Had option to leave, stayed but definitely want to leave.. How?!

[lostinlove2020]

Hi there,

Things came to a massive head with my partner to the point of needing my mum and step mum to do an intervention with him and I went to live with mum for a week.
I mentally thought I would break up with him but when I saw him a week later, I couldn’t do it. He promised to change and took full responsibility for everything and it seemed hopeful.
We had a lovely time for a couple of days and then I’ve been waking up stressed and anxious and with this feeling that I can’t describe, that it’s not right. Overall, he’s been lovely and I know I have made it a little hard for him to be good because I think I am still so angry so if I can be a bit sassy then I have been.
Ultimately, little things are going back to how they were and I know that I just need out now.
We were making a go of it and I feel bad for trying to do that and I do believe he was sorry but I just can’t get over it all now, its too much and I don’t think he can change how I need him to.

What are the best methods for leaving?
Do you just tell them you’re going and go? (my mum would pick me up)
Would it best to have my mum present?
We live with siblings of his in our purchased house, would it be best for them to be around?
Or do I do it secretly? I believe he is going out tomorrow, I could arrange to leave then. Do you leave a note? Do you need to explain?

Thank you in advance!

[KIP.]

Don’t tell him you’re leaving. Do it when it’s safe to do so. You know how things went the last time and it will just repeat. It’s the most dangerous time when you’re leaving an abusive relationship so you must do it in secret. That feeling you have is your gut telling you nothing has changed. Google the cycle of abuse. Round and round it goes. Abusive behaviour, then loving bombing us, then the anxiety builds up in us as we sense that abuse coming again. That anxiety stage is where you’re at. Leave and go total zero contact. Use a third party for contact if there are legal issues etc. Listen to your gut and get out safely and don’t trust any of his family x get safe then regroup x

[KIP.]

Try to contact your local women’s aid. There’s a chat line on here and there’s also the national domestic abuse helpline too x stay safe. The number of domestic murders has doubled since lockdown so please be careful x

[Iwantmeback]

I agree, sometimes we have to go back to see if it can work, after a few days you’re seeing things reverting to type. Make arrangements with your mum and leave. Leave a note if it makes you feel better, but you know in your heart you tried. Even if I wanted to go back I know I can’t. Why, because I’d be waiting for the remarks,I’d be still reacting to him even if he wasn’t being nasty. Abuse attaches to our psyche,we have to retrain ourselves not to react to certain situations. It’d constantly be accusations of you not giving him a chance, or shooting him down in flames. Do you want to live a life where you’re having to reprimand him on his behaviour, become his parent? That’s why I know I can’t go back even if I wanted to. And all the promises in the world can’t make you think any differently.
Stay safe and good luck
💞💞

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