Grown up children after years of abuse

[Delta]

Hello im new here. I was married to a monster for (detail removed by Moderator) years and after many attempts finally left at age (detail removed by Moderator) . It wasnt easy to leave in the (detail removed by Moderator)  especially with 5 children whom i love dearly but felt that I was purposely made pregnant one after the other as he refused to wear contraception and I couldnt take pill due to high blood pressure. By the time I went for my 6 week post pregnancy check up I was pregnant again and I was so worn out and controlled it was hard to leave. I wasnt allowed out and had to take them everywhere with me as he refused to mind them. He called everyone I knew and put me avainst them until the only person I trusted was him. He called me terrible things, humilliated me in the street, punched me in the street and the house, spat at me, looked at me with utter resentment, told the children to do the opposite of what id asked, kept me very short of money, and worst of all raped me 2 times. The worst was the first 10 years. The neighbours called the police a few times who used to come and take me to homeless families but I had nothing either money or otherwise and I felt so ill and like a zombie when I left I always went back. I was also terrified when I left. You didnt get any help then like you do today. I learned over the years to more or less normalise the situation but he always caused chaos. I will forever feel guilty about not leaving because of the trauma for my children. He was a good dad in the sense that he had time to play with the kids and take them to the park whilst I was just the drudge, the cleaner and cook. My opinion or what I said didnt matter. He told this to the kids from a young age to take no notice of me I was the n****r, crazy, barmpot. If I said no to them hed say yes. As they got older it was very difficult to control them especially the (detail removed by Moderator) boys who also by this time swore at me and did what they wanted. I finally left when they had all left but have more or less lost my children as they prefer to be with him they all go out together and watch football. I only see them when they have any problems but not socially so nothings changed there. Id love to know if anyone else has the same experience

[nbumblebee]

Hi,
Firstly well done for getting free.
I have no advice as im still here a few years less than you but not many. This is why i stay.
My kids will stay they will support their dad i will be the bad guy and no matter how im feeling i cant ever leave my kids.
I see now small bits of their dad in them they can get a little nasty if they cant get their own way if i dont jump when they ask and i am trying so so hard not to allow them to become like their dad my youngeat is (detail removed by Moderator) so i have a while to go yet till they are grown and leave home maybe then i will leave but the thought of staying that long fills me with dread makes me so sad.
My heart goes out to you it really does i cant imagine how tough it must be for you im not even ginna suggest you talk to them try and explain as i wouldnt do that either maybe you could try and find a common interest that just you can enjoy with your kids even if its just a cuppa onve a month its hard with boys i know that but it may be a start.
Wishing you lots love n happiness sweetie x

[Delta]

Nbumblebee thank you for your reply. I waited till the kids left then it was (detail removed by Moderator) years after that i left i went into a womens refuge for 3 months and moved out of the area. The problem was that the kids still lived in the area and they saw him a lot more than me as i was (detail removed by Moderator) miles away. It was then that he started to play the victim and telling everyone how hard done to he gad been. He got a new girlfriend a few wewks after id gone and is still with her but her kids hate him he calls her names and humiliates her. They dont live together. When i first met her (detail removed by Moderator) she was absoluty petrified of me. She told me he had told her I was a psycho and she feared for her life. (Detail removed by Moderator). I couldnt fight my way out of a paper bag and when i left I couldnt care less what he was up to i felt totally indifferent towards him all my feelinfs had gone she was not an issue for me. I lived in a different area for (detail removed by Moderator) years but came back as I missed my children so much. Dont get me wrong, we were still in touch and i did all the babysitting grandchildren bit. However, I came back to find that him and his girlfriend were heavily involved with my children socially and it was me that had to fit into their in crowd which i did to keep the peace and we tried to be civil. However (detail removed by Moderator).  I felt even after 15 years right back to where i was before i left. I have not spoken to him since and will not do so ever again so he is now badmouthing me and turning everyone against me. I dont get invited out by my children anymore as he is always out with them. I feel I am still being controlled and want to move away from the area this is why I have turned to the survivors site for advice

[gettingtired]

What a horrible time you’ve had. It’s so unfair that after all the abuse you’ve endured you’re now treated this way by your children. Have you had any counselling? Just wondering if this would help in your recovery? Xx

[winegum]

Hi, I’m new here too. I’ve been on this site for about 2 years now but never posted due to fear of posting on a public forum. I’ll try and explain just some of my very complex and ongoing situation. I still live with an abuser, I have been abused for the last (detail removed by Moderator)+ years and it still continues. My child left home approximately (detail removed by Moderator) years ago (their choice), I tried my best to make sure my child didn’t turn out like their father but it turned into a tag team of abuse from both. When my child left, I requested their father move out of my bedroom to my child’s bedroom after they left, which they did and this was a slight improvement. However, the daily abuse still continued. I was devastated for the 1st 6 weeks after my child walked out of our home in temper and then heard that they was asked to move in with another family member on the paternal side, which they later accepted. I later started to adjust and experience some relief from the abuse as I was left with just one abuser now. A couple of years later my child asked to return home as it was not working out with the family member they have moved in with and there had been a lot of arguments. I was shocked at the request but immediately replied yes but the same situation with the abuse couldn’t continue. My child refused to agree with my request on their behaviour and later got their own place with their partner and got married. This is where our relationship deteriorated even further as my child does not have much to do with not just me, but their father and now most other family members on our side. It started with a trigger when we were asked to attend a celebration and their father refused to attend due to racism and a strong dislke for our child’s new family who they later married into. I did not hold the same views. However, later I was told by my child to not come to this event on my own as it would be awkward and since then neither of us have been invited to normal family events held by my child bar their wedding and one meal over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years. I have since worked very hard to try and rebuild this relationship on my own, with no support from their father and I now get to see my grandchild about (detail removed by Moderator) times per year, albeit I feel that this has been agreed just to hand over presents at that time of the year and to mitigate me saying I am refused access to my grandchild. All visits are controlled by my child and they personally have to be present at the time of my visit, I’m not allowed to take my grandchild out on my own at all, no visits to their home, if there are any other family there (grandchilds other parent or their extended family). My child appears to follow their father’s footsteps with their cohercive control albeit not as violent as their father but just as verbally aggressive. I’ve resigned to the fact now that this is the best I can expect and that I thought their behaviour just related to me personally but now see over the years that my child treats everyone on our side of the family the same, (detail removed by Moderator). This has caused me numerous problems in trying to explain their behaviour towards my family which is very small. I find this situation extremely hard as I have suffered rejection many times throughout my childhood with my own parents and its like history repeating itself ( or is it karma?). At the moment I am feeling completely worthless, I have a couple of friends who I can talk to but the situation has gone on so long now I’m even bored of rambling on about it myself, to the point today I just turned my phone off and shut down my computer and lay in bed all day sobbing. I wrote to my child’s father (detail removed by Moderator) ago asking him to leave my home, which I own as I feel unable to live my life at all and I am currently feeling that it’s all just too much effort to carry on with things as they are anymore. My child’s father used my child as a tool to enable him to move into my home with me after I tried to separate from him (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and signed our joint property over to him for free, so he had his own property. I have asked him to leave on many ocassions since my child left home but he repeatedly refuses to do so. My child’s father has no financial control or ownership over my home as I had tried to learn something from my past mistakes and I was advised previously to write to him giving him notice saying he was no longer a guest in my home and ask him to vacate my property. I’ve done this multiple times verbally and then emailed him but he refused to read the email, I sent it recorded delivery to him and he laughed and ripped it up and put it in the bin. So not sure what I have to do next? I’ve also just received devastating news about the health of a member of my family who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and he has mocked me and them and been extremely cruel to me about them, this has just pushed me over the edge (detail removed by Moderator) and I now want to shut down completely as I am unable to cope with any emotions I have left inside me and just spend all day in tears and I am unable to function at all. I need to be well to assist this family member with the care and support they require on this difficult journey ahead and cannot currently even look after myself due to the constant abuse at home. Sorry I’m not very confident in expressing myself in writing it’s one of my dislikes, I always prefer to chat in person. Also, thanks to others who are sharing their stories, you are so brave to do so.

[Hazydayz]

Hello Winegum, How are you today? If that’s not sounding insensitive to what you wrote here yesterday.I really hope that my replying to you can make some difference to how your feeling today? You have reached rock bottom I feel, and my heart goes out to you lovely. I want to say so much to you and don’t know where to begin? If I start with… You too! Are so brave, sharing your story. I hope you feel your not alone here? I can relate to you in so many ways, the wasted years in an abusive relationship and now the pain of not having the relationship you should be entitled to with your grown up child and your grandchild/grandchildren after all the years of enduring what you did, whilst still caring, for your child when they were growing up. That’s not to be forgotten but applauded, in your child’s eyes especially! surely? I am often thinking this about my situation. Sadly, I too have similar problems that along with the abuse have broken me down to what I am now. The constant efforts that leave us tired and bewildered, and the desperation to share our mother’s love and have our children’s and grandchildren s love in return for life! It’s only natural! But, devastating if not doable, isn’t it. I know at some point we just have to switch off our mind from thinking why? But it’s so painful isn’t it lovely. I understand what your going through, I am also struggling with not having a proper relationship with both of my daughter’s and their children too, because of the past. Like you, I eventually felt the need to let go of trying to hold onto hope. But please… don’t let go of you now! that’s what I want to say right now. You deserve to look after you now! Just, love and care for you and dig in to that strength in yourself, you can do it! Even if it takes a while, just look after you while your taking a break right now. I hope you do find the strength to do that, it’s what we have to do my lovely, when we have no other options regarding parenting our loved ones. I was thinking as I read your account of your life, My goodness! you are amazing! How you have coped, how you have told so well! what your life has been, is and how your feeling about everything! I feel the strength of you in your writing! I’m so sorry you have to deal now with the sadness of a family member who is terminal, it’s not going to be easy for you right now. I know, I’ve just come through something similar, which actually affected me more than I expected. My daughter’s father, he died (detail removed by Moderator) and since then my daughter has forgotten all the good I did throughout, doesn’t want to acknowledge my pain! It’s all adding to the complicated situation and feelings we have to resolve isn’t it lovely. Take care of yourself remember, as well as the terminal patient. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[winegum]

Thanks Hayzydayz, I’ve tried to reply to you multiple times but cannot, please accept my apologies I’m in a right state at the moment x

[Hazydayz]

Hello Winegum, thakyou for your reply, and please don’t worry about not having replied so many times? As you mentioned, I understand entirely about that too. It’s difficult sometimes to find the words and put them into an order that makes sense to people here isn’t it, when the heart is aching and the mind is in turmoil. Not surprising really is it! that a lot of us struggle to write replies though we try and want to but, just can’t seem to get it out and said, what we want to say. The stuff we read here sometimes hits us and reminds us of our own pain and feels so much like how we feel. That we relate so very much to. It’s just so debilitating isn’t it if that’s something you struggle with too? Like me! Maybe this causes the incapacity to reply for many of us here? I believe that is the very reason sometimes, that I have struggled to reply to posts when I have wanted to, I too often, can’t put thoughts into words. Some people here are so good at it and some struggle. I fit into the later! when I’m struggling. If I’m feeling that I might not say the right things? I have a problem just getting it said, I have to think about it and then it’s stop/start. It sometimes takes me ages to get finished what I’m trying to say, it’s exhausting! I write so much you might have noticed? I think I’m good at that! Lol. Anyway, importantly now, as I so often do, I’ve left to the end what I’m also trying to say. That is…I am so sorry that you are struggling and as you say…your in a right state at the moment, my sympathy and empathy I send to you now. I hope your able to safely and easily access being here for support and that you feel able to relate to not being alone in feeling what you feel. That you feel some support is here for you too. Whenever? your ready to share. The lovelies here are lovely and I’ll do my best too. Take care lovelie x

[Hazydayz]

I’m so sorry Delta, I forgot to reply to what you wrote. Firstly, welcome to this safe place. Lots of lovelies here offering support to you, relating to you I’ve seen, hope your feeling less alone now. It was heartbreaking what You wrote and my heart goes out to you💕 so sorry. And my apologies too, I’m a straglet this week and just seen, I missed to reply to you personally following your posting here. I hope your ok? Feeling the love and understanding from this place. Take care lovelie, until next time, Hazydayz x

[StrongLife]

Sorry you have experienced this. It sounds hurtful but you have gotten out and done all those times with refuges and all that goes with setting up new house etc. Relationships will change in the future as the kids grow.

[Author]

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