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Grooming – I know we often think its mainly children that are groomed but largely this is what happens in domestic abuse. Its good to recognise this so we see the process then we can out pick it xx
Grooming is a tactic of overcoming the survivor’s defenses by slowly desensitizing his or her natural reaction to abusive behaviors. The most commonly recognized context is when pedophiles use it on children and their parents, but the technique is also used in other contexts, such as confidence scams or commercial sex work. Grooming works by mixing positive behaviors with elements of abuse. At the beginning, all behaviors are positive. Slowly, abusive elements are added in amounts that surprise the survivor to an extent, but do not push alarm to a high level. Overtime, the inappropriate comes to feel normal.
Because the primary aggressor’s real goal isn’t understood by the survivor, he or she often misses the harmful implication and dismisses the internal signals of alarm that do arise. As an example, a chain of desensitization is described below, based on actual accounts:
An adult male primary aggressor offers to play soccer with a child that benefits from and is eager for the attention. Then the primary aggressor starts seeing the survivor alone ‘for special coaching’ until it seems normal. Then the primary aggressor starts touching the survivor, say on the leg, excusing it as a demonstration on how to move athletically, until touch seems normal. Touch is moved perhaps on the buttocks, and excused as advanced training, and this type of touch starts to seem normal. Then the primary aggressor takes the survivor to his apartment “just to pick something up” but while there, the primary aggressor decides to take a shower. This makes being alone in the primary aggressor’s apartment with showering going on seem okay. The primary aggressor may make an appearance in a robe….
It is not hard for the reader to add steps to this chain described above. Eventually, the primary aggressor’s intentions become clear to the survival, but by that time, there is considerable ensnarement. The survivor may also be disarmed by being told inappropriate things are part of of a ‘game’, ‘test,’ ‘project, ‘or ‘favor,’ which suspends some self-protective reflexes and reactions.
Often, the first violations are boundary issues but not physical violations. The abusive activity might consist in describing a fantasy, or telling a story supposedly about what someone else has done. If there is a negative reaction, the primary aggressor can shift gears and deny he has the same interest or even feign disapproval. In the same vein, pornography may be introduced.
But desensitization works hand in hand with the illusion of a special relationship. This is produced by a mix of positive reinforcements, simulated affection, and possibly trauma bonding. Frequently, the primary aggressor will involve the survivor in some petty crime or violation of social norms. This is because breaking taboos together 1) produces excitement involuntarily (this has nothing to do with morality), 2) installs the primary aggressor as the only one the survivor can be honest with, and 3) instills the false belief that it is too late to end it. By the end, shame and secrecy entraps the survivor in much deeper way than if she or he had been assaulted all at once.
For most of the relationship, the survivor may be eager to experience the sense of specialness and push to see the primary aggressor. This may contribute to later guilt and shame when frank abuse is occurring. Because of the staged and confusing progression, the survivor may not at the end understand that the primary aggressor has been the sole instigator. The survivor might erroneously believe that there has been a mutual progression. This is largely responsible for the tragic, well-known reluctance of survivors to report abuse.
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Id say the last part of this is very familiar. I know its not something we want to compare what weve been through and it is a horrible topic. But its real – it works very much in the same way we dont realise its happening. Like putting the frog in warm water and slowly turning up the heat over time. the frog gets acclimatised and dosent jump out into safety xx
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Thank you for posting this, it really does make complete sense. I was several years into my relationship when physical abuse started and by then I thought it was mutual because I defended myself and I had already had 2 kids. Its so easy to see when its written down but unfortunately very hard to see when thats the life you are living. Its only now looking back I see it for what it was, but still take blame myself.
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i dont blame myself now but i did. it helps to see how this works and explains why we all feel this way. I would be asked why do you stay with him he offers you nothing? i couldnt answer – i didnt have a clue why i new what kept me was powerful i thot it must be love. now i know i was conditioned and trauma bonded. i see it now i only wish i had then because i stayed for twenty years. god i know !!
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this is why when i approached the police when he had terrified me( he climbed my drain pipes and burst my door down) my pleading sounded so garbled. They did take me seriously but then i took him back so then i wasnt believed! i hope they teach the police and other services about how grooming works i am guessing they know how it works when kids get groomed xx
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