Guilt

[Scapegoat]

Why am I so overcome with guilt about everything? I’m in a toxic marriage for want of a better word. I intermittently come on here and post but then don’t for a couple of months as I feel like a drama queen and a victim.
My oh is over the top possessive, accuse me of sh******* everyone within a mile radius. I have no male friends, never go out for nights out and work my backside off. He constantly spouts about how selfish I am, what a s**g I am,I’m a liar, a cheat and he says I’ve robbed him as I worked out the bills wrongly and he overpaid by about (detail removed by moderator) more than me. But since then I’ve given him loads of money.
He now acts like I’m indebted to him and I owe him. He doesn’t work full time and has (detail removed by moderator), during which time he lounges round the house, plays (detail removed by moderator), gets stoned, sleeps and generally does nothing but wind people up.
I got to a point (detail removed by moderator) when I saw straight through it and could see him for what he really was. I could see through his lies and manipulation and told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He was v hurt and persuaded me he’d try and change which I accepted as we were in lockdown anyway, I’m CEV to COVID but in my head I was thinking I’ll only stay for now ( wrong I know) Although things were calmer and I even enjoyed my birthday and Christmas which I haven’t done for years, in the back of my head I just kept thinking I don’t want to be with you , I don’t want to be with you.
But (detail removed by moderator) everything’s kicked off big style, as he’s got no (detail removed by moderator). I’m (detail removed by moderator) and it’s a nightmare. He threw (detail removed by moderator) everywhere, hurt me, spat at me then says it’s all my fault I work all day and ignore him. I know this sounds ridiculous.
Did I call the police? No. Did I ring my employer to help me? No. I just sat and sobbed, dusted myself off put my smile back on and went back online.
The thing that is stopping me going is guilt
I feel guilty that he’ll be lonely; guilty that he won’t be able to afford somewhere to live: guilty I have waged his life, guilty I haven’t paid him enough attention as I really haven’t due to walking on eggshells and not trusting him. Guilty for hurting emotionally; guilty when I have a go back: guilty I’m not like other loving couples; guilty he’ll get into trouble if I involve police.etc etc

How do I get over this guilt? It’s consuming me and making me freeze instead of sorting my life out. I went to counselling and it made me worse, my panic attacks worsened ( mainly due to him being possessive) and I became stuck as a victim. I though I’d got past that and started to move on but today I’ve gone about a 100 steps back. I’ve read books: living with the dominator, should I stay or should I go and lots more.I know I’m the only one wh can do it but I’m then worried about work as I need to be online all day. I just cannot find the courage to go through with it. I might shout I’m going I’ve had enough but then I think what now? Please someone tell me how I overcome all of the guilt?

[Hawthorn]

My heart really goes out to you Scapegoat. The guilt is crippling and as you have described it freezes you in place. I was also trapped by it for many years. If my now ex husband hadn’t become so violent I felt my life was at risk I would probably still be there. Enduring that awful abuse. It makes me feel sick to think that but it’s true.

It helps to make a list of all the horrible things he has done to refer to and keep you in reality. And a journal of what’s happening on an ongoing basis. You have likely done this already as you are clearly very clued up about your situation.

For me it helped to reframe the guilt; he uses fear, obligation and guilt to control you. Keep you in the fog. So you will feel guilty whenever you make a decision that is in YOUR best interest, rather than his. When I felt guilty for doing something I would stop, notice it, and tell myself “this must be a good thing for ME that I am doing if I feel like this”. It takes time but it does make it easier with practice.

In your post you mention not wanting the victim label and I know I felt that way too. But there is healing in taking on that label, even briefly. You are the victim here. This man is bruatalising and abusing you, then blaming you for it. He is the perpetrator and he is doing it on purpose. You feel guilty because he has conditioned you to feel guilty, not because you are in any way at fault. If you haven’t read Why Does he do That? By Lundy Bancroft I cant recommend it highly enough. Its available to read for free online.

Keep posting, you deserve support and you certainly dont deserve this abuse. Reach out to your local womens aid, they will help support you too. Big hugs xx

[gettingtired]

Oh I am so sorry you are feeling this way.
I’ve felt very consumed with guilt too. The constant thoughts of what will he do, how will he cope, what if I’ve over exaggerated things etc.
Hawthorn has given great advice, I agree with journalling. I was writing things down on a little notepad but I found I was putting off doing it a lot (resulting in missing writing down entries) as my hand would hurt from writing and I was always worrying I’d not hidden the notebook! Are you able to hide a notebook somewhere? If not, how about sending emails to yourself then storing them in a folder labelled as something ordinary like ‘bills’ or ‘car insurance’ or something. Obviously no good if he has access to your emails though.

None of this is your guilt to carry!
He treats you appallingly whilst you work so hard, do everything in the house, pay your way (and above) whilst he slobs about making everyone’s lives a misery.

I’m still feeling trapped too but if you could try and break things down into small chunks at first that might help. Like I said about reaching out to a helpline for some advice at first.

I agree that Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is a huge eye opener. The best book about abuse I’ve read.

Please don’t feel pressure to sort everything out immediately. I’ve spoken to some ladies on here who said it took them a couple of years getting all their ducks in a row before they actually left.
Sending a virtual hug xx

[ISOPeace]

Scapegoat I can really empathise with being stuck in freeze. I agree with Hawthorn that your guilt is really your fear. Your fear doesn’t want to chnage the status quo so it keeps you stuck by making you feel guilty. It sounds like trauma bonding to me so you might want to look it up. I also do think reframing is a great idea. One way to do this is through Byron Katie’s “the Work” (she’s written a few books but I think all you need to known is on her website).
Also if you haven’t read Why does he do That? By Lundy Bancroft then please do. You might feel less guilty when you see better how it’s all about control.
Another way is to try to ask yourself what’s best for your mental health when you feel pulled in by the guilt. Your mental health is always the priority (think putting your own oxygen mask on first) and you don’t owe it to anybody to sacrifice your mental health for their apparent happiness. If their happiness requires you to sacrifice your mental health it’s a sign that they have issues of their own to resolve so you’re not really doing them a favour.
I know it’s so tough to feel so stuck. You will get there. Sending love xxxxx

[Scapegoat]

Thank you all, I know only I can make it happen but I’m so scared of repercussions. The abuse has escalated again and this time is physical but I’m ashamed to say I fought back so cannot phone the police.
I’ve read lots of books about trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome, manipulation, projection etc and could see v clearly what he was and what he was doing. I even told him I didn’t want to be with him and we should split up. He cried and begged that we should just stay together as friends until Covid was over and then decide what to do but now the tables have turned and my heads all foggy again, I’m exhausted and cannot think straight.

I’ve felt like this for years but did believe I loved him although now I don’t think I do.I’ve been through every emotion from fear, obligation, guilt, anger, hopelessness, panic and sadness, with my wanting to take my own life on one more than one occasion as a way out, not because I wanted my life to end but I want this life to end if that makes sense.
I actually agree with some of the things he says about me like not paying him attention ( cuddle wise) and I don’t give him compliments as I don’t trust him and never will. I’d rather trust a snake and I have a massive phobia about them!But I do everything for him, bend over backwards to clean, cook, work, sort out stuff, pay the bills but it’s never enough and I can’t even be arsed to try now.What’s the point?
The damage is done and cannot be repaired but he cannot see this. My idea of just walking away is not going to happen as he told me (detail removed by Moderator) “(detail removed by Moderator)” So there it is. I need someone to hold my hand like a child and lead me away saying enough is enough as I can’t even put my own happiness first as believe I’m not good enough to deserve it. ☹️

[Hawthorn]

Abusers destroy our confidence and self worth so we dont feel we deserve any better than the abuse. You really do deserve so much better. None of this is your fault. You lashing out in self defence is not the same as him instigating violence. His behaviour is deliberate and calculated to destroy your self worth and terrify you into staying. He is abusing you and doing this deliberately. Sadly he will only get worse.

Are you in contact with your local womens aid? You need and deserve their support. Start building your support network; family, friends and your GP all need to know about what’s happening. Abuse thrives on silence, shine a light on it. Take pictures of any injuries you might have and please seek medical assistance. Keep a journal of what he’s doing, it will be valuable evidence and will help to keep your head clear of the FOG of abuse; the Fear, Obligation and Guilt. The police have a domestic abuse team you can speak to too. There is support out there for you. You are not alone.

I’ve been there, in that dark place. Just wanting it to be over. For that life to be over. Remember the Samaritans are available 24/7 so do reach out to them if you are feeling low.

That life is over for me now. I was believed. My husband was lying, just as yours is. You will be believed too. There is a better life, a life free from abuse waiting for you. You can escape this and you deserve to escape this. Baby steps. Keep posting and reach out to womens aid.

You are not what he says you are.xx

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