Goodbye to bad rubbish

[Camel]

This has just happened (detail removed by moderator).

Almost (detail removed by moderator) years ago I briefly dated a guy who fell into the category of ‘mad, bad and dangerous to know.’ It was the kind of relationship that burnt bright and short, like a firework. I discovered he had substance addictions that meant his lifestyle clashed with mine.

Despite everything, we kept in touch sporadically over the intervening years. I’ve probably seen him a handful of times. I would go for months or years hearing nothing, then a fluffy of texts, then nothing again.

Once I reached out to him for support and got nothing at all in reply. A year or so later he messaged again and I told him he’d let me down. He seemed to be sorry.

Roll on (detail removed by moderator) more years, two brief face to face catch ups and occasional texts. Now he’s probably dying. He begs me ((detail removed by moderator) people he’s told) for time together and I oblige by arranging time off and planning his stay.

The day before he’s due I message to confirm arrangements and hear nothing. It’s only (detail removed by moderator) days since he said he was coming and I imagine he’s dropped down dead or been taken into hospital. I contact the last person he visited and find out he he’s still there.

He’s the wrong end of the country when he finally responds. He’s been called back to hospital apparently. Doesn’t actually say the words. Leaves it to me to fill in the blanks of why he’s not gone home, that he’s probably not coming. Leaves it all to the last minute to let me know, despite knowing I’ve booked time off work. Despite declaring that he just ‘wants to be held.’

I would be physically sick if I gave a s**t.

I’ve spent the last few years getting to understand all types of abuse. Is this another one that I hadn’t thought of? What does he get out of it, if it is?

Whether or not it can be classed as abuse, I wasn’t taking any more of it.

At first I didn’t reply but I didn’t want him to read my silence as some kind of approval. So, despite his imminent death (maybe) I told him I’d had enough.

If I put our relationship under the microscope I have absolutely no idea what it was about.

His days could genuinely be numbered yet I’ve found that fact doesn’t demand my automatic loyalty. I’ve always said we get the friends we deserve. And he doesn’t deserve me.

[Camel]

I probably need to make clear that all contact over the years was on his terms. So eventually I stopped initiating contact. When he did get in touch his texts would often seem manic, sometimes insulting, always about what he was feeling, never asking about me, promising meet-ups that rarely happened. I think I’ve seen him (detail removed by moderator) times in (detail removed by moderator) years. He’d drop into my phone like a bomb – unexpected, confusing, crazy. Yet, for some reason, I was always pleased to hear from him.

I guess I’m asking for some back-up.

[fizzylem]

Hey C, this man is not available to you or likely anyone is he; he’s the one needing help with nothing to give back in return. He doesn’t have the capacity to think about how this may effect you, because it’s all about him and what he needs when he needs it, which is open to change at any moment.

This may sound horrible but I’m struggling to find a way to write it, but I’m thinking this man sounds like a charity case, someone who if you were to give your time to, would mean you expect nothing back, only the feeling that you maybe helped and that is all, that your role is only to help when he needs this and nothing more. I can’t see it ever ‘working’ in any other way; and definately not as ‘friendship’, friendship means ‘both ways’ doesn’t it, that you give to one another, support and care for one another and do fun things together – I don’t think he can ever be friends with you or anyone by the sound of it.

Personally, I would view any time with him as being no different to volunteering at a local charity; which also means you have to be in the right space in time yourself to be able to offer this hey.

There is part of me thinking go you, you have spelt out clearly to him the reasons why this is not working for you and that you need more respect and care from your friends, that if you can do this here then you have a good chance of doing this in all of your relationships – meaning you will have success; so I’m doing cartwheels here!

However, I am also left thinking he is dying; which leaves me wondering how you may feel when he dies. I think it might also be good for you to spend some time thinking about this, so that when the time comes you will feel happy with the choices you made. If you can accept he is not a friend, more a stranger reaching out in need, he may show you new depths to your own compassion – and this would be his gift.

You would need to think about what are the boundaries you need in place here though wouldn’t you, to manage the time you gave, one that springs to mind straight away is, can I help? Am I available? And if the answer is not today, not this week, then it’s always OK to say this – in fact it’s vital. Would be like setting up safe contact I guess, what do I need here in order to make this happen.

It is entirely up to you how you deal with this of course, lots of things at play here isn’t there, the logistics for example, among many others, which I am not aware of, only you can work out what is right for you and it may well be that severing all contact is what is needed and best; in which case maybe a kind good bye is all that is needed here x

[fizzylem]

Maybe he’s already shown you that you can recognise this is not the type of man you could have a friendship with and why, which arms you for your future choices in friends and a partner – he shows you why this wouldnt work and thus what you do need in your future relationships x

[Camel]

Thanks Fizzy for your replies. You’ve pretty much confirmed what I’ve always known. I never expected us to somehow end up as a couple. As you say he can’t form meaningful relationships with anyone. It’s not just me and I’ve never taken it personally. I’ve been happy over the years to be his ‘carer’ when he’s reached out. Glad that he felt able to.

He began messaging me again over the last couple of months. I’ve learned to manage how I reply. Never immediately, leaving it a day or two, keeping it short and light. He wanted me to drop everything and join him for a weekend in the north but I turned him down. Too far, too expensive, I already had plans. He begged me, hinted he was running out of time. It seems strange now but he never actually told me he was ill. I had to work it out for myself and ask him outright if he was dying. He said yes, though didn’t reveal what of, or the treatment, only that the odds were against him. I didn’t press for details. The thing is, now I have this uncomfortable feeling that he could be making it up, or at least exaggerating. How sad that all those years have led to this level of distrust.

Anyway, he replied (detail removed by moderator) to the messages I sent (detail removed by moderator), accepting that he has been a burden and has let me down. He said he was blessed to have had me in his life. Normally I would have been swayed into forgiveness but unfortunately the first thing his message said was that I’d got it wrong, that he had planned to come (detail removed by moderator).

I was so angry! How dare he say I’d got it all wrong. Twice I asked him to confirm, a straightforward yes or no. His reply, when it eventually came, provided neither, left me reading between the lines and assuming it was a no.

I actually recognised the manipulation straight away. The insistence that I’d misunderstood him, agreeing he was a burden and thanking me for being his friend in spite of it. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t jump to apologise for getting it wrong?

Well, it seems I’m the kind of person who is too worn down and angry to accept blame and I told him so. I said I hoped he had good people around him if he’s genuinely facing the end, but I’m not playing his games any more and am bowing out. I finished my message with a ‘goodbye’.

[Camel]

I’ve been reading some of my old posts and am marvelling at how quickly I forgot my own advice. 11 months after this thread I welcomed this (detail removed by Moderator) into my home. He had obviously survived the mystery near death experience. I was in a vulnerable position having a recent bereavement and he said all the right things to make me feel optimistic and glad to be alive. No surprise really when he had to go back for emergency surgery with the likelihood he wouldn’t survive. He strung me along for a month before I accepted it was all made up. Unbelievable. Boundaries? 0 Red flags? 100s

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