Grief Beyond the Abuser

[Lancora]

We are on lockdown during the COVID19 global pandemic and I read today that a three week lockdown has just started in (detail removed by moderator) It occurred to me today that much of the pain I am still feeling is the loss of friends and family from the relationship. It bothers me immensely that they will believe I am a bad person, that I victimised him or mistreated him in some way (who knows what he told them, I think ironically he probably told them I was a gold digger after he took everything I had!) It really hurts and upsets me to think that they will believe it and console him and validate his story. Why do I care so much what other people think? I am managing to get some distance now between the hurt and damage he caused me by cutting contact and moving back in with my parents for a while, but this is something else I have to find a way to deal with as it is just as physically sickening and painful.

What is broken in me that kept me with a previous partner who emotionally abused me for (detail removed by moderator) years (I know that after my daughter was born, even when I became pregnant, it was because I thought it was better for her to have a dad and I knew he would love and look after her)? What I didn’t factor in was how his treatment of me and ultimately her as she grew older would be damaging to her. I was addicted to him in a way I wasn’t to this last abuser and my daughter’s father wasn’t in the same league in terms of spitefulness and deliberate hurtfulness. However, it was still constant emotional manipulation and control.

(detail removed by moderator) years I have allowed this to happen to me, without realising it was wrong or not normal, just feeling emotionally tossed about by the highs and lows. It seems so obvious now, I see it in both of them. I have cut my recent abuser out of my life (I hope) but my teenage daughter’s father I still have to have contact with and when he acts up it’s triggering. My daughter has decided she doesn’t want any contact with him. If she doesn’t want contact with him am I abusing her by telling her that he does love her and we would be best to limit rather than cut contact and avoid triggering him for now until she 18 or at least wait until we have been able to get professional advice?

[HopeLifeJoy]

You care about what other people think because you are human. You wish nothing but the best for them but also for yourself.
Socrates says “slander is the tool of the looser once the debate is over”
That’s what he’s doing and more people than not will eventually see through him, give it time, the truth ALWAYS comes out, always darling, the only thing you have to do is sit back and stay steady. And rebuild your life of course. And stay safe.

I would respect your daughters wishes. She must have very good reasons to choose who she wants in her life. See how you can support her legally to protect her. Seek legal advice. You can contact Right of Women. Or your own solicitor.
Other parents on here might have more advice. I am not sure which rights a child has, from which age on…

[starqueen]

I can’t supply any advice from the parent side as I’m not a parent, but I can from the daughter’s side. I would say respect her wishes too. I wish I’d been able to cut contact with my dad sooner than I did. My dad was abusive to me, which is the main reason why, and even though I felt as though the way he treated me wasn’t love, my mum used to tell me he loved me and cared about me, and to be honest that just made things hurt more because it went against what I felt in my gut. I can only speak for myself and my situation but I’d say respect what your daughter wants and feels. I hope you both find peace and safety in this situation, my heart goes out to you. <3

[Lancora]

Thank you HopeLifeJoy and starqueen. I will see if citizens advice can help with regard to my daughter’s rights and wishes. Your support and advice is much appreciated xx

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