker and seemed like quite a vain person, but I suppose he flattered me at a time when I needed that extra bit of tlc.

I think aswell that sometimes just trying to forget what’s happened isn’t always good, maybe dealing with it and talking about it is the proper way to move forward so you can fully get on with life. I detached myself mentally and physically from my abuser a long time ago but when I’m in my safe place I will still have alot of demons to face I guess.

Leek writing RedGiraffe and keep talking xx

[RedGiraffe]

You could have been writing about my relationship there! The only difference is I was head over heals for him instantly! How cliche and like some high school romantic drama it sounds like. I was young and “didn’t know better” I ignored many signs and made many excuses… I apologised for making him feel so angry he had to resort to violence!
Writing it all down and colour coding everything is really going to help when my mind gets foggy!

[Anonymous]

It is crazy isn’t it. Now I’m in a better place within myself I actually think back on certain incidents and have abit of a giggle to myself, because I know now that it is definitely not normal behaviour. It’s almost like at the time we’re in abit of a trance, but that’s the mind control that they have. Everythings abit foggy, lack of sleep through sorting the children and running the house and lots of coffee to get through the days lol! When you manage to have a good sleep and abit or time to yourself to think, it literally hits you that this ‘man’ might not be okay! During the lockdown I picked up more and more on lots more things.

I’m the future IF you get the urge to contact him or miss him, you need to get this out and start looking through what he’s done to you. Lol, or maybe you could even write a book! Xx

[RedGiraffe]

I know what you mean, my head is so foggy but clearing and I haven’t slept properly in I don’t know how long!

It’s funny you mention a book, I’m a little bit of a writer (a previous hobby that got pushed aside during my relationship) but I actually thought to myself “this would make a hell of a story”. I did once think about keeping a diary and turning it into a diary type book but decided against it! (Wish I had gone through with the diary part now though) xx

[Anonymous]

You should go for writing the book I say. We all love a good non fiction read and others could learn from your experiences. It would be a good way to get it all out of your mind too by typing it all up from start to finish. From a therapeutic point of view if will defo be great for you! Xx

[RedGiraffe]

I think I will work towards it 🙂 you’ve inspired me and I do love writing, will have to remember lots of breaks because it’s so heavy xx

[Author]

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