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Having left a few weeks ago with my little baby, I’m still really struggling. Even more so now that my ex is dictating everything. Says I can’t go to my own house (joint mortgage) or he’ll call the police (he has no right as I checked with 101), and he’s given me all sorts of abuse today, I’ve ended up agreeing to not getting my things for another couple weeks and agreeing that he can come and see my baby on the day he wants when he turned down what I suggested.
I already feel like even though I’m not living with him anymore, he’s still controllling everything. -
Yes he will control everything if you let him. You need support maybe from women’s aid to take back control. You can go to your own home and collect your belongings and ask for a police officer to go with you. Explain he is abusive and ask for their protection or get someone else to go and collect your things, You are no longer with him and every chance he gets he will use it to abuse you. Zero contact is the only way forward. Save yourself lots of pain and start now. Is there a third party you can use for contact? Regarding access. You are the primary carer and it’s upto you what access he has. You’re offering him access and he’s messing you around. Have you had legal advice? It will be worth talking to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice or you can ring Rights for Women. Block him and let him sort out access. Whatever you want he will want the opposite so don’t waste your time and energy.
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I had that too when I first left. It’s weird to be controlled by someone you don’t live with anymore. No contact is the only way to get on top of this.
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He’s raging because you’ve stood up to him. Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do to reason with these men or arrive at a mutually agreeable decision. They will continue to abuse in any way possible.
He can’t stop you retrieving your belongings but obviously you risk him kicking off. You could ask for a third party to assist if it’s safe or ask for the police to intervene.
Get your stuff as quickly as you can or he might get rid.
As for contact, do you think he’s safe? Is he likely to cause problems? You can seek legal advice before making any contact arrangements. He doesn’t get to dictate.
Don’t give into him or let him bully you into arrangements that you don’t feel comfortable with.
My ex husband caused so many issues with contact and he used pick ups and drop offs to verbally abuse me. He’d call me to and rant down the phone. I had to have a family member intervene.
Keep your boundaries firm. Even at times when he might seem reasonable or he’s being nice. -
He will control you through the baby IG for sure. Start as you mean to go on. A baby will not miss his father so there is plenty of time to sort contact out yet. There are things you need to find out before making any decisions – have you called the helpline to discuss a contact arrangement and how this might look? I mean do you even want him collecting the baby?
Make this about you and your needs now – the time you need to placate him is over. You are the primary carer, so it has to work for you as well as him but until he opposes you in court you have the final say for now if this is needed.
I would be inclined to do nothing yet, maybe let him know via a third party that the sceduled time needs to be posptoned for now but the baby is fine and you’ll be in touch when you have decided how best to proceed with things.
You’re not in the best place to make decisons atm, really sounds like you need a bit of time to me and to gather information on a number of things x -
Thankyou everyone.
I’ve not had any contact with him today (I usually send him photos of baby everyday). I’m regretting agreeing to meeting him this weekend with baby.
I’m not sure what to do. I won’t be letting him take baby on his own at all because I can’t trust that he’ll be safe and I’m also still breastfeeding. But I’m also daunted and scared of all the legal stuff as I know I’ll probably end up having to go down that route eventually. I always feel so anxious and sort of freeze when any one asks me to ‘explain his behaviour’ and stuff. He’s done so much verbally and emotionally to me but I hate having to talk about and feel as if I have to prove myself, and I start to doubt myself. -
Hi please don’t let him have your baby on his own. You are as you says still breastfeeding, all it takes is fir him to deliberately stay away 1,2 hours over the agreed return time fir nature to take its course. Your milk comes in, and baby gets really fretful because you’re not their to feed and comfort them. Under no circumstances Express your milk to help him out. As fizzy says, the baby doesn’t need him, doesn’t need this time to bond, you are the primary carer, you’ve already taken control of the relationship by leaving him. You’ve already started looking out for your child’s best interests, you should be really proud of yourself.
You don’t have to prove or explain yourself to anyone. The brain closes off what happens to us in traumatic situations, that’s why we find it so hard to explain what has happened even literally minutes afterwards. You’ve left him, he doesn’t get to call the shots anymore. As to your belongings, let the police know he’s refusing you entry into the house to pick up your things, explain that he’s abusive. They can accompany you or get a third party to go with you. He cannot stop you as you’ve correctly found out. Stay strong.im over 6months away from my oh, I see the change in me now, I am not losing me again. Have you spoke to anyone at WA yet. I’ve used my local one, they have access to lawyers who are versed in DA send I got my first hour free. The advice I received was just what I needed to hear. I wasn’t ready to do anything about it at that time but I’m getting ready to now. You can do this, have faith in yourself sweetheart. Your hormones will be all over the place still after having your baby, if you don’t know what to do sometimes it’s best to do nothing at all. The longer you are away from his abusive behaviour the stronger you’ll be and the clearer you’ll start to see what’s going on. Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
Just say it’s a little hard to talk about so if you don’t mind can we talk about something else. It’s rude of people to ask really.
You don’t ever need to feel you have to justify yourself. This is one step in the recovery for most of us. Decide you’re not going to do it. It only leaves you feeling rubbish. Take one out of the Queens book here, never explain never complain, talk to only those who get it like the women on here and the profs supporting you x
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Don’t meet him at the weekend, you’ve said you don’t feel comfortable. Either get legal advice or speak to WA before doing anything else. Meeting at the weekend is unlikely to go well. Men like this use contact as a means to continue their abuse. The minute he started abusing you was when he gave up the opportunity for you to be in a position to facilitate contact. Please don’t feel it is your duty to promote contact. If it’s not safe, then it’s not safe. That includes the risk of him emotionally and verbally abusing you. Telling him there needs to be time to work out a suitable contact plan. You’re not doing anything wrong by saying plans been to be properly arranged and though through.
Write down all of the abuse. Keep a journal if you don’t already.
As for the legal route try not to worry. As long as any decisions you make are within the best interests of your baby you’re doing the right thing. To put yourself in a position with this man, even in a public place, which at the very least is causing you stress on the lead up to it is not good for you or your baby. He’s done this. You’ve done nothing wrong. You don’t even need to pay for a solicitor if you don’t want to. I represented myself when my ex husband dragged me through court. He made himself look like a complete idiot and people saw through him. X
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