Guilt

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

He’s making me feel guilty about child contact. I’ve told him no because I don’t trust him! He would never hurt them but he had a drink problem and woman problem. Am I being selfish by saying no? He said courts are too exspensive and that they need there dad. I don’t want different woman in their lives, ok he was a okish dad but when we were together he hardly did anything with them it was always me. Rarely helped with they’re routines. Out he did do a lot of night feeds only because he feel asleep on the sofa with the baby. He did help when home so I could get on and do everything but it’s so much easier just to shut him out completely. Am I being selfish or a s**t mum as he put it? I’ve asked for money and he said not until we have made child arrangements. What’s other people’s opinions in this?

[itwillbeokay]

I’m interested in this as I can relate to what you’ve said here. I left with our two very young children about (detail removed by moderator) and we are now separated. I’m taking them to a halfway point in the morning to see him, it’ll be the third time he’s seen them. There should’ve been two extra times but due to his drinking and threatening messages I didn’t go those times. I’ve sought advice last week as he said I’d kidnapped them and should be ashamed of myself and he’d call the police. I have been advised I do not have to take them to see him and I don’t have to allow him to see them if there is no court order in place. I don’t want him to not see them but, like you, I am wary – due to drinking and also his threatening and intimidating behaviour towards me – one of the reasons I left. I am worried that as he can no longer intimidate me in our house he will do it through contact with our children somehow. Women’s Aid advised me to be aware that he has 50/50 parental responsibility as we are married and he is on the birth certificate so if he had them on his own and decided not to give them back he would have done nothing wrong and I would need to apply to the court to get them back. Whereas if there is a child arrangement order in place it can specify they have to be returned at X time and if they aren’t the police can intervene.

Like you my husband didn’t do a huge amount and was just “fine” really, calm with them, no problems, but I worry about him having them without me based around lack of experience, lack of responsibility, wanting to get me back for leaving, a general anger towards me etc.

I am going tomorrow – and dreading it – and have sent an email suggesting mediation followed by a child arrangement order. He didn’t reply so I don’t suppose he liked it.

The solicitor on the phone said I was under zero obligation to allow him to see them and I could simply wait for him to take me to court – I’ve chosen not to do this but that’s what was advised to me.

xx

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

It’s a hard one isn’t it because like you I do want him in their lives but I don’t trust him to not get at me through them too. He has 2 chikdren from a previous relationship who are older and they don’t want to see him because they realised what he is like. I’m seeing my IDVA tomorrow so hopefully she will give me a more clear answer. He won’t give me his new address because he doesn’t want me going round and kicking off (considering he smashed my car up few weeks ago) so again it’s the control thing isn’t it. He saying I’m stopping him seeing the kids because I want to hurt him because of my feelings towards him (even though I ended the relationship) yea I do still love him and miss him but it’s about there safety and there emotional well-being too. It’s so s**t that we have to not only deal with the abuse we have suffered the break up and then everything else that comes with it. We are a strong species haha

[Chickadee]

Hi Whenwillifindhappiness.

Please beg my pardon for saying so, but it is not so much about being selfish(Detail removed by moderator).
If he is not harming them mentally,emotionally, physically, ….and the issue is that he is seeing other women, then yes he should have time with them. You should not be involved with the fact that he is dating, (Detail removed by moderator), unless you are with him. He has a right to date.
I understand your not wanting a bunch of women in and out, but as long as it’s not absurd, like a different one every weekend, it is fine for someone to search for the right one. (Detail removed by moderator). He has no right to call you names, especially if it is in front of the children, but even in general no, and calling you a s**t mum is derogatory and abusive. I strongly do not believe in child support. There are so many abusive men today that only procreate for control over a woman and to obtain money so that they can self serve themselves, and live off of the other person while living like a king. It just fuels their intent, manipulation, con, fraud. I have long taken a stance that it should not exist except in terms of a very dire child medical need.
And that is for either party. I also believe it interferes with the parent’s ability who pays it to have quality of life, do things with their children, or even travel to/from their children.

I read your second post as well. He should be giving you an address unless he has received threats from you. That would occlude it.

Without a legal arrangement in place he could just keep the kids and not return them. I’m not sure how involved your abuse issues are, based on what you have stated here. I did note you mentioned emotional abuse. Please read what I wrote below as well, it may help you more. As I based my response to you solely on what you wrote.

Hi Itwillbeokay.

Your circumstance is dealing with much more blatent abuser aspects. Your receiving threats. And he is obviously concocting stuff. Stating that you kidnapped them is a favorite abuser rant. You can not legally kidnap your own child.

With no court order, you are not under any legal obligation. But, neither is he. Your concern about him using the children to hurt you and just deciding to keep them is well founded. Abusers do that. Mine did, (Detail removed by moderator). And yes, without one in place you would then have to go to court in order to get anything done. What that person left out was that you would probably then be filing and having custody heard. Yes, with a court order and no return the police can intervene to the point of return to the household of whoevers time it is to have them.

I think mediation and an arrangement order is a good idea. Abusers don’t like it, unless it is to their benefit, it’s all about them having control. (What the solictor is trying to tell you in not so many words…..is that if he has them, he doesn’t have to return them, it gives him leverage for getting them).

Your risking him getting custody before you actually have an agreement in place. Possession is 9/10 of the law.

In your circumstance, I would not send them until an arrangement is in place. And if those threats are involving harm to you, or involving threatning you about the kids. Keep them handy and make copies.

Chickadee

[itwillbeokay]

Thanks so much Chickadee. I’ve posted my own thread as an update. Gaahhhh this is so hard xx

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