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One great thing about being away from him is that I can feel gratitude for things without my enthusiasm being ridiculed or destroyed by him.
Despite things I’d been through, I was a positive, optimistic person when I met him. I appreciated things, found the magic in life and was a glass half full person.
Though his initial mask is that he is a joker, which you might mistake as positivity, he is really quite the opposite. He is ungrateful, grasping: he doesn’t appreciate things, feels no gratitude for anything or towards anything. He was never happy with what he had and he will always be a pessimistic, ungrateful and negative person with a horrible set of morals and a depressing view of life.
I went to a party recently with a circle of friends who I’ve known over the years through put children, and everyone had such a good time. People were light hearted, kind, enjoyed themselves. It was lovely to be there. If he’d been there, I couldn’t have relaxed or enjoyed myself. As it was, I got up on the dance floor even without a drink! I hated dancing before! I’ve realised that I felt so unsafe psychologically when I was with him that I became inhibited. At that party, I felt surrounded by warmth that I was free to be myself, knowing these were good people.
In fact, dancing has always been an issue for me. Maybe I really am like a bird who has escaped a cage!
Who you surround yourself with is so important for your health and happiness.
I might be struggling sometimes with triggers and the PTSD may not be completely gone, not one thing I can do is get back to the old me: positive and optimistic, being grateful for all positive things and drinking in the magic of good situations, loving being with good people ( he wanted it to all be about him and had negative things to say about everyone).
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I can really relate to this. Perhaps having been out of the abusive relationship around the same time as you. I also think it’s a confidence thing. He eroded my confidence so much that I didn’t want to go to social functions with him for fear of being ridiculed (his idea of a joke), or being so nervous about the amount of alcohol he was consuming because an abusive outburst often followed drinking. All my time with him was taken up trying to make sure he was taken care of to avoid targeting me that I forgot how to enjoy myself. Good riddance to bad rubbish. He’s not my problem anymore 😃
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Draining responsibility and worry. That’s exactly right and it spelled over to all aspect of life including holidays. Taking his anger and frustrations out on me. Blaming me for flight delays, for not getting into the queue for boarding quickly enough, for not ordering the correct on board meals, for passports and tickets being at the bottom of my bag etc etc. He made travelling a total nightmare. No wonder I still get stressed at the thought. Life is so much better and calmer. Onwards and upwards…….
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Lovely post Serenity aka Dancing Queen! I enjoy social events more now though still get anxious before I go.
I agree with KIP – it was such a drain keeping him happy when we were out and trying to remain attentive to his every need, to laugh at his jokes and back up his boasting while being alert to him slagging me off.
I really identify with the travel too! OMG I’d forgotten that!! We always had to be there EXACTLY on time….we were the ones pulled from the queue at check in to get moved through and the ones running to the gate as he assumed check in was HIS personal time to check in and not that 250 others had it too. And you’re right it was my fault or our daughters when we were running late never his. He always had passports… I remember he forgot them once and we had to turn back that was my fault too. Uuuurgghhhh!!!!
Those days are behind me thankfully
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