Guess I am not as emotionally detached as I thought

[IAmGoodEnough]

I was so sure that he couldn’t affect me the way he used to. I had been successfully dealing with his behaviour and not letting him trigger me. I actually felt like I was strong enough now to make the move to leave.

Turns out I forgot how bad he could be. He has been mostly been ‘good’ for the last few years since he realised I might actually leave. He has been doing a lot of victim behaviour and generally arsey toddler stuff. The kids have forgotten the worst version of him and I was worried they wouldn’t understand why I needed to sneak out.

He has been gradually slipping back into his old behaviours but (detail removed by Moderator) he lost it. Not violent…he has never done that…but he snapped. Started yelling at the kids out of nowhere and for nothing. Apparently they are all disrespecting him, no-one cares about him and his needs etc etc. Wouldn’t even let them respond.

What bothered me and scared me the most though was the look on his face. D**n I forgot the terror that look can instil in me. Just sheer hatred. It’s like he is possessed or something.

He then stonewalled us for 24 hours. Like we were sh*t on his shoe. I am not the person I was though. I tried to talk to him but was honest and said that he was massively over reacting. No one did anything wrong. But there is no reasoning with him so I just got on with my day and left him to it. Before I would have followed him around and pandered to his every need so I am proud of myself for that. But I was literally shaking for a full 2 days, couldn’t function at all. All today I have been drained…like an emotional hangover.

I had to fight so hard to not revert back to type. In my head I started blaming myself because I have been going to fitness classes twice a week, studying, seeing friends, doing really well at work. My confidence has skyrocketed and he sees that. I know that that is what triggered him and all I could think was that I need to make myself small again so he feels better. But I can’t! I won’t be small again, I refuse.

The worst thing was the kids reaction. They just disappeared into themselves. You could have heard a pin drop in the house. It’s like they remembered exactly how to behave even though they claim they have never seen him like that before.

The one good thing that has come out of this is that they are starting to see the real him and no matter how much I want to protect them from that they are at least old enough to understand now and maybe won’t hate me for taking them away.

I just can’t believe I dealt with that version of him for so long and had no idea how bad it was until I found out he was cheating. That I lived with that day in day out and thought it was normal….that he was just depressed and needed me to help him get better.

It has also shown me how far I have come and also how badly I need to leave. But I am under no illusions now that he could ever be reasonable and just let me go.

Sorry this is so long but I am still processing what this means and whether I am ready to deal with how horrific things are going to get if I move forward.

[Bettertimesahead]

This sounds very similar. We had an episode like this and then things escalated. About 2 months after I asked him to leave . He did but came back and forth for (detail removed by Moderator) days until after final incident got the police involved. I had started like you getting stronger and not pandering to him. It’s hard when you start to realise how bad things had got.
You are doing the right thing and you and your children deserve to live a life not in fear

[KIP.]

You and your children are traumatised. The Body Keeps The Score is a great book. I think you and the kids should seek counselling as soon as possible. Kids normalise that behaviour which could explain why they don’t remember it. You as an adult are badly affected and the kids will have lasting mental injuries from abuse. It’s well documented. It’s enough they have previously seen it, it’s the not knowing when he’s gonna blow that causes anxiety in you and the kids. Start working on an exit plan with womens aid x

[IAmGoodEnough]

Thanks Kip
Yes you are right. I had forgotten this feeling…like nausea in my whole body. I keep seeing that look on his face in my head and its like an old nightmare returning. I can’t believe I forgot how bad this was. It has been so long I was starting to believe I was making it up. I know people talk about the abuse cycle but we have been in the good behaviour bit for years.

My abuse team support worker has the children’s team on standby to ensure the kids get counselling once we are safe but I can’t do anything until then as the risk of them letting on to him is too high. I have been having therapy for nearly a year which has helped me get to this point but things had been so calm at home I was working with q false sense of security I think.

[IAmGoodEnough]

Thank you
It’s so hard to know whether to stay small to keep the peace in the hopes it will be easier to leave or stand up for myself, risk things getting worse but at least I won’t slip back into staying because its easier when he is calm.

I just can’t deal with him being on my case all the time again and looking over my shoulder all the time.

[KIP.]

You will,probably find things haven’t been that good for the last couple of years, just compared to his worst behaviour it may just feel like it’s been good. You may well,have PTSD. We minimise the abuse as a coping mechanism. Nothing you do will stop his abuse because he will simply move the goal posts. Keep working on that safe exit x

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