Good man?

[Anonymous]

I would like to try to be positive, I wouldn’t get involved again but thought it might be nice to do some day dreaming
What would a good man be like, what qualities would he have, what would attract us to him in the first place? Number one on my list would be Understanding, patient, warm & like minded. What would attract you towards a good man? Xx

[iwillbeok]

I had a look at a dating website – just to see… and it was a bit of fun the first time looking at their pics (nice smile, cute, look at those eyes, eww no etc). The second time I looked I felt sick! They all looked so threatening – even those I initially liked the look of. Guess I have a long way to go!

I think my list would look at lot like yours Blueberry.

Also on my list would have to be:
– looks after himself but not obsessive about it (ex was a slob)
– can cook!
– a good sense of humour without always having to resort to innuendo.

Not that I’ll be ready for a looooong time yet. It’s early days yet and enjoying my freedom 1st. Though I do miss the company – I do NOT miss him at all!

[Anonymous]

You are braver than me, I wouldn’t or couldn’t even look. Of course no one wants to be on there own, but even with a 50/50 chance of him being a good man I wouldn’t take it. Friends about yes that would be all. Nothing sexual, that’s way beyond my thinking right now. Think it always will be too. Xx

[Finallysomethingclicked]

I’m getting to this point slowly my kids are older they go to school and uni and they also work evenings so I’m alone a lot after working myself . A good man to me is someone who won’t push for attention for sex. I miss hugs with a man a lot but I’m not ready for anything… for me a man that can hug me and sleep in my bed without anything is halfway there. I love sex but on my terms I want my next relationship to be with someone who likes me be my friend before anything… wishful thinking I watch too many Romantic films

Xx

[Anonymous]

I think you are exactly right, a hug, something else he could never do, only quick which to him meant sex., x

[Serenity]

Kindness and integrity.

[iwillbeok]

I used to imagine made up romantic movie type scenarios on my head as I was trying to fall asleep with him snoring beside me – I think it was almost like a meditation to quiet my mind from racing…

Bizarre that I didnt even recognise this as some kind of warning sign that I wasn’t getting the love and affection I needed…

[Anonymous]

How true, laying there hardly daring to move, mind racing, I used to do the alphabet game, think of say a food with every letter of the alphabet then a colour anything to stop what was going on in my mind it usually worked and eventually I’d drop off to sleep. Other nights he’d stay on the sofa, didn’t get that back then, but do now, withdrawal from affection! Not that he ever showed me any, also dating websites on phone. X

[SunshineRainflower]

This is a great idea for a topic!

My Ideal Man is:

– A genuine person, not pretending to be genuine
– Honest, does not habitually lie
– trustworthy
– FAITHFUL – this is a massive thing for me, I cannot bare cheating, it absolutely kills me inside
– Has integrity
– Kind and caring
– Has empathy and regularly considers others
– Understands and believes in women’s rights and feminism, is not a misogynist
– Good hygiene. Some of the men I met from a dating site seemed normal online but when I met them I was horrified to discover they had bad teeth/bad breath and B.O – yuck yuck yuck!
– Accepts personal responsibility when he makes a mistake, isn’t overly defensive and does not always try to deflect blame
– Open minded
– Has actual interests and hobbies of his own and is passionate about life
– Has friends who also have lots of good qualities like integrity (my exe’s friends were shady characters)
– Inspires me in some way such as through his outlook on life, his hobbies, his wisdom etc
– Encourages me to achieve my goals and do what makes me happy
– Gives me space to be myself but is also clearly committed to being a couple – a good balance
– Makes me laugh
– I find him attractive and vice versa (not having to force an attraction)

And most importantly, my gut must like him! My gut has never liked anyone I have dated, even the one nice man I dated, so if I ever meet anyone my gut approves of, I will know he’s the one!

[Anonymous]

Hi the one that screams out to me is gut instinct, I think that is so very important. I am still quite sure though that I wouldn’t again get involved on any level. Fear would prevent me x

[ILoveMusic]

I’m never getting involved with a man again, even if he does have a massive pocket rocket 😉 There’s nothing I want from them and there’s nothing I need from them – Not looking for a man to compliment me on any level – The mask always slips eventually, it’s just a matter of time..So, I’m surrounding myself with strong, independent, inspirational women from now on and will avoid men like the plague :-))

[Anonymous]

Hi I love music I am too utterly convinced that I don’t want men near
I feel quite bad for saying it as there are still good men I would just be too scared for many reasons. I think life will be very different from how it has ever been because my trust levels are completely shattered
I know that I only want to be around supportive people anyone who can’t be supportive I think I will become a huge avoidant of. Probably just be neutral stay private muster up every last bit of strength and just focus on baby steps to rebuild my life. X

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Blueberry 🙂

I understand entirely where you’re coming from – Can I just say I read in one of your posts about the washing machine and having to wait till it’s full to bursting point before switching on – My god it was as if you were talking about the monster in charge of me – EXACTLY the same Blueberry – He comments on this every time I am in washing machine range – it’s UNREAL – even washing my clothes is an ordeal, my nerves are shredded. The extent of abuse these ‘men’ are capable of is jaw dropping! And it, seems all have such similar traits is scary – hence, I will never trust or live with one of them again…My health and sanity comes before any man on this earth.

The fact we are still living, breathing and able to survive should never be underestimated – I may not comment on your posts all the time, but I for one read, understand and am silently sending a massive hug. X

[Anonymous]

Hi I love music The washing machine was also when too full to spin, my fn fault, my heart goes out to you. Please get all the help you can to get away. I left it too late and have ended up having a major breakdown. The abuse always gets worse. Now others think, even professionals that I’m the one who has Mental illness, Yes severe anxiety caused through him, the trauma of all those years, there were outside major traumas too, throughout them all He abused on top. Terrifying to live with men like that. You do question your own sanity, They are also professional liars. The worst thing of all is that no one believes you. There were other things that stood out about who I was with too, like accusing me of poisoning him, his obsessive reaction to noise, even outside noises He went mental at garden birds & would scream & shout at them. I still hope he is ok despite what he has done to me. Ruined my life really, took away any chance of me ever bring able to trust again. PLEASE don’t stay with a control freak, Please get help to get out, asap. It really troubles me that anyone is living like I had to. Love and hugs to you xx

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Blueberry,

I’m beginning to realise the job is not worth sacrificing my peace of mind for…He won’t leave me alone – the onslaught is relentless, screaming in my face for hours…I’m broke in terms of money but am contacting refuges etc and going to plan a way out..I can’t take much more of this at all…all my possessions are here so I will start again from scratch with nothing. Begged my sister who’s minted to help today in an email and she wrote back and totally ignored what I’d said….made today worse. I get paid again at the end of the month and will use that to run. XX

[Anonymous]

Hi Ilovemusic Please phone the helpline before you do anything, they will advise you, and give you guidance on what your best options are. I know you are feeling desperate because that is exactly how I felt. Sending you strength & courage to help ease how you are feeling, I know it won’t take away what is happening but I wish I would have known about this forum back then. All the women on here have experienced what we have and we are all here to help one another through.
Anyone who hasn’t been through it truly does not understand, it’s not like a normal relationship with your odd disagreements, it’s a one sided relationship that you are being made to feel nothing you say or do is right. PLEASE KEEP RINGING the help line numbers, everyone I spoke to was friendly, they understand exactly what you are going through, they will be able to give you advice for the area which you live, they will guide you through, It’s a process that’s so difficult to deal with on your own, and one you should not have to be dealing with on your own. He got me in such a dreadful state I was barely functioning from day to day. I truly do know how you are feeling, It’s like a feeling of utter desperation. I used to beg him to stop hurting us, begged him to go to the doctors for anger management, he like who you are with will not think they have a problem, you will be told you’re over sensitive, pathetic. He will be feeling like the man, well that put her in her place. I’ve been yelled at, ranted at, ignored completely for up to 2 weeks at a time. Within a couple of hours of rantings he then thought it was OK to help himself to sex, I was actually told if I didn’t like how I was being treated to fk off, Told if things hadn’t massively improved within his time limit then he would fk off. You’ll know from my posts how much he tormented my soul. I read what other woman have been through too and we’d all say the same thing to you, Please keep ringing the help line, keep posting on here, reach out & keep reaching out. Whatever you do, don’t suffer in silence. Do you have anyone you can trust who you could turn to nearby, only if you do this make sure you can 100% trust them. Love and hugs to you xx

[Anonymous]

Hi White Rose me too I don’t think I ever could again, thought terrifies me x

[Author]

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