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(detail removed by moderator) my child’s leavers assembly; he was there. I didn’t see him but know he was there as I signed in under him. Wasn’t expecting him to be there as he never goes to any school things and he works. Was suprised how well I handled it tbh, didn’t send me into panic. It did help as my friend had saved me a seat for sure and it was no where near him, think because I felt he was on my turf, he was the guest, I was amongst friends, and I wasnt going to let him ruin it for me, focused on the kids and it was such a joy thankfully I was able go with that.
Thing that has annoyed me though is a few people said it was nice of him to come (to me!!), even my friend said it. Have always felt she doesnt get it, she tries sometimes, but she def has her own opinions on our situation and it offten feels we’re on different planets. Not her fault I know, she’s never experienced an abusive relationship I know, but she is sometimes a bit judgemental and can falsely assume stuff.
People still seem to think it’s great when they preceive a dad is stepping up and done good. No one said to me nice of you to come?! Nice of you to bring her to school every day and pick her up etc etc etc.
I pulled my friend up. Found what she said infuriating!
Now I look like I’m the one with the problem, over sensitive. I don’t know if I am better off just saying nothing, agreeing with folk or disagreeing and saying what I think?
I feel I need to apologise to my friend for jumping down her throat now as she will be thinking gawd I wish I hadn’t said anything now, she will no doubt see me as too much hard work – cos I am – that’s why I hide away from folk ordinarily. It’s too much hard work. Sigh.
Guess this shows me my anger is always just below the surface, which is gutting, have moved from it being all consuming, which is dreadful hey, but it’s always going to be three at the sound of his name.
It was nice for my child he was there yes, not nice of him! He NEVER does anything nice for her either and I’m not exagerating here, never asks her where she’d like to go or what she’d like to do, it’s always either a trip to poundland or the gaming shop, becausae he wants to go into the city or it’s xbox while at his. He’s never taken her away, and has booked four holidays now without her. Grrrr!
I’m so mad for what he’s done, what he hasn’t done and how he seemingly appears to get away with it.
Saw an apt quote yesterday, it said this, ‘ dont get upset with people or the situation, both are powerless without you reaction’ – trying not to – but where can this anger go? Or where does it need to go? How can I use it? x
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With any luck, your friend will get in forst and apologise to you for the insensitive remark, Lem darling.
If not, don’t worry. Nobody who’s never been there will ever really understand. I think we just have to accet that and not feel we need to educate the whole world. It is truly amazing just how little these abusers need to do (positively) to have everyone praising them, isn’t it? Almost as if they worked it out…
Flower x
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Hi there FL,
Yikes. It sounds dreadful and it’s so hard with people who just don’t get it. There seems to be a different set of rules for them, it’s almost like because they never bother showing any effort, then once they do, we have to shower them with praise and kiss the earth they walk on as a thank you. It’s so backwards to me and yet so common. Whereas those who always puts in the effort get no praise at all, rather if they on occasion and for good reason cannot show an effort, it becomes a big deal and their character is harshly judged. So so backwards. It’s like consistency doesn’t matter when these comments are made.
And you are spot on when you say it was nice for your child that he showed up, that’s where the focus should have been but instead it became about him. It’s no wonder the anger came to the surface briefly. I’ve been binge-watching The Good Fight recently and am thinking about following some of the coping strategies of one of the leads; hurling axes at a wall!
It sounds like you handled the shock of it really well and it’s good to read you also managed to enjoy it x
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I know AS! I have def experienced that, I used to be the one to step forwards every time, I haven’t over the last few years, as I NEEDED to take time out, and I feel like a lot of people have been unkind to me because of that, she’s changed, but none of these people have come up to me, more I have heard they have been unkind via others. I am so past the days when I feel I need to justify myself, I used to try and dot hat all the time with him, then I realised this only keeps the arguemnet and abuse going! Tbh I am much happier not feeling I have to justify myself to anyone. I’m not that bothered, I think it says more about these folk than it does me. The bit that I find hard, which I feel is my responsibilty, it to treat everyone equally and with respect rgardless, cos atm I usually opt to withdraw – easier. I can live with folk gossiping, if its not me its some other poor sod.
Really riles me how today dads seem to be put on a pedalstal. A few years back everyone used to think how great a dad was that lived near by, because he took on his boys full time, the man was horrid, being a dad gave him credit where none was due; transpired he used to kick the hell out of them.
I also know someone who took on his son full time and has always slated his ex to anyone that will listen, knowing what I know now, and how this man is, I cant help but wonder if she got to that place, where it all becomes too much, because of his behaviour, so she felt she had no choice other than to walk away as she couldn’t see any other way out of the abuse – I could be wrong, but this is what my gut is now telling me – most people perceive him as being so great for looking after ‘his’ son! No one knows his ex round here, never even met her – yet most people seem to have concluded she must be terrible to have abandoned her child, and have adopted his version of events – it’s not always as it seems is it – as we all know.
My child’s dad seems to have to do very little, like you say, so when he does it’s noticed and he’s that great dad – no he is not, he is a lousy and abusive parent, because if he not shouting at her, he is abusing her mother – the one person in the world he should be supporting to do the best job I can, he only makes my job harder, which impacts on my daughter, as she sometimes only get a half parent in me when I am worn out or dealing with stuff that he’s created for me or working the job of two parents as I’m on my own. Feels like there is no justice.
Thanks for understanding the both of you. I apolgised to my friend and we’re all good, I was going to tell her how much it floored me if she asked, or the convo went that way, tell her it is because it feels like he gets away with it when comments like that are made, she didnt go there, was happy to accept my apology and move on. I accept she just cant get most of it when it comes to this stuff and that is fine, she’s otherwise a good egg and she does try to understnad sometimes and that warms my heart xx
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Hi Fizzylem, I’m glad you got to make things right with your friend. I think until you are in the situation of caring for kids all on your own nobody gets it. It’s scary feeling so much responsibility and so alone. I keep thinking if I fail at something then I’m letting my kids down. People who have a good partner has someone on their team so they get to feel safe. The insensitive comment made by your friend was made because she does not walk through life like we do, carrying the heavy burden. It’s exhausting and yes it angers us because our abusers lives are probably very carefree! We feel anger at the injustice. Last night my kids had a phone call with him and I got to hear about the amazing meal that he had had while me and the kids were stuck with toast again because there is very little money for food. It made my blood boil. Petiole don’t get it and they won’t but some of us do especially here. I think just accepting we will be angry from time to time helps and accepting it’s a normal part of the process. X*x
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You are not letting your kids down F, he is, by not supporting you. All mum’s need support hey. We’re doing the best we can with a sh!t situation.
Youre spot on, some of my friends dont see how difficult it can be to feed and cloth children at all or how lucky they are to have the family CC and holidays away etc, everything they need when they need it and soneone to pass the baton to!
Funny as I pulled this same friend up on this once, there were 3 of us there at the time, I said something like you two would have a very different view of what you think I should and can do if you were raising your children alone with only a small contibution financially from him (which is so small it nowhere near covers half of what she needs – I even saved all the receipts one year and worked the figure out!); I said, for example, you are both doing p/t jobs that are only just above the minimum wage – how do you think you would manage to pay the bills then, live in the homes you live in now, go away on the holidays you have done, give your children everything they need? So basically do all you do now and more because you only get one night a week off when the kids are with him – and you need more money?
Was point taken.
Both of them work for the family first and do part time work as a top up and for their own sanity, like many women do; in both cases their husbands earn a considerable amount of money. I said while you are together you share the load, no one has more importance than other, he is the provider, you take care of the family – that would change! Would leave you unsupported – the postion I am now in.
However, I do find that just egtting on with it is much better for my mental health than getting angry and what he doesn’t do. We will manage. We will rise x
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i get you fizz xx as time passes tho your daughter will see who was REALLY there for her – you 🙂
your almost there – youve completed the hardest task in the world (lots off people would agree) against the odds and on your own. took the whole responsibility on board really. i did too and it can be a struggle , it is hard and once we get there with them i do believe they will appreciate what weve done and weve shown them women can stand alone and bring up kids bloomin well too! its you she wants that says it all. people who havent been through this just dont understand the dynamics. we still have old fashioned cultures that women do the lions share off the child rearing which is rediculous but actuall y true in most cases. men arent seen to take on these roles by some people and if they look like theyre showing an interest for even a brief moment its hooray for the man stepping up woopee so scunnering and small minded – not your friend but lots off folk. old school at least were living in the real world 🙂
ive learned a valuable a lesson i only open up about my experience to my fellow survivors now. i feel akin to the women who have endured the same as me. for the people who have been lucky enough not to have experience off this i gloss over it xx its a coping mechanism i guess but it saves our energy xxxx for what its worth im with you on this xxxx i really admire you tho we are the strongest off these women remember that xxxx much love diymum
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Cheers DM, yeah I’ve left her out the loop a lot this last year because of the things she says and I really cant be bothered to explain – we just cant relate on this matter, am feeling more and more I cant relate with a lot of stuff though. Think you’re right, think I need to save this for those who undertsnad cos they’ve been there, and the rest, just be sociable. I do have one friend tho who has never been through this and she’s so so supportive and always there for me if I need her, has helped me with my proposal. She never ever judges me and it’s like I could never put a foot wrong in her eyes, she’s just so warm and accepting, she’s like it with everyone – she is def an exception. Think we’re both working out who we want to be around aren’t we as we move forwards x
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just be selective – your friend sounds like a good un xx good supportive people is what you need right now. i wouldnt go there again on this topic with the people your unsure off – conserve your energies. were forging ahead just find our feet again really arent we? the end is in sight tho im actually praying for you but i have a funny feeling he hasnt applied (detail removed by moderator) i think he might be smoke with no fire xx just a gut feeling x love diymum
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Oh Fizzylem I *totally* get what you’re saying and how frustrating and unfair it is when they get praised for being “superdad” when we know the truth. It’s interesting what you said about him turning up when he never showed any interest before – my idiot ex did that too, suddenly became “super dad” doing all sorts of activities etc which he certainly didn’t do before.
It really winds me up too when people make comments or don’t get it – and I don’t know what you do with the anger, I just know I feel it too, it’s so painful and unfair. I also have friends and family that don’t get it, but I’ve got to the point now where I realised I was winding myself up trying to make them see it from my point of view, because they probably were never going to. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still bother me though! Hang in there, you’re doing a fab job, this will get easier in time x -
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