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Just hit a wall. Been telling myself all day how lucky I am to have such wonderful children. To have a job where I do good. To have a roof over our heads. To have their love and give them it back. Kept strong all week while kids have been around and now I’ve just crashed. Haven’t felt this low in a long while. Went for a sports therapy massage to help with my back and shoulder pain and since then, the girl going on about how much tension I have, me feeling guilty because I was doing something for me, money spent on me and not kids, I came out with my shoulder a bit better but biting back tears. It’s like it’s all just built up in a big wave. The hurt I feel about my mother and ex husband colluding and using my children is just overwhelming right now. I feel consumed by it. I’ve been telling myself if I put in boundaries I knew there would be consequences but it’s just overwhelming sadness. I’d just started to feel better, came off the antidepressants few weeks ago, got through that and now I just feel like I’m being swallowed again. My house is a tip but I’m too tired and sore to do anything about it. Which makes me anxious and panicky. Haven’t slept well last few nights and struggling to eat again, waiting to see what their next move will be and how it will affect my kids. I love my job but finding it too much just now, not coping and that’s not an option in my work. I can hear children and families outside enjoying the nice weather and all I can think of is what’s wrong with me that I’m alone and desperately unhappy on this day? Why is it my feelings don’t count? My mother sent me a message (removed by moderator) telling me that my venom was affecting her health and could I please stop sending her nasty messages. I haven’t, I asked her to stop talking about me to the children, respectfully and to let me know when she wanted to see them. Asked her if she could please think about the children and let their feelings come first. It’s total projection but now I can’t cope. I can’t stop the tears. I feel so ashamed. X
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Hi Escaped Not Free,
I’m sending you massive hugs.
Firstly, take a deep breath. Do not let any of this venom affect how you feel about yourself. Remember that even though many abusers might have a ‘mask of sanity’ about them, appear convincing and even calm ( making us feel like the unhinged ones), they are the ones with the problem.
They don’t see where they end and others begin; they have no understanding of boundaries; they are jealous of people who are good and try to unravel them; they project their horrible jealousy and unhappiness and anger on innocent people, all the while pretending that they are innocent and denying their own issues.
My own mother was very unkind to me when I was at my very lowest, suffering badly with PTSD. At one point, because I disagreed with her about something, she threatened to contact my ex about it ( though I had a non-mol out on him). My mother can be fine very often, but has these nasty moods. It saddens me when I hear people saying how they are so close to their mums: though I am happy for them, I wish I could say that my mother isn’t an emotional threat to me. It’s painful, isn’t it? My mother’s behaviour is very cyclical.
I think it’s dreadful that your mother is colliding with your ex. That is the lowest of the low. Whatever your differences, a mother is meant to make their child’s life easier- not more difficult, and to put their own needs secondary.
Unfortunately there are parents who don’t put the needs of their children first. Other people are there to attend to their needs. And if being horrible makes them feel better, they will do it without a conscience.
You are nothing like that. You are nothing like your mother, or your ex, and for that you should be proud. Celebrate the fact that you are capable of being kind, that you have a soft and gentle heart in a world that contains so much harshness. Your children will always be able to tell people what a good and kind woman their mother was, I am sure. Carry on being you. Take one day at a time. Never internalise or own an abuser’s warped judgements. I try to imagine a protective bubble around me: what they say can’t affect me.
Can you minimise the opportunity your mother had to contact you? It seems that any contact with her is really toxic.
I read a quote the other day which said ‘We are worthy of our time here.’ I keep telling myself that. I refuse to let my abusers’ direct the trajectory of my life, and to affect me all of my life. I deserve happiness and peace, and I will fight to protect that right, and that of my children’s.
My mother slipped in some very cunning insults today, disguised as advice. I can sense when she is getting into bully mode. It is a dreadful thing to have to experience things like we do, but we must believe that we are in fact stronger than they. Bullies are weak: we have no need to bully, therefore we are stronger in ourselves. And your pure love for your children will win the day. I am sure you will continue to be a massive, positive presence and influence in their lives, just by remaining as yourself.
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Hi, hope youre feeling a little better. I read an interesting article about how abusers rewrite history to suit their needs. This really confused me for ages. Its important to remind yourself that you know the truth and dont be bullied or manipulated to think otherwise x maybe take some time off work or take a step back and try to work hours round the school timetable at least until the kids are older. That way you dont need to involve your abusers in your life x
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`ladies thank you for your kindness. I think it’s just the realisation of what I always suspected was her true nature, that it wasn’t really about “protecting” me or concern, it’s about control and feeling superior. I’ve been reading a bit about n**********c mothers and it’s staggering how my mother fits the bill. It would appear it’s alright to abuse me by any means as long as it’s to get what she wants, which is just to hurt me. It’s beyond messed up. I spoke to my father for the first time in a few years, we lost touch, he lives out of the country and came over to see my grandmother who has dementia, take her out for lunch. When I got his voicemail I thought it was my mother or sister who put him on to me. It wasn’t but by the time I realised that I’d sent him a message filling him in on everything that’s gone on in my life last couple years. Him and his wife met me, took me for lunch and were lovely. He was very careful not to say anything about my mother but looked at me and said, “I know, know exactly the behaviour you are describing, you are not imagining it”. Told me to take a break from her and follow my own life for a while. I felt so sad. He’s always thought I blamed him for having an affair and betraying my mother as my mother has always told him. What I could never get my head around was how he left me to deal with her. Knowing how she was. I’ve learned from a very young age to bury and hide all feelings as my mother found any feelings in anyone other than herself abhorrent. When I found myself alone today it was like the floodgates just opened and they haven’t really stopped. My father always felt guilty so just accepted that he was wrong and felt he didn’t have a right to expect anything. Payed excessive child support….of which I never saw any benefit, not a single item of clothing was bought for me past the age of (detail removed by Moderator) when I got my first Saturday job, even toiletries and sanitary wear I had to provide myself. I was the eldest so wasn’t part of visitation or anything, I was just told I wouldn’t want to go see him and that was that. My mother still talks about my fathers venom and temper which always puzzled me, because I knew he would react but it was my mother I was scared of, to the point of total disabling terror when she was in full swing. My life has been spent avoiding that terror, dancing on point on a tightrope to manage it. I would gladly go completely no contact but I feel I need to look out for my daughter in particular. For my children’s sake I can’t cut her out, she won’t tolerate that, I need to try and manage her. I’m trying to get her to see the children through me, so they are there a limited time and get to come home at night. I think my mother will actually fade out on this, it’ll be too inconvenient for her. But at the moment she is causing pain so her life is revolving around her “devotion” as a grandmother. She hasn’t seen them in months prior to this!?!? Otherwise their father leaves them there overnight. I can’t believe that nobody cares that my daughter is upset and doesn’t want to go, nobody can help me stop him doing that. I’m going to speak to work and reduce my hours. I’ve already changed shift pattern to (detail removed by Moderator) hours which meant I should only be at work (detail removed by Moderator) days and therefore if they were at their fathers (detail removed by Moderator) days id manage with friends on the other. He keeps refusing to take them though, says his days off are for him to get his “me time” not to “help me”. I’m beyond demented with the mentality. Neither of them give a toss about the children. I can’t change job because he doesn’t support them financially. I just need a rest. I need to feel some peace. Thank you ladies for listening and for your support. Just struggling right now. X
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Serenity. Sending you hugs also. I can totally relate to bullying mode and seeing it coming, the veiled insults presented as concerned advice. It’s sad. So sad and unnecessary. I remember always thinking growing up, if I could just find a way to make her happy. But that will never happen because she fills her life with superficial nonsense instead of looking inward to why none of it makes her feel better. The obsession with material things and money, and value on anyone she percieved to have money. It occurred to me yesterday that when my children go on the have children I will be there to support THEM on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, take them for a well earned lunch, help their children pick out a nice gift on mothers and Father’s Day. Not once has my mother done this for me, for her grandchildren. It’s always in every way always about only her. I found out today that she actually contacted my eldest to ask if he would come and see HER for Mother’s Day. Sums it up. he just found it funny….thank the lord that’s his attitude. Just read an article on grandparents who groom their grandchildren. She does all the things listed. Gets them to keep secrets, whispers in their ear about me while I’m talking to them, right in front of me, buys them things then expects allegiance in return, makes them feel guilty if they don’t want to listen to her ranting about me. My younger son got his report card, it was excellent apart from one subject where the marks were dreadful as were the comments. I found this strange and asked him what was going on in that class? Turns out he didn’t like the subject so hadn’t been doing homework when asked. I told him it was a great report card but homework needs to be done wether you like it or not, said I’d like to keep an eye on future in what work he was doing in that subject. He said ok. As I walked out of the room my mother, whispered in his ear, told him to “ignore her, nothing wrong with your report” and put £20 note in his pocket. He smiled at her, and she indicated he wasn’t to let me know, looked over at me and they were both surprised I was still standing there, he looked crestfallen and my mother just turned round and said, well I think he’s doing well. I hadn’t said he wasn’t doing well, quite the opposite, was actually concerned he was having a problem with his teacher in this subject as it was such a glaringly different report to the others. My mother nanaged to completely turn this around to something else, made him feel I was thinking things I wasn’t and put herself in the place of rescuer. She did this diet of thing with the boys constantly. My daughter in the other hand gets told she is selfish and full of herself if she is proud of work. Like I did. X
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Thank you cuppa. I’m glad you are feeling better. Ups and downs I guess. I’ll get a bit of fight in me again. I always do. I can’t see it just now but I know I always do. I’m praying that the mediation meeting will just get to the facts and cut through all his bs. If he complies. He hates letting the mask slip so hopefully he’ll feel the need to at least appear reasonable. Thank you. You are going great by the way! Don’t think you are doing anything else. You should be really proud of yourself for picking up, dusting off and putting one foot in front of other. Xxxx
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Just an observation but it seems to me that many of us on here have had more than one narcissitic person in our lives. I’ve had to reevaluate so many of my relationships. Like you my mother has never done anything to help me. I am expected to do for her but it is never reciprocated. Found out she’s spent Mother’s Day with my brother but hadn’t bothered to call in and see her other grand children on the way home. She rarely sees us and has turned down invitations from me waiting for something better to turn up. She too supports my ex by letting him stay in her (detail removed by Moderator). He does odd jobs for her and other maintainence work.
Other family members think I have distanced myself from them but it’s not the case, my sister and mother actively made sure I wasn’t aware of family get togethers. Over the years I have heard of what others do with their Mums sharing times supporting each other. Listening advising etc. I can honestly say I never had any of that unless it was to suit my mother. My father described her as being hard as nails and sadly he was right. She would deliberately set me up to look bad on my fathers eyes. I was so naive at the time I didn’t realise that what she was doing was abuse. My sister became the golden child and she would spend her Christmas’s with her and ignore me and mine. If we were lucky we’d be invited over to my brothers on Boxing Day for a couple of hours. I realise that like many n*********s she doesn’t think of me as existing outside of when I actually there in front of her. So sadly I understand only too well how your ex and mother have colluded. You are right your mother should be supporting you not trying to undermine you. Mine does it by pretending I don’t exist. (detail removed by Moderator) Sometimes she asks me questions which at the time baffle me, like should i go to prize day you know c is getting a prize. Why on earth would a grown woman ask me whether she should go and support her grandchildren? Is she trying to say she doesn’t know. She shows no interest nor does she talk with any pride about her family. Like my ex she seems to see anyone who is any kind of a demand on her precious time as a chore. I now limit any time spent with her to the bare minimum which is exactly what she has done to me. She used to pretend her phone was on the blink to get out of having any kind of a conversation. Max time once a week is 10 mins. I dread it. When I am around her I feel like it’s a death of a thousand cuts. She is remote talks only of herself and never asks about me or what I’m doing. She had a series of bad falls recently and after the last the worst I did my duty and went to see her. She hugged me hard in fact it hurt and asked if I knew she loved me! I was stunned as she never ever hugs or shows any kind of physical affection. I just looked at her. I need not have worried though this declaration was empty. She hurried me away and when I later offered her to help with getting errands she very firmly said no, even though my brother couldn’t go that week. This all sounds pretty mild but I realise now she just couldn’t give me any love as s child as she had none to give. That’s my ex all over he had the nerve to tell me when our son was ill that he loved me but he couldn’t forgive me for getting the police to put him out of the house. He had conveniently forgotten that he got my sister to call the police to my house because I had assaulted him. A pack of lies on top of more. He had people enter the house to manipulate the environment to make me think I was losing it. He organised a burglary at our home to cover the fact he’d stolen from me. How did I find out I realised I knew one of the detectives who showed me where the thieves had entered only the glass was in the wrong side. Oh yes my mother set me up for a loveless abusive relationship just like the one I grew up with. I remember seeing the film Mummy dearest and feeling sick. It was my story too. The kinds of hell those two people have put me through is just ridiculous. But even worse is the kind of claptrap that comes out of some people’s mouths like you allow people to treat you the way they did. Yeah right it was my fault my mother best me with a wooden shoe because a put my sanitary pad in the wrong place, it’s my fault my husband locked me out of the house on freezing night. It’s my fault he scared me half to death and tried to have me forcibly sectioned. These people are evil and are expert at hiding it because if everyone saw what they were really like they’d run and never stop. I never asked for any of it and certainly never have gave my husband permission to treat me that way he just did and he’ll do it to his girlfriend until she either kicks him out or loses her mind. That’s what they do know must know outside of their immediate family what monsters they truly are. Yet they can be charming ancient chsrisstoc when they chose. Psychopaths I presume not overt but covert to the point that some never ever put two and two together. I suppose I’m lucky I’ve seen the truth. -
Just an observation but it seems to me that many of us on here have had more than one narcissitic person in our lives. I’ve had to reevaluate so many of my relationships. Like you my mother has never done anything to help me. I am expected to do for her but it is never reciprocated. Found out she’s spent Mother’s Day with my brother but hadn’t bothered to call in and see her other grand children on the way home. She rarely sees us and has turned down invitations from me waiting for something better to turn up. She too supports my ex by letting him stay in her (detail removed by Moderator). He does odd jobs for her and other maintainence work.
Other family members think I have distanced myself from them but it’s not the case, my sister and mother actively made sure I wasn’t aware of family get togethers. Over the years I have heard of what others do with their Mums sharing times supporting each other. Listening advising etc. I can honestly say I never had any of that unless it was to suit my mother. My father described her as being hard as nails and sadly he was right. She would deliberately set me up to look bad on my fathers eyes. I was so naive at the time I didn’t realise that what she was doing was abuse. My sister became the golden child and she would spend her Christmas’s with her and ignore me and mine. If we were lucky we’d be invited over to my brothers on Boxing Day for a couple of hours. I realise that like many n*********s she doesn’t think of me as existing outside of when I actually there in front of her. So sadly I understand only too well how your ex and mother have colluded. You are right your mother should be supporting you not trying to undermine you. Mine does it by pretending I don’t exist. (detail removed by Moderator) Sometimes she asks me questions which at the time baffle me, like should i go to prize day you know c is getting a prize. Why on earth would a grown woman ask me whether she should go and support her grandchildren? Is she trying to say she doesn’t know. She shows no interest nor does she talk with any pride about her family. Like my ex she seems to see anyone who is any kind of a demand on her precious time as a chore. I now limit any time spent with her to the bare minimum which is exactly what she has done to me. She used to pretend her phone was on the blink to get out of having any kind of a conversation. Max time once a week is 10 mins. I dread it. When I am around her I feel like it’s a death of a thousand cuts. She is remote talks only of herself and never asks about me or what I’m doing. She had a series of bad falls recently and after the last the worst I did my duty and went to see her. She hugged me hard in fact it hurt and asked if I knew she loved me! I was stunned as she never ever hugs or shows any kind of physical affection. I just looked at her. I need not have worried though this declaration was empty. She hurried me away and when I later offered her to help with getting errands she very firmly said no, even though my brother couldn’t go that week. This all sounds pretty mild but I realise now she just couldn’t give me any love as s child as she had none to give. That’s my ex all over he had the nerve to tell me when our son was ill that he loved me but he couldn’t forgive me for getting the police to put him out of the house. He had conveniently forgotten that he got my sister to call the police to my house because I had assaulted him. A pack of lies on top of more. He had people enter the house to manipulate the environment to make me think I was losing it. He organised a burglary at our home to cover the fact he’d stolen from me. How did I find out I realised I knew one of the detectives who showed me where the thieves had entered only the glass was in the wrong side. Oh yes my mother set me up for a loveless abusive relationship just like the one I grew up with. I remember seeing the film Mummy dearest and feeling sick. It was my story too. The kinds of hell those two people have put me through is just ridiculous. But even worse is the kind of claptrap that comes out of some people’s mouths like people treat you how you allow them to treat you!
Yeah right it was my fault my mother beat me with a wooden shoe so hard I couldn’t sit because i put my sanitary pad in the wrong place, it’s my fault my husband locked me out of the house on a freezing night. It’s my fault he scared me half to death and tried to have me forcibly sectioned. These people are evil and are expert at hiding it because if everyone saw what they were really like they’d run and never stop. I never asked for any of it and certainly never have gave my husband permission to treat me that way he did he just did and he’ll do it to his girlfriend until she either kicks him out or loses her mind. That’s what they do noone must know outside of their immediate family what monsters they truly are. Yet they can be charming
almost loving when they chose. Psychopaths I presume not overt but covert to the point that some of their victims never ever put two and two together. I suppose I’m lucky I’ve seen the truth. You may not believe it but at least you’ve seen behind the mask. You know now I hope that you are very definitely not the crazy one. Good luck. -
My mother and my ex collude with each other too (probably to make out I am the problem to my children and other family members) and to upset me.
I have had to go No Contact with both of them. But my ex has my mother over for Sunday dinner when he has the children. When this first happened like you I was gutted but I had a good rant to my friends, they agreed it was the lowest of low, but I knew it was essential that I didn’t let either of them know it hurt/upset me as much as it did. Then they would have upped the ante and continued this tactic. Win/win for them as now they knew how to upset me and they were managing to make out I was the problem to my children as they could get on, and I was the one not engaging with them.
(detail removed by Moderator)Christmas I too was upset because due to contact arrangements I didn’t have my children on Christmas eve or day but I had them Boxing day. When I saw my children on Christmas day for the hour, my eldest adult-child informed me they were invited and were going to my abuser-mum’s for boxing day. I pretended no reaction and thought well they’ll be home in the evening. Then who arrives at the house to drive them down to my mums but my ex. So my ex, my mum, my brother and my children all had dinner together on boxing day (after my ex had had the children for Christmas eve and day) and I was alone again.
Its very confusing for my older children. My ex’s family all support him and blame me. They swoon and rally round him. And my own mother and my brother regularly have dinner with my ex, together with my children. Anyone looking on would think I must be the problem as all other family members are the best of pals and wining and dining together!
Thank God for this Forum as without it I’d believe my 2 abusers and 2 family systems that I was the problem.
After the boxing day get-to-gether of my abuser-mum and the abuser-ex, I made sure they didn’t know how much it upset me or got to me because I didn’t want them to repeat it regularly. I did as you have done and posted on here for support and that helped me. And your post has helped me because I hadn’t heard of collusion between mother and abuser before but I’m sure there are many like us.
Hope my experience helps a little.
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Ladies thank you for your words. It’s stomach churning to hear the stories of this being done to others. It does seem to be a pattern of behaviour that we are trained to tolerate from childhood that goes on into our choice of partners. It’s the most horrific injustice when you try to move on from that treatment, the people you should be able to rely on treat you in such a way. The thing I find bazar is that when I was doing everything my mother told me, and compliant and not setting boundaries with her she would talk incessantly about my exes and how useless and bad and selfish they were, how I had to make a stand, walk away, that they were evil bad people etc and how the kids shouldn’t have anything to do with him. But now because I’ve asked HER to respect boundaries she’s colluding. As soon as I said to her please don’t talk to me like that, within minutes I was turned round as responsible for their behaviour, which apparently wasn’t that bad. It’s staggering. I’m just really struggling to process that my own mother, whilst telling me I’m all the things SHE is being and doing can behave in such a manner. X
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I think its the betrayal and then the realisation that these people are one and the same personality type.
Both my mother and husband have all the traits red flags associated with covert n********m. Mean with money(as teenagers my mother only bought us clothes when the we absolutely needed them I felt too embarrassed to ask for new bras etc) Birthday presents rarely came and Christmas I don’t ever think I got what I asked for and I know I didn’t ask for a lot. My ex is exactly the same he gives our kids his brothers cast offs and buys them army gear because its so cheap. If I get them something nice he covets it. Recently it was a leather jacket and guess what he bought one exactly the same for himself. Go figure -
Escaped Not Free,
I read once that abusers try to appear to be your knight in shining armour/ side with you sometimes against other abusers, to fool you into thinking that they have got your back/ to get you to look past their own abusive behaviours.
My ex would do this a few times in the earlier part of our marriage especially.
As the abuse escalated, however, he became devil’s advocate. He would deliberately not support me in tricky situations, and even appear to purposely side with the person causing me distress, I think in order to make me feel even more alone. As time went on, his mental cruelty increased.
My mum berates my ex, yet she displays some of the same behaviours. I wonder if the fact she beretes my ex is because she feels protective towards me- or whether she is angry with him because he ended up treating her dustespectfully. Without my knowing, they apparently had quite a vendetta against one another, which involved texts going to and fro ( whilst I was married to him; and neither of them told me).
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Oh ladies. You have all been through so much. I feel bad for letting this affect me so much. It seems so petty. But yes, it’s the betrayal. Just found an email she sent me this morning. She’s told me she has had to block MY number from her phone, because I(?!?!) have continued to harass her with my “diatribe”. I have sent three messages this year, one was when she excluded me from her “family celebration” for MY sons birthday. I set out clearly and without malice or contempt, with a great deal of understanding that she must have had problems, the behaviours I was subjected to growing up, tried to explain as part of looking after myself and feeling better for the future I would ask her that these behaviours stop. I encouraged her to let me know when she wanted to see kids and I would facilitate this as long as she didn’t talk badly about me around them or to them. I asked if she had concerns about my parenting that she direct them to me and not the children. She ignored everything I said. Went ahead with her “family celebration” I had to MAKE my children attend. She’s shown no interest in them since and I have had no need to contact her. Then she goes behind my back to have them while they are supposed to be with their father, my daughter was told by her father that she was to lie about it t me, that it was my fault as I was nasty and wouldn’t let her go. I contacted her at this point and asked for this to stop. I clearly set out my concerns, in a businesslike manner re my children being told to lie to their mother and their wishes not being considered. Encouraged her again to contact me if she wanted to see the children for any evening as long as they were able to sleep at home. This apparently constitutes venom, nastiness, harassment, I’m causing her physical and mental health problems and she feels unable to see her grandchildren whom she loves as if she attempts to arrange something she is subjected to diatribe!?!?! Then tells me she will continue to contact the children on their own phones and tell them how much she loves them and how hey are welcome to visit!?!?! But she won’t arrange a visit with me because I am so intolerable to her?!?!? They’ve had their phones for years! She’s never contacted them, ignored when they contact her. I’m beyond blown away by this. The staggering projection and manipulative abuse is just crippling me. It’s like she has poked the bear repeatedly hoping for a reaction then when she didn’t get one, she’s just pretended she has so she can pretend she’s in a situation where she can’t see her grandchildren because of me. She then goes on to tell me how she is being caught in the crossfire of my adult dramas along with my poor children. I’m just sick, utterly sick. What do I do? Do I defend myself? Is there any point? Do I let her contact my children to tell them more lies? Is blocking her from their phones bad and selfish or protective? I just think telling them she loves them and wishes she could see them whilst refusing to arrange anything with me because it means complying with basic boundaries is surely wrong and confusing for them!?! I honestly don’t know anymore. I don’t know wether to be relieved or scared. This is why I have NEVER in my life stood up to her. I need to go to work and I’m struggling again yo function. Any advice greatly appreciated. I’m not trusting my own perspective just now. It’s psychological torture. X*x
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Lover of no contact.
I have to message you even briefly ..to say you have totally inspired me!
Even your name..& how you say what you say with conviction.
Trust me if you & I lived near each other? You would not be alone waiting for the ex’s ..don’t you ever think your alone regardless…of their negligence.
The way I looked at it…he had a ‘ nice’ family…( totally ignorant/deliberately to their family member being an absolute hideous manipulative abuser/victim) they bathe themselves in their own self serving existence. Nobodies doing nothing but patting themselves on the back. Hideous…I know who I/you/we would rather be…certainly not them.They are quite categorically a waste of time.
C x -
New Wings.your post is soul destroying to read the abhorrent treatment of your Mother…yet your
Able to see it all clearly and sound like your still able to move ahead regardlessly their crazyness.
Now you don’t need either of them &/ or their messed up ideas.Your rowing your own boat!paying your own way buying what you want Living your life..no you didn’t ask for that, who would, a nightmare
When I’ve been in the middle of stuff like that, it’s clear whose sh+T it is and it certainly was not mine! I felt I’d had enough of other people’s rubbish..Let them deal with themselves their dysfunction is theirs to keep!
..Thank G your out of that horror.
C x -
Thanks cuppa, we are never alone when we have this Forum for support and to get our frustrations, loneliness, hurt, anger, fear , guilt, confusion out in a safe place.
How I chose my name ‘lover of No contact’ was before Forums like this one, I thought one could never go No Contact with anyone as it would be the height of meaness. I (I have strong religious beliefs) thought you had to keep forgiving whatever behaviours were thrown at you. I never even knew there was an option of going No Contact. before this Forum I found Hidden Hurt and there I was advised to go No Contact as needed with abusive people, or minimum contact and now I can see that Grey Rock can be good for abusive work-colleagues/family members that one cannot totally avoid interacting with.
I was so relieved when I read the No Contact rules and being told that No Contact is not being mean or hurtful to the abusive person. Actually its love…tough love. Letting my mum and ex hurt me is not good for them or foe me. Letting them have contact with me to hurt me emotionally is enabling abusive behaviour.
So learning about No Contact and learning it was essential to use this strategy when dealing with ‘crazy’ was like winning the lotto for me.
I LOVE NO CONTACT. It saved me from losing my mind.
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Ladies you are sounding very strong and inspiring. Frustrated with myself that I’m not feeling it myself. I just feel back in time. I just hoped she would reflect and I’d mean enough to her to want to put it right. Like I would with my children. That’s not who she is though.,I’m struggling to feel confidence in myself again. After a period of doing much better it’s suddenly gotten too hard again. X
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