Good childhood

[Eve1]

I had a conversation recently with my son and he spontaneously said ‘we had a good childhood’. This took me a bit by surprise and I said yes on some level it was good, and I’ve just just been going round and round with it in my mind since then. I haven’t really spoken to him about his Dad’s abuse of me, it was a long time ago and I don’t especially want to right now. It’s just so alien to me to think of anything good coming out of the time I spent with his Dad. The more I think about it, what I loved about those years es anything to do with the children and I’m glad that his memory is that his childhood is good. Maybe it’s a sign of how far I’ve come that I can see that I’m the one who made that childhood good for them, in as far as it was.

I’m going to maybe write about it for myself later and see if I can make more sense of if. It’s funny how once remark can set you going round and round.

Eve
x

[Eve1]

I meant to put a question mark after the title, but I forgot, can’t edit it now!
Eve
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[Darcy]

Good afternoon my beautiful angel …Eve
Well done, you have clearly raised very loved and well rounded children, despite the abuse you went through. You should be extremely proud of how strong you are, so give yourself some credit.
I would always recommend writing things down and journaling, its a great way to unravel things.
Well done!
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[Eve1]

Thank you Darcy, what a lovely reply. I hope that’s the case. I think we do protect them as much as we can, don’t we? Lucky for me in some ways that he thought looking after children was not important so left me to it.

Very appreciative of your love and support.

Eve
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[gettingtired]

Hello Eve, I’ve no doubt about it that you made your son’s childhood as good as it was. It was all down to you I’m sure.
I don’t have children yet but I’m amazed by the strength of women who have suffered abuse whilst trying to raise children. You have my utmost respect and I hope you realise what a strong and wonderful Mother you are.
I agree journaling helps or posting on the forum to hear from other survivors. Take care x*x

[Bettertimesahead]

My keyworker keeps reiterating to me how lovely my adult kids are and how despite decades long abusive relationship, they are great. I try to feel proud of myself for it but part of me still beats myself up as they could have had more. They are both still at home and I am grateful as we are now getting fun family time

[Eve1]

Thank you both. You are kind.
Eve
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[Lottieblue]

@Eve1, I am envious…

I don’t think any of my kids would say they had a good childhood. Sure, there are moments, memories, that we can all pick out and laugh about and enjoy, but overall I think that there was no “happiness” in the air. It was always all about keeping Dad happy, not making him angry – and me too, because I was always trying not to make him angry, so was always chivvying them.

I tried so hard, but it could never be. All I wanted was to create happy memories for them, but it was out of my control. Good for you. X*x

[KIP.]

My son said the same that he had a good childhood and only saw my ex and I as happy. On one hand it just goes to show how good I was at hiding and covering for my ex mainly by giving him what he wanted but remember children only know their childhood. I’m sure many victims would say they were happy when it’s all they’ve ever known. So although it’s a nice thing to hear, he missed out on a happy healthy confident mum that hopefully now he will get to know properly.

[Eve1]

Thanks both. Aw Lottieblue, I’m sorry you had too suffer that. That’s what surprised me, as my memories are similar to yours, making sure he didn’t get angry, and the atmosphere often tense or negative in some way. He did kind of defer to me regarding childcare, I’m sure that was because he deemed it beneath him, so I was able to give them as much attention and fun as is possible with an abuser around. However, my son’s memories are different to his younger sister’s. She has had to deal with mental health issues which she’s still dealing with, which I believe and she can also somewhat see, are connected to her dad being abusive. And up until recently (she’s (detail removed by moderator)), she’s said she can remember very little of childhood up until about (detail removed by moderator). So, different to her brother’s thoughts. I think her brother had a more positive experience with his dad purely because he was a boy and as such he was treated as a potential mini me (fortunately he’s not really, for which I again take credit), and afforded the relevant attention.
Obviously his sister didn’t get the same privilege. Also there’s a sizeable age gap between them and I think for a good chunk of his early life, things seemed ‘good’ to me between me and his dad.

KIP, I think that’s what I was trying to get at, you’ve put it very well. I’m glad he can say that his experience was good, but I know it’s not the whole or real story. On the whole I am glad to hear he felt it was good, and I absolutely take credit! However, I think there’s some denial, or maybe disinterest on his part. I feel we’ll get to a point where we can discuss it a bit more but it is tricky. I definitely want to but I’m led by him. Happy, healthy, confident Mum is a lovely thing to aim for!

Thanks again all

Eve
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