Had a bad Sunday

[Biscuitsandbikes]

I feel a bit silly posting, as last time the responses were ‘yes, it’s abuse’. However, writing it down helped last time.

But I’m sat crying again.

Yesterday I felt a bit low. I remembered some good times from the past. Made me question myself (again).

Anyway, the question was asked (detail removed by moderator) ‘why do you feel sad’ & I explained about my confusion about what has been said to me over the years and the good times. Then there came the ‘(detail removed by moderator)’, the thing is, I can’t. I can’t understand why someone who claimed to love me would say / do those things. I could go on but the long and the short of it is:

HIs expectations of me where to be both a perfect housewife, social events coordinator, fun and ready for anything in the bedroom. He has been disappointed for years that I’ve not lived up to that. He conceded that he may be wrong in having those expectations. Apparently, I ‘used to be fun’, but wouldn’t take on board that constant critiscm and obvious disappointment impacts your self esteem which doesn’t deliver a happy ‘fun’ person. Me being upset about it is unfair on him – he’s not that bad. Why do I always want to make him feel bad about himself (the irony). He didn’t complain every day… so what is my problem. There was lots of swearing and stomping of feet and telling me it was ‘b*ll***t’. He couldn’t understand why I don’t want to have sex with him.

Yes, it sounds terrible, but some of you on here have it so much worse than me. I feel like a fraud.

My arms feel heavy today. Like I’m 100 years old.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there, good to see you posting. Don’t ever feel silly for posting on here. It’s a wonderful outlet for your thoughts and to just get it out into an open and safe space.

It’s so difficult remembering the good times, but I’ve come to realise we only had the good times so they can keep us. If you think back, you probably had a lot of great times i nthe beginning and then it seemed to be less and less? I’ve learned they can follow such patterns precisely to keep us hoping for those good times.

What you are describing reminds me of a comment from Desperate Housewives. I don’t know why that came into my head, but it did. A mother in law said that a wife should be a chef in the kitchen and a wh*re in the bedroom or something like that. No one is that perfect. No one can live up to that. And I promise you, even if you had lived up to those demands, he would have found new demands and new demands and new demands. You are enough. You are more than just good enough. You are fun, maybe because his sense of humour revolves around fun in the bedroom, it doesn’t mean that’s true for the rest of us and says more about him than it does you. So easy to call us boring, lacking humour, dull, you name it if we have a different opinion to theirs, isn’t it. Reality is though that he is the one that is not good enough for you because he abuses you with these put-downs. You are not a fraud, abusers might see everything as a competition but survivors of abuse do not. You’ve been hurt – it doesn’t matter how many or how few times, even once is too much.

I’m sorry if my response is not as comforting as I would like it to be, I’m really struggling with a lot of anger at the moment, but I don’t want you to feel I aim at you, so please forgive me if it comes across liek that.

[fizzylem]

There’s no such thing as a silly post on here!

You sound like you have gathered your thoughts well, have a good undertsanding re what has happened in the dynamic between the two of you and why you feel the way you do. This is great! This is your truth.

I got this too, he just couldnt undertsand why I didnt feel like sex anymore – why I withdrew – it was me being cold and rejecting – cruel. I can see now I did this to survive. He also expected me to never be ill or vulnerable, this was weakness, I learnt that he would never give me what I needed in these instances, comfort, care, compassion, take some of the load, in fact, he only used my vulnerable feelings against me – as weopons to further try and take me down, to insult me with. I can see now this was because i was no use to him when I felt this way, I wasn’t working for him. He didn’t want the part where he is there for me, only the part of me being there for him, he wanted me to be all that I can be – all of the time – for him.

So glad I kicked him to the kerb now and I’m free of his BS. I’ve never felt so better. You can do this too x

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thank you for the replies, means a lot that you’ve taken the time to do so.

Things were up and down yesterday. I went to bed early. I took the morning off work today and had a good cry.

I still stupidly hold onto hope.

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Fizzylem- can I ask you what happened when you were sick/ vulnerable?

I found if I got upset, the compassion would me minimal. Like he had no idea what to do. I remember getting upset because of something at work. I was really hurt. He did comfort me, but then quickly decided I should be over it, which actually made it feel even worse.

I’m not sure what I feel about him anymore. That adds to my guilt but also my confusion. If I don’t feel anything, why can’t I move on?

[fizzylem]

Hey B, he can only think about him hey. I noticed that all his waking thoughts were about himself, every conversation started with I – bored me to death in the end. He has no emotional maturity, which meant he reacted to his emotions all of the time, google a lack of emotional intelligence’ and see if you can spot him – bet you will. So, he may be able to pin point that this is one of those moments where I am supposed to offer comfort, but yes, like you’ve noticed, it doesn’t last, because he feels ‘but I want her to do this or that for me now, be ok for me, I dont want this, I dont have the time. He cant help but react to his feelings, which means sympathy over, now back to me. They struggle with empathy a great deal. Do you not find that you have little space in the relationship to think and do what you like? As your relationship is more about him and what he wants? There’s hardly any space for you is there.

When I felt vulnerable, say if I said the day before, I’m wondering if I offended this woman, I might be wrong but it seems like she’s been avoiding me since x happened. I could guarantee that he would use it against me at some point, so he would likely say something like, of course she’s avoiding you, you always manage to offend people, thought you’d have got that by now – you know, use it against me to take me down. Eventually I saw it for what it was and didn’t tell him anything anymore – I know now he was an unreliable witness!

I also learnt about how he projects how he feels and what he is onto me, everything he shouts at you is really a confession, the person he is, he is describing himself, this is the person you are dealing with. Test it out and see for yourself if you havent already, I used to get your sick, twisted, controlling, mental etc etc – he is all of these things, this is not me at all, but I guess before I picked up on this when he said you’re mental, and if I was feeling low and vulnerable, then this would have affirmed my thinking, I am, even though it wasn’t true at all. Our heads get that battered about with the abuse we struggle to know what is real and what is not. Whatever you do, don’t trust anything he says about you! x

[Doris]

Hi, sounds just like my husband – did they go to the same school? My H is trying to be ever so nice but every so often the ‘snarls’ start when he talks to me like Mr. Hyde almost as though he is testing the water. Yes, how can someone who professes to love their partner talk to them so badly and disrespectfully? I do not get that either.

And you are not a fraud. My husband has never raised a hand against me, it is all emotional manipulation. I am finding that the more I find out about his ‘personas’ the more empowered I become. Apart from shouting at me what will he do? He is just a big bully but that does not mean we must accept DA just because emotional damage is seen as somehow less abusive than physical. What utter tosh. It messes with your head and physical health so you need to take care of yourself.

I no longer bail him out with other people he argues with. I am not his social manager and I am not responsible for his happiness. I do not prepare dinner if I do not feel like it. I refuse sex which I find quite repulsive at the moment ie. sex to keep the peace is not an act of mutual love and respect. I have savings that he is unaware of and attend a group that believes my version of our relationship. Although he constantly surprises me with different manipulation tactics usually associated with guilt – I know what he is up to and try not to take the bait. I say out loud – ‘I do not feel guilty’ and ignore his pitiful expressions and snidey comments. These are a few empowering home truths that come with the knowledge of DA.

So perhaps find a local group associated with WA that will support you. They will not regard you as a fraud.
I have also found that mindfulness helps. Sounds daft but the moment will pass although it feels like the world has caved in when you are constantly criticised, accused, belittled etc.
Take heart – you’re definitely worth it. X*X

[Getmylifeback]

@biscuitsandbikes… i can relate to exactly how you feel. It honestly sounds like ive written it! Plus the responses from other members also sound like they are talking about him.

Try to keep your chin up and know youre not in the wrong.

I keep doubtinv myself but for the first time ever ive properly had enough of this s**t. I dont know if you have kids, i have which is very much complicating things so i need ti know exactly where i stand legally before i take the next steps.

Hugs x

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thank you again for your replies.

Fizzylem-yes he does have little emotional intelligence, something he knows has held him back at work. As for having space in the relationship, we’ll that’s a difficult one. When we started a family, I naturally gave up some of the time spent on hobbies, I was happy to. When time came to pick that back up, I couldn’t although the reason was not in relation to anything he did. Then I went back to work… And well, children and work leads to a busy life.

I am starting to notice that I place a great deal of value in what others tell me about myself. He says I have issues… And I have been depressed. Now I’m wondering whether the depression was to do with his expectations all along. His favourite was that I am so needy. I feel quite self sufficient on a practical level, but emotionally perhaps I am.

My body aches like I’ve been punched everywhere. I wish I had in some ways.

[fizzylem]

Ahh yes the ‘you’re too needy’, we ‘all of us’ get told this. What he’s saying here is dont come to me isn’t he, you have learnt that if you need emotional support not to ask him. He’s saying you are weak for being this way, this is him hiding what he’s doing by turning it back onto you, making it your fault.

SO NOT TRUE. It is natural and normal for all of us to need some emotional support in life, when we have a bad day, when things upset us or are difficult. We are all of us vulnerable and some days we feel this.

I imagine what you are noticing is that he is not there for you, that something is missing in the relationship, that you yearn for closeness, togetherness, for him to pick up the load sometimes, for him to understand?

But instead of seeing it is his behaviour and him trying to avoid real intimacy with you (the truth of things), he blames you, because you are a personally responsible person, you assume the position ok its me so this is down to me to fix. Not true. Of course you want all these things in your relationship with him, this is natural, but instead he has turned it onto you and is trying to make you belive you are wrong for wanting these very normal things.

Quite simply, he doesnt want to deal with his own s**t, so he certainly doesnt want to deal with yours x

[fizzylem]

I hear where you’re coming from with being a working mum, but you are also a woman with needs that need meeting, social needs, health and well being needs, it’s tough yes when you are caring for others, but in an equal partnership you are aware that each of you have these needs and you support one another, take turns with the childcare, so that each of you can do the things in life that keep us sane, exercise, seeing friends, relaxing, doing things we like to do.

If you find all you are doing is going to work and looking after everyone else then neither you nor him are taking care of you hey; you have no personal space, and your head space is often filled with him and the relationship difficulties – do you get time to recouperate? Recharge? If this is the case, you could crash and burn, we simply cant carry on this way, we can for a while but unless we take care of the self by giving ourselves what we need – always – we get burnout.

It simply doesnt work to neglect the self in favour of doing for our kids – you need to be firing on all cylinders for this type of work! No one family members needs are more important than the next, we all have needs that need to be met; if you become ill you are unable to help your children; if you are content and taking care of your wellbeing, they will feel the benefit of this and also learn how to be this way themselves x

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Apologies for taking a few days to reply. Thank you fizzylem for sharing your experiences. They ring very true.

I had a quiet couple of days. Yesterday evening the comments and huffing started again. It helps to post on here… Stops me from forgetting.

Long weekend ahead. Not especially looking forward to it.

[Author]

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