Guilt tripping, overthinking, self-doubt…

[Finding-me-again]

I have just (detail removed by moderator) had the final straw in my relationship, the ultimate eye opener that I have fell in love with a n********t who is only capable of loving himself. I was brave enough to end it and I’m so proud of myself for doing so. However the guilt tripping is well and truly underway. He says this was my decision, after everything I have done I am now leaving him, when he was gonna tell me that he actually wanted to be with me and work things out. (detail removed by moderator) Following telling me this I had paragraphs sent to me, missed calls as I was sleeping, and then no contact. I feel he is trying to hold on to that last bit of power he has, when really not caring about me at all. Why can’t he just get this over with let me grieve and heal? Why do I keep overthinking every little aspect? Getting upset over how amazing the good times were, wondering if I am the problem, if I took him for granted, if I should have worked better to keep him happy and keep him mine, can’t leave the house or face my family as I am so ashamed that I allowed this to happen, so ashamed that I cannot seem to meet someone who’s intentions are to treat me right. I really thought he was the one and now I’m left picking up the pieces and trying to put myself back together whilst he is doing whatever he wants yet still holding me down with something that wouldn’t take long for him to do… any advice or words of wisdom? I would really appreciate it 🙂 x

[Texas]

Hi,

Firstly, welcome.  You have come to the right place, and we are here to help if we can.

First of all, by leaving, you chose to put yourself and your wellbeing first.  Well done, a big step.  I know how scary that can be.  You now need to go no contact to allow yourself time to heal.  Block him on all channels.

You are in the early days of healing, so my first bit of advice for you is to be kind to yourself.  Make sure you are looking after you with healthy meals and enough sleep etc.  You are probably beyond exhausted, so this will help.

Keep talking to others, whether it is a friend, posting on here, or getting counselling.  You need to tell your truth and feel heard.  I don’t think your family will judge you.  I am sure they will want to help and support you.  Maybe tell just one family member first?

Feel your feelings. Don’t squash them down.  Allow them to come.  Cry if you need to.  Punch or scream into a cushion.  This will help you to heal emotionally.

The hardest part for me was the trauma bond.  At first I found it really hard to separate my memories of the good person and the nasty person.  Keep a journal – write down all the nasty things that he did.  Not only will this get them out of your head, but it will also serve as a reminder of the horrible things he has done, which will, over time, break the trauma bond.

I mentioned in another post the Bloom program.  It really is excellent.

Also do some things for you.  Nice bath.  Little projects like decorating a room.  These will help you stop ruminating and give you a sense of achievement.

I am sure there are lots of other ideas others on the forum can give you. The trick is finding a formula that works for you.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to stop blaming yourself.  None of this is your fault.  No one deserves to be treated this way.  You did not make him do anything. He chose to do these things.

Big hugs

[Finding-me-again]

Hi Texas,

Thank you so much for your kind words and for opening up also. I have managed to open up a bit  to family and close friends since posting on here and they have all shown me support and ensured me I have done the right thing. I can’t stop thinking about all the good times and the things he did and said that made me feel good but I know for a fact I wouldn’t have left if the good outweighed the bad. There is so much to the story as is the same with everyone, I’m glad I came onto this forum and glad to know how much support there actually is out there. I will definitely try keeping a journal as I used to do this and fell away from it, but I will try the things you have mentioned, again it is much appreciated.

Big hugs to you too

[Bluebirds]

Well done for leaving! I’m in the same boat with a recent last straw and up and left. I had the exact same as you… calls messages declaring his love then being nasty then playing victim. I’ve had it all… truly exhausting. It’s helped me by opening up to a few people although I still haven’t fully but accepting what I’ve been through and acknowledging I’ve been in an abusive relationship. It hits home but so needed. So so exhausted. Hope this feeling will end…

I’ve seen a few comments about the bloom programme so I’ll be trying that. Sending strength and love… you got this!

[Karisqq]

Well done for leaving, you should be proud, since this is a hard step. Even he’s abusive and treated you badly before, it’s normal to feel sad and grieve about the relationship when you leave, since that means you have put effort into it and tried your best. Sometimes things just do not work, despite our effort. Acceptance can be powerful here. Accept that you’re going to grieve, accept that you feel sad, accept that this has happened, and now you’re coping in your own way… Things will pass, including these awful feelings and this nasty period. Be patient with the process, and be kind to yourself. Perhaps do something you like, and surround ppl who care, I find these two particularly helpful.

[Camel]

The bottom line is, you were unhappy, you gave him every chance to be different but he only promised to make those changes once you actually left. That’s simply not good enough. It’s all just word soup. You did the right thing and don’t really need anyone to back up your decision. Nevertheless we all do back you up xx

[Author]

Posts