Guilt?

[Lightning-Jet]

One the one hand I am glad I am finally taking the steps to get out of my abusive relationship.
On the other hand, I feel guilty for going behind his back.

Why do I feel guilty?! After all he has put me through (& my son) why the hell would I then feel bad for going behind his back to get my life back?!

I hate him for how he treats us.

[Janedoeissad]

I’m planning on leaving and the guilt of keeping him in the dark is the hardest thing.

However, I just keep asking myself, “what would he do if I let on what is happening”. He’d have a fit and make my life hell.

It’s not nice but it is necessary.

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi there, that is a very good point, thank you!

[Ayanna]

It is their manipulation and minimisation what they do to you.
What they do to you are severe crimes, but you have internalised their manipulations and feel you betray them.

Keep telling yourself that you deserve better, that is not a way to live.
Their distorted thinking is not the law. They are outside of the law.
The real world is outside of your abusive home.
Everything real is outside.
They create a sick and fake world for you and you need to get out as soon as you can.

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Ayanna,

Wow that is a brilliant explanation of it, thank you! Absolutely spot on.

Thank you so much, I do need to keep telling myself I deserve better & I absolutely need to get out of this as soon as possible.

Thank you again

[Janedoeissad]

Ayanna what a perfect description. I’m going to come back to your quote every time I have doubt. Thank you x

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes, it’s a classic sign of being abused if you feel guilty all the time. I feel it daily. It’s called FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

They know that if they play the victim, we, as good people, often take pity on them, beat ourselves up, feel sorry for them and feel guilty so we stay. It’s an incredibly effective tool in their box of manipulative tricks.

I felt guilty too, guilty for going no contact and for reporting him to the police, but in the end, the guilt is all their’s because we are leaving and reporting them because they have treated us appallingly and committed crimes against us. We could stay and feel guilty until they murder us and in court they’d still probably find a way for it to be our fault, that is how sick they are and how warped their thinking is.

I now use it as a gauge of if someone is abusive or not, I have found that I rarely if ever feel guilty around genuinely good people.

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi SunshineRainFlower,

FOG, that is absolutely correct. I see exactly what you are saying there, we are good people and instantly feel guilty if they play the victim.
This has happened to me on many occasions now. He knows how to play me. He knows I can’t be horrible to people so he uses that to his advantage. That is one manipulative trick they have.

This is exactly true, the guilt should be on them. They are the ones who have committed crime. In all fairness, my family do worry about that. Whilst he has physically struck me once, there is always a potential for more.

That is a good thing to do, I think we know deep down when something isn’t right.

[Lilia]

Whenever i feel guilty i imagine what i would say to friend in the same situation and this usually helps me put things into perspective.

You deserve better than this x

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Lilia,

You are exactly correct! If a friend was going through this I would absolutely tell them they deserve better and need to get out of the toxic relationship x

[Confused123]

hi hun

we have all felt guilty because we are so empathic, reality is if caards are turned around they will not feel guilty and be so ruthless to us, his true colours are to show yet when u really leave him. THink of yourself and your child, no child deserves to be brought up in abusive atmosphere, they pick up on so much more then we realise. Question i got told to ask myself after i had left ex is , what is it that this guy offers u that u love him so much, how much respect does he actually show u . It hurt me so much to admit he offered me nothing, used me , beat me up and abused me every way possible yet i loved him. I had to tell myself that is not love, when u love someone u avoid putting tears in their eyes and hurting them not the opposite. I will stick to my first conclusion that i chose to ignore, this man has no right to hurt u , he doesnt love u , keep walking

[Lightning-Jet]

Hiya hun,

Yes I do dread to think how he will be when I leave him, I really do dread it.

Absolutely, my child is my top priority and I know I have to get out for his sake. The bad times outweigh the good & I don’t want my son to suffer. I am getting the support and I have also got support for him in place as well.

Wow, you know that is an excellent question to ask. Being completely honest, my answer would be the same. He offers me absolutely nothing. Its not love when someone constantly puts tears in your eyes.

Yep, he doesn’t love, he just wants to control and abuse.

Well – let me tell you, he picked the wrong girl to do this to. I am stronger than he thinks & I will continue doing what I need to in preparation for leaving him.

Thank you!

[Woollymammal]

I came to ask you all to help me but by reading this thread it has helped me a bit.. I left my husband .(detail removed by moderator). I ended up coming back and panicking (detail removed by moderator), so all pressure around me to.. I am planning to go (detail removed by moderator) I have no job as I have a disability.. I am still grieving from my daughter’s death (detail removed by moderator), which was when he started his abuse and violence.
So how come he’s being extra nice. He went to the doc and he’s obviously not told him the truth because he told me he’s going anger counselling. But he won’t admit it’s abuse (detail removed by moderator)
I found out he told my (detail removed by moderator) grandaughter that he would smash her face in and she was a bully..
Soooo why do i feel so guilty … in case I hurt him. One day im ok about slowly getting my things out.. the next I think shall I stay.. I know I don’t want to… my brain feels like a washing machine.. xxxx

[Lisa]

Hi Woollymamal,

Thank you for your post. I just wanted to say please try to find a safe time to phone the helpline. They can help to talk to you about your situation and help you to see a safe way to change it. Your partner sounds very abusive and violent and you deserve to live a life free from fear.

We are all here for you. Please don’t let him know that you are starting to get support to leave.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Lightning-Jet]

Oh hun,

I am so sorry to read this, its horrible to say, but you need to be very wary over that. Mine has also started to go to counselling saying it is to do with his anger and his drinking. Theres no way he will be admitting to any abuse.

Please please please get some help, call the line when you can, find out about local support.

Take care x

[maddog]

Thank you for posting about this, Lightening-Jet. I am still plotting and scheming to get out safely and it feels as though I’m the baddie. I need for him to think things are his decision (dog training technique). I have long asked him for us to separate, and have been told I’m a coward, stupid etc… |(detail removed by moderator) I just hope he does his part. I doubt the police will do anything despite several statements. He had me arrested on the press of 3 buttons and a lie.
My solicitor is fantastic and I have told her my plans. It is difficult, and I do feel sometimes as though I am being deceptive. I need to keep him on side as his rages are terrifying.

[Lightning-Jet]

Hi Maddog,

I hope you get out safely soon, its so hard trying to plan everything isn’t it & its difficult dealing with the feeling of being the baddie. Even though we know what they are constantly putting us through.

Sadly, some people will make up stories and call the police to try to take the spotlight off them and make you out to be the problem.

I really hope you manage to get out safely soon, you shouldn’t feel scared around him incase he has an outburst. Its just not right x

[Confused123]

HI woollymammal,

call the helpline and get advice and support, u feel guilty as that is how they have trained us to think they we can not betray them but they can do whatever they like to us. trust your gut and get help and guidance, it is a lot to soert out on your own, this is why we need positive support, protect yourself and your grand daughter

[Author]

Posts