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No it wasn’t your fault. He is responsible for his own actions and nothing you can do will stop his abuse. Abusers use fear Obligation and Guilt to keep us in a relationship and those feelings of guilt are how he’s controlled and programmed you probably for a long time. It sounds like he’s had chance after chance to change his behaviour but sadly these men don’t change and the abuse always gets worse. Are you in touch with your local women’s aid? Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? I felt incredible guilt for a long time after my ex was arrested bu he never admitted his guilt or accepted responsibility and continues to blame me for his arrest. Imagine a friend telling you this story, would you blame her? What advice would you give her? Abuse is a choice and that’s how he chooses to live his life. Have you used Claire’s Law to find out if he has a history of abuse? You can speak to the police and ask. Most of these men are serial offenders x
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Sadly a man who abuses the mother of his child is not a fantastic father. It’s classed as child abuse. It was incredibly painful for me to accept that the man I loved and thought loved me in return was deliberately abusing me.it’s a complete shock to the system to accept this and I think that’s why I lived in denial for so long. The more cruel he was to me the harder I tried to make him happy and find the man he was when we met. Sadly that man never existed. It was a mask he wore. The real him is a nasty controlling selfish dysfunctional abuser. Google the cycle of abuse and the power and control wheel in domestic abuse. It’s a really confusing time when we leave. We are brainwashed and programmed and probably suffering from mental injuries including post traumatic stress disorder. So build a support network around you. This forum, your GP, womens aid, the police, a solicitor and try and get some therapy. Have a look at The Freedom Programme. You will get through this,I promise x we spend a lifetime protecting our abusers so to go against them triggers fear, guilt and sadness. We still need to grieve for this relationship. Even if it was abusive, we lose our hopes for the future x
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I know that I haven’t been perfect but my intentions were always pure to him. I’m so nervous (detail removed by Moderator), even being in the same room as him, it makes my heart sink even thinking about it, what about if he didn’t mean to hurt me so bad, what about if there is something more I could of done, I know how ridiculous it sounds but these are my feelings. He could be so amazing to me, loving, kind, affectionate but then could also be so hurtful, degrading and violent. My head is everywhere, I wish I had a switch to turn all of these feelings off. X
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That’s the cycle of abuse. Being nice to you then nasty then nice then nasty. Keeping your head spinning. Try writing a journal of all the abuse he’s perpetrated on you and google trauma bonding. Your brain needs to process the abuse so that’s why your head is racing. Abusers abuse. It’s what they do. You could be the most perfect partner and they still abuse. They’re is nothing you could do different because he simply enjoys the feelings he gets from abuse x
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Non of us are perfect but blaming yourself for him being in prison is like a shop owner blaming themselves for shoplifters.
His choice to hurt you was deliberate and designed to control you. It was nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do. Good for you for not allowing that! Feel proud. You’ve done a very brave thing by reporting him and I have so much respect for you. I hope to follow in your footsteps one day. xx
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