Guilt

[phantasmagorical]

I might have posted something similar before, but my mind keeps going round in circles.
I don’t know how to feel about the anger and resentment I felt towards him in the latter half of our relationship. I don’t know if it’s because I was strained to the maximum listening to him saying things would get better, that he’d communicate more effectively and work on himself (I should also say that I regret not helping him more).

It’s like the more it carried on the less I believed things would get better, and then I couldn’t understand why they weren’t. When things were really bad I’d scream, like things got built up to such a point I felt incredibly wound up and irrational.

I’m also incredibly ashamed for saying to him that I hated him sometimes, and for calling him a coward.

I’m so worried in case I ended up being abusive towards him? When I think like this it’s like I forget everything that’s happened between us, and I instead see him as this broken man who felt trapped or something. I can’t even begin to describe why I came to feel so angry and erratic. It hurt me to feel and say those things towards him. I just wanted it to stop and for the good times to come back; I felt like anger was poisoning my body and mind, I just wanted to feel emotionally safe enough to love him again.

When his parents told me I shouldn’t contact him until he’s feeling better, that has been weighing on my mind ever since. What if he’s that way because of me and how I’ve been? And yet his parents say they don’t blame me; even his dad said he couldn’t imagine how I must be feeling? So I have no idea how to make sense of this. I feel like I must have been really bad and toxic for him to abandon the relationship and contact with me.

I don’t know if to experience anger and defensiveness is at all normal whilst in the relationship. One thing I have noticed is the adrenaline has since left my body. It’s like since he dropped off the radar, it’s disappeared. I don’t feel vicious and spiteful and it left me really quickly.

What I feel instead is confusion, sadness, regret. I do feel that he’s wrecked my life and taken so much from me, yet at this particular time I feel like I’ve wrecked his life too.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

I can relate to what u are saying, i think your brain needs time to process everything that has happened, i remember when i first left ex i knew it was wrong all the beatings he was giving me but i just couldnt process i was been abused, i actually ran for my life but was just so confused about how i had been abused, how i miss him so much but was hurt about beatings, i just couldnt understand my feelings or what was going on, i think i just remained ddstrong for kids even afterwards, blanking my feelings out. I too coulldnt understand why i didnt feel cross, it was cause i had numb all my feelings. It wasnt till i started counselling it was pointed out was i even aware that i had been abused to a high llevel in different areas., I recalled too calling him coward and not being a man for beating me , hence leadign me to think i was to blame and deserved beatings even though i had already be beaten up b4 commnents were made. I recall at times i thought i could hurt this man he is provoking and testing me so much., I nneven used to say tohis family keep him away from me otherwise one of us will get hurt. I would recommend you to take up counselling to discuss what happended in your realtionship. Sounds like he was already having issues b4 he met u, im sure u felt angry at the time for a reason. Your body is slowly relaxing hence u notice difference in your body, i was same , i would relax when he was not around and everytime he was around id tense up and i dint even realize it was happening till my counsellor sked me how i felt when he was around me. Sounds like his ddad knows he has some issues, hence asking u to stay away, which really is for your benefit. We feel we are responsible fro them but we are not. I felt bad too that i had spoilt his life, but really he caused the chaos and spoilt mine too,

[lover of no contact]

I was reading that we actually can’t hurt n*********s/abusers. It says they are empty so you can’t hurt something that is empty. He has no feelings like we do. They don’t feel hurt like we do. They feel envy/jealousy, fury.

He is different to you. So when you shouted at him that you hated him and that he was a coward, you ere giving him negative ‘fuel’ or reaction. That’s like a gift to him. He was delighted he had pushed your buttons enough to bring you to that state. You mad his day. He might have feigned upset or hurt but inside he was smirking. You gave him an adrenaline hit with those words. He felt powerful. So let that guilt go.

Abusers love our positive ‘fuel’, praising them, adoring them, waiting on them hand and foot etc. But best of all is our and others negative fuel (reactions). They love when they have reduced us to screaming at them. Then they know they are in control of our emotions. They know they can push our puttons, we will scream, shout, rage, be hurt (all normal reactions btw to being provoked). Even Jesus himself raged and stomped in the Temple, overturning tables etc. Even God (Jesus) himself had been pushed too far. Please don’t beat yourself up for reacting as any normal human being would.

Abusers purposely provoke us to get us to react. They need our emotions and the more anger, rage and erratic we are the better. They love our mind/emotions in a mess and our lives unmanageable. Its a win/win situation for them then. They get the lovely negative fuel from us and they feel in control and powerful and then they can point to us and tell others look at how crazy she is, I’m the sane one. Its all her fault and I’m the victim.

Hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

Hi I read that too that they don’t feel hurt as they are empty people & I truly believe after years of my abuse my abuser really enjoyed seeing me terrified, But I still felt & feel guilty for leaving, that I should have helped him not to live in anger. I was blamed by him for everything in life & after years being told that I truly now live in constant guilt that everything is my fault,

[Nova]

Hi P,
It’s all difficult to comprehend..how can we describe the b****y journey of each other, yet the similarities are so obvious!
We understand the crazy head banging weirdness that has actually! Happened ..not a story in a magazine..but us. Real honest and mind bending!
I can’t quite believe it myself, though I know sitting here writing this, it’s real & true! I was in a abusive relationship, and it took me years to figure out!

Your doing the best you can..figuring things out each and every day and moving forward, in pain, honestly and that is what counts for you and you future.
Your individual hallelujah!

Cx

[phantasmagorical]

Hello, thanks for your responses. I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately, with how stressed and angry I’ve been. I came across some articles about retaliating to abusive behaviour, and on reflection I believe I was lashing out a lot. Things didn’t feel right in many ways – I think I was trying to provoke him into caring or simply just to acknowledge me. Then I’d be seeking affection in a really guarded way from other people to fill the emptiness and I just felt really lost. Yet in the end it only made things worse than before; I think that’s why I got myself into believing that if I had repressed all my negative feelings that things wouldn’t be this way. I feel very strongly that he couldn’t handle me expressing how his behaviour was affecting me.

[Abcd]

I can so relate to that! That was and still is the most difficult part for me. I maybe understand that I was pushed and trapped into a corner. But I’ve expirenced such an ugly side of myself.. I can’t accept it. He pushed me to a level I become phisical. I would push him or kick him. Actually that was the stringest impulse to break up. It started that my beloved grandmother died (detail removed by Moderator). I had to travel from funeral over a night and straight to the office. I was exhausted and on edge.few day later I overslept to walk the dog he had day off. When I asked him to take care of the walking he just started screaming at me that I’m a lazy cow and worst. I snapped. I started kicking him with all my strength it’s like I got possessed. I so freaked out of what I became. That I turneed into a monster. I’m still scared. It’s been more then (detail removed by Moderator) but less then (detail removed by Moderator) and I have not got any relationship mostly because I’m scared of myself. I know it was protecting. But what if I’ll always be damaged 🙁

[Anabela]

I feel very guilty. That I can’t think of him well. That I agreed to try again some time ago and was not really fully there. That I lost the trust and always expected the worst of him. That I said to him i love him (which is true as I do), but I talk badly about him to my friends (just because not talking about my situation makes me feel crazy). I feel guilty and sad that he can’t sort himself out, and I should be there for him, but I have doubts and he can see that. I feel guilty that my parents lost their good opinion about him and I know it really hurts him. I know that the way he treats me and disrespects me is not right. That him being rude to me is not right. That him probably using me is not right. But I still feel so guilty.
I still remember a few good moments in the begining (the way he hugged me so tightly and didn’t want to let me go before I got into the bus to the airport. And it was the last time when we met and our relationship was good and I was so full of positive hopes. Or when he said he loved me for the first time.) Holding on to that makes me feel so sad and I keep thinking if I had done something differently. If I had tried harder. If I hadn’t done this or that. I don’t know why those good memories still remain after all the pain he has put me through.

[Author]

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