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I was with my husband for, quite literally, decades. I don’t know where the strength came from to leave, but I did. When planning to leave I didn’t think about what it would be like after. The loneliness, the anxiety, the anger. The thing I struggle with most is grief. I’m grieving the loss of my life. That I spent my whole adult life with him. I grieve my loss of ignorance. Back when I didn’t know how unhappy I was. How do I get past the grief? I am getting better with everything else. I’m working hard on myself. I have friends and support. But everyone says I should be happy that I’m finally free. They don’t understand why I’m grieving. Does anyone here understand what I mean?
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Hi Hamster16,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand. You’re not alone in feeling this way at all. There’s often a grieving process after leaving, the same as their might be with any relationship. You might find the resources on the Bloom website helpful as part of your healing.
If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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I was also with my abuser for decades and met him when I was a teenager. I grew up in an abusive home so I’d never really known any other way till I found the strength from somewhere to go no contact.
I also have a happy life now, lots of meaningful volunteering and I’ve made some friends. I’m grateful for this new lease of life.
I also feel grief for the many years of unhappiness when I didn’t know what was going on. I think that it’s possible to feel both happiness and grief at the same time. I guess like bereavement, this kind of grief might change over time.
I’ve had counselling for various aspects of the abuse in the past. Perhaps specialist counselling with domestic abuse organisations could help us both with the grief aspect. I feel like I want to cram as much in as possible now that I’m ‘allowed’ and feel desperately sad that I missed out on so much for so long though happy with my new activities.
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Hello and welcome Hamster16,
I took understand. I grieve for myself and also for my kids. I wish they could have had better.
I understand that grief ends. But to get to the end we have to, you know, sit with it and feel it all the way through to the end.
Then I guess we are free to access the good memories.
Stay strong xx
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