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Its been a while since i have been on the site but I am still not having a great time. I thought that after court he might settle down but if anything he has got worse. I am virtually no contact but we have to have some contact because of our child. The latest thing he has done is despicable. I cannot talk about it here as it is being investigated by the police and social services but it looks like yet again he will get away with it as psychological abuse is so hard to prove.
Searching the web I came a cross a term “gray rock” as an alternative to no contact. I have never heard of this before but it seems to be something that people suggest if you are involved with someone with a personality disorder. Basically its about having a little contact as possible but the contact that you do have being as boring as possible and as emotionless as possible with the idea that the abuser loses interest. Its about not entering into their drama. I think my ex does loves the drama so I am wondering if i should gradually try this tactic. Has anyone else heard of it or tired it? Can it be used in situations of DV? I am even thinking of coming off Facebook etc. I have blocked him and restricted mutual friends but I am aware that he is jealous of my life and seems to want to cripple my mental health – Although I have been careful there may be mutual friends who tell him what i post or who show him. -
Hi Hun
No i havent personally heard of this, so sorry to hear what u going through, yes a lot of them hate breaking the contact and take advantage of contact via kids to abuse us or them, it has taken me (detail removed by moderator) months to get ex to leave me alone but he now continues to abuse eldest emotionally, not sure how old your kids are , coiuld u give indication without revealing there ages, both my kids are teenaggers. Have u got your f b setting on private to stop people viewing u unless u know them , i find as long as u ansawer there calls they happy with mildest reaction , maybe some one elsse will come along with better nadvise, always log there behaviour and get support from outside
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Hi I Want to Break Free,
Nice to hear from you again, but sad that he is still playing his games.
I can commiserate, as mine is too!
Gray Rock is my only salvation. I posted about Gray Rock on this forum a few weeks ago.
I don’t think you should allow your life to shrink because of him. Certain things you might feel the need to stop doing, to give yourself privacy and keep him away. For example, I keep certain aspects of my life very private, and don’t tell as many people as I might have done before, so it won’t get back to him. I’m not being secretive or underhand- I am just protecting myself.
The central theme of Gray Rock to me is to ‘be as boring as you can in your reactions, so they get bored.’
That is, don’t start cutting out the things you love, so that he can’t get to you, because then he had won and is affecting you still. Gray Rock maintains that you carry on as normal, and if he creates, give a very boring response is even pretend you haven’t into noticed that he is affected or trying to agitate things. Abusers thrive on our reaction. You might be reacting internally- but don’t let him know that!
Graceful swan- cool and calm on outside, paddling like fury underneath!
Except Gray Rock takes it one step further- you act like a very boring swan!
It has worked for me in the sense that, though he never stops trying, my boring response almost has the effect of convincing myself I am not affected by his stupidity- so I can remain less affected. X
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Thanks serenity and 123, I was thinking that this tactic might work for me. I have sort of been doing it already but without knowing the concept. He seems to like the drama and like hurting me and getting a reaction. He has bad mouthed me to every one, driven away close friends, tried to attack my integrity etc but i have maintained a life and have friends and am happy and gradually recovering.
I think he hates this and wants to destroy my mental health, he wants me to be a completely gibbering wreck who still has him at the centre of his world. He used to have been running around after him 24 7 so I had no time for myself and he wants this to continue. he seems very jealous of my life, he seems to almost want to be me or to be better than me, I keep hearing that he is doing things that I am doing, things he used to hate doing or had no interest in ……its spooky. I am worried if Facebook is fueling his jealousy even though I have been very careful about who sees my posts etc . I always give the impression to him and others (off line for him on line for others) that I am getting on with my life etc but i am wondering if this might be a mistake. I have removed so many people from Facebook but if someone who is a mutual friend shows him he has more insight into what to attack.
The last thing he has done is very serious but very subtle but I think and hope that it is about making me feel paralysed by fear so I cannot get on with my life. To be honest i have got quite hardened to his antics but this is one area that has really managed to get to me as it involves my child. He knows this. I just want peace. -
Read h g Tudor, how to do no contact. It explains the emotional fuel and how they need and crave it to feed off. My understanding if this type of strategy from working in (detail removed by Moderator) is to be as non reactive and matter of fact as possible. Show no emotion. Say only the minimum required. Even if u are screaming inside. I wouldn’t do it gradually I’d do it now and dramatically if I were you. They manipulate u to get the fuel, good or bad that they crave. No reaction means no fuel, the slightest reaction is a reason to keep going. I was a pro at this at work, it took me a lot longer to realise I needed to do it at home. It’s killing me but it’s killing him more I’m told. X
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Thank you Healthyarchive I have not heard of H G Tudor I will have a look!
I have been “out” for a while but his abusive games have continued – I have been no contact for ages but he is using my child to drag me back. I need to learn how not to react….its really hard when its your child they are messing with. -
It’s a total NIGHTMARE when it’s ur children. I thank god that the man I’m getting away from is not the father of my children. You have all my sympathies but it can be done. I had to do it to some extent with my kids dad for a while, for their sake. He’d do things to provoke a reaction. Channel your inner Mrs brown….smile and say that’s nice!:-) x
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