Had enough now!!!

[PuDdleJam]

No matter what I say or do it’s not good enough.
I’ve posted before on one of these posts and got some great advice but now I feel completely trapped and isolated.

The partner has found out that I wanted to leave him and now it feels like he doesn’t trust me in the slightest. I can’t go anywhere without him being with me at all so can’t even go to one of these safe places to make phone calls or even go to the local shop.
I’ve now got my friend to fill out a new housing application for me and they have control over a new email address which it’s set up especially for that reason.

He says his mental health is shattered because he’s been hurt so many times before but I am the worst that’s caused it. Even though I am not up to anything or hiding anything from him, he still calls me names, tries to say things to my child who is autistic about not wanting them to turn out like me cos apparently I lie all the time.

(detail removed by Moderator)

I feel I can’t talk to anyone at all about it all because he calls me an attention seeker and that I should consider his feelings.

[Wants To Help]

This is awful for you, this is extreme controlling behaviour if you cannot go anywhere without him. One way I can suggest for you is to try and book a smear test at your GP surgery, or something gynaecological, just as an excuse to see a GP alone, because even if he took you to the surgery then he would not be allowed in the consultation room for this to take place. You would then be able to confide in your GP whilst you are alone and they could help you access some services, or call the Police for you if it came to that. They could arrest him for C&C Behaviour if you literally cannot go anywhere without him being present.

Do you drive? Do you have a friend who could create an ’emergency’ that you may be able to go to without him? So for instance, a friend could call you and say their parent has been taken in to hospital, could you pop over and watch her kids for a few hours. Would he insist on going to something like that with you? Or a friend saying she has sprained her foot and could you drive her to A&E for an X-Ray as she can’t drive? Think outside the box, try and be creative. If there really is nothing else then the GP visit for the gynaecological reasons may have to be your only way.

[Camel]

Hi Pudlejam

I do hope you’re OK. Please post again if you can. Don’t feel guilty about seeking out support.

I posted a reply earlier about how abusers are quick to claim they are more emotionally scarred and feel things more deeply than the person they abuse daily. It’s just another weapon in their armoury. It’s the exact opposite of a couple going ‘I love you more’, ‘No, I love you more.’ And equally as pointless. How can you truly measure such things? And why should you want to?

You know you have spent too long considering his feelings, don’t you? Try and find the help you need to get out of this situation safely. Good luck x

[PuDdleJam]

(detail removed by Moderator) his mother and sister came over and when he was out the room I explained everything that’s gone on to them and then he overhear and kicked off telling them they need to stop taking my side and because I burst into tears, he accused me of using crocodile tears over it all.

He thinks everything is ok now but I still want to get him to leave and have no contact with me at all but it’s so hard when I know he’s just making things difficult.

I just wish he would turn to me and tell
Me he is leaving me without me having to do it myself and then I know nothing can be used against me.

[Beautifulday]

hi there!
It sounds like your having a terrible time lovely.
All I can say is think about you and your feelings not his, they will always play the woe is me card. I know its easier said than done as I struggle myself and I’m stuck in a very toxic situation.
X

[PuDdleJam]

So we went to my mothers (detail removed by moderator) and due to a certain person who clearly didn’t want to be there, we went home the day after (detail removed by moderator) which my mum thought was very rude. Within half an hour of getting up, the car was packed and we were heading home. It made me very upset as I haven’t spent (detail removed by moderator) with my mum in such a long time and after having sly digs about my friend who I saw on my own last time I was there, I felt very uncomfortable.

Now my mum wants me and my kids down to spend time with her soon but not the certain person but I know he will have something to say about it all and become extremely paranoid as usual.

 

[Eggshells]

Is he working or is he at home? I’m trying understand your situation and what opportunities you might have.

Even with a non abusive partner, that sort of behaviour would be absolutely suffocating.

[PuDdleJam]

He doesn’t work at all so we are under each other’s feet 24/7

[Eggshells]

You’re caught between a rock and a hard place. Whatever you do, he is going to moan because he believes that he should be your prime concern.

Are you able to talk to your mum under the radar and explain what’s happening? Maybe text or email that you can delete once it’s sent?

Have you spoken to Women’s Aid about a safe exit plan? This is their bread and butter. You could tell your OH that you are going for a smear or something so that you can make the call. With COVID rules, he can’t insist on going with you to the Dr.

[PuDdleJam]

My mum knows everything and we are doing secret messages as and when a certain person is out the room like now. Unfortunately she can’t do much as she lives a fair distance from me and the kids but is helping me with an emergency escape fund.

It’s difficult to do what you said regarding making calls when at GP for smear etc as he waits for me constantly. I am never on
my own at all and I always have to leave phone at home

[PuDdleJam]

Even though I’ve had a calm few days, my mental health is seriously suffering as I keep wondering when the next Jekyll attack is coming.

I hate having to pretend all is normal for now and just want to escape

[Lisa]

Hi PuDdleJam,

I wanted to see how you are since posting? Let us know how you are doing when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[PuDdleJam]

Currently not coping. Was accused of cheating on him again and he says he knows how people’s minds work all because I didn’t show him much attention for a couple of days baring in mind I always do.

Just feel like he’s trying to also play the kids off against me and has said nasty things about my mother like she’s easy etc which I haven’t told her about as she would go mental.

All I want to do is speak to friends or anyone without being called vunruble which apparently I am and now I am starting to also believe that I am some of the names he calls me like stupid, thick and worthless.

I really just want to be able to speak to a professional without him being around but he is like a hawk and I really can’t go anywhere or do anything without him asking questions or anything

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi PuDdleJam
Of course this situation is exhausting, you’ve got no oxygen left for yourself. Keep breathing though, I mean it literally, take deep breaths.
The Chemist Boots has Safe Spaces for you to make your call, if you could go there even if it is together, ask the staff for something feminine than when you get few seconds alone, ask her for a Safe Space call.

Very good that you’ve opened up to your mother and that she’s supportive of you, that’s such good news, I am very happy for you. Perhaps she can contact WA and ask for advice what she else she can do? Build a support network around you, you know 🙂
Keep on going, step by step you’ll get there.
Wishing you strength and perseverance and hugs & keep posting 💪💕🌸

[PuDdleJam]

It’s now got to the point that I’m being criticised on everything I do down from doing the washing apparently the wrong way to even making the bed.

I’m sick of it and he wonders why I get so upset and emotional.

If he snaps at me, I have to take it but if I open my mouth and snap back then I’m the one in the wrong. I don’t call him names like how he calls me and my confidence has been shot to hell so much so I now am starting to believe what he calls me is true 😔

[Lisa]

Hi PuDdleJam,

I am sorry to hear how things are for you, you must be exhausted from his constant abuse. Would our online Live Chat be safe for you to use? It is a confidential service with a Women’s Aid worker available weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends. They won’t tell you what to do, but they can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Please do keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[PuDdleJam]

Unfortunately due to him constantly being around, I cannot contact via the web chat. Only time he is not around me is when he is on the loo or getting changed. Otherwise he is around me all the time.

He has even told me he has lost all interest in his favourite activities that he used to enjoy like bike (detail removed by moderator) all because he doesn’t trust me at all.

I feel suffocated and can’t even put the washing away without him thinking I’m on a secret phone or something

[Lisa]

Hi PuDdleJam

Thanks for replying, it sounds like a really difficult situation. Your partner is very controlling and it is unfair of him to  blame you and to say he doesn’t trust you.

I am sorry to hear that it is not safe for you to use the webchat as he is always with you, maybe you could get an appointment with your GP to get some support, or there are some shops that can give you a safe space to talk such as Morrisons, Boots and Superdrug.

Please keep posting, we are all here for you.

Lisa

[Author]

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