Grey rock and stress

[cakepops]

Not sure how to word this… I have to be in touch with my ex due to having children together (and no-one else available to do this for me). I have got very good at the grey rock method and keep emails factual, child focused, and I don’t respond to his attempts to rile me up etc.

BUT it really stresses me. It feels a bit like when we were still together and I was having to ignore all his insults, complaints, gaslighting etc to try and keep things calm. He always gets to have his say, and although he is polite (because it is clearly all written for court court/presumably to show the children in future) its full of constant lies/twisting the truth/trying to make me look bad etc.

How do I manage what is effectively ongoing coercive controlling behaviour? I have been advised to just ignore it, but that’s not exactly helpful!

[Lavenderrose]

Hi cakepops I hear you! My ex is exactly the same and like you I’m learning how to deal with it but it’s by no means easy. I feel like he gets to do and say what he wants and I just have to not react. It’s so hard as you feel like you don’t exist almost but we all know a reaction is what they want.
Mine too words things carefully so he looks innocent but the messages still have a tone!
I’m dealing with silent treatment at the moment so any correspondence we have to have re our child is just ignored or responded to.
The silence is ok but I still feel in some ways I have to jump to his tune.
He takes great pleasure in punishing me and I am waiting for the next one all because he tried to get his own way with contact. He interprets our CAO to suit him always and I stood strong.
The only thing I can say that helps me is having a separate phone that I don’t have to deal with as his messages were always so triggering. Every time my phone pinged I was on edge even if it wasn’t him. I’m more relaxed now for sure x

[cakepops]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too – its horrible isn’t it!

I find that I can ignore the ridiculous allegations and things he says about me directly. What I struggle with is him constantly putting his views onto the children. Thing that he claims the children have said about me / contact etc. Basically trying to make it seem like I am being cruel to them and stopping them seeing him much (he does have quite substantial time with them though).

I worry that in future he’ll show them emails that seem to show me ignoring the children’s wishes, when in reality he’s just making up stuff that they have apprently said/done.

[Anonymous]

Hi Cakepops

So sorry you are in this situation,I experience similar type behaviours. He tries to convince the children he doesn’t have much time with them and when the children are returned to me I know my son is particular feels torn because his dad makes him feel bad and he’s confused because he wants to come back to me after a long holiday period but is made to feel bad leaving dad.

I know you are worried about what your children will think in future if presented with his lies but don’t forget they are growing up with you as their mum and they will have true sense of who you are and you will be able to have conversations with them too. Being the best mum you can be to them and focusing on your relationship with them is your best armour against his lies and manipulation. I am really struggling with my ex’s behaviour too and I really do know how how difficult this all is and I know how hard it is to just focus on your relationship with the children. I have found some counselling via The Nurture Coach and they have free resources too, Rachel Watsons blog and book also good x

[Author]

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