Hair loss and stress

[Cantmakedecisons]

I haven’t been on here for a while. I left and I’m renting and I’ve started divorce proceedings. However he just won’t stop! For the last few days I’ve been hiding away from home in a hotel room just to feel safe. The stress is getting to me and I’ve started to pull my hair out!!!! It’s got quite bad and I’m seriously worried that I might end up bald. I’m trying not to even touch my hair but I’m even doing it in my sleep..

It doesn’t make sense that I’ve left to stop him hurting me yet I continue to hurt myself!?

[Watersprite]

Hello – sorry to hear things are so difficult. It will take time to get further on but it does get better. If he is harassing you log it with police. You can get a non molestation order from NCDV they are amazing. Gather support around you – do you have any safe family and friends you could confide in ? Maybe start with your GP and women’s aid. This is a stress and trauma response it is really common but you deserve support. Keep posting – we are all here for you. Remember how brave you are – you left! Stand tall in your bravery and do just one nice thing for yourself today x*x

[Cantmakedecisons]

Thanks for the advice. I haven’t done a non molestation order simply because it will enrage him even more. My IDVA has suggested it in the past but I’m so worried he’ll kick off. I still haven’t managed to talk to any of my friends or family about it, all they know is I’ve left, they have no idea what I’m dealing with. His made it very clear what will happen if I speak out. So as a lot of other people are writing here his playing the victim telling everyone I’ve left.

[KIP.]

Talk to your GP. For me I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s when you escape abuse and your brain now feels safe enough and has time to process the danger. So all the suppressed trauma comes out. The stress was as bad as the abuse for me and I’m sure thats why so many women return but just hang in there and ride through the storm with the support of your GP and counselling. Having him completely out of your life and feeling safe is how you will heal quicker. Eventually I had to involve the police and my ex was arrested and bail conditions put in place which gave me time to recover.

[Cantmakedecisons]

Thanks KIP I have spoken to my GP she’s sympathetic but there’s not a lot they can do medically. She says just carry on with counselling and hopefully things will improve.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel…
This really makes me sad to read that what you have gone through is now causing you to physically pull your hair out. The ladies above are right, this is a common reaction of stress and trauma and their advice is great.
I would recommend you give yourself some full on TLC. If you can read or listen to Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life. It will really help with some self love and self care.
Maybe try and focus in on the feeling you get when you are about to pull your hair ( I know you cant do this when you are sleeping ) but certainly when you are awake, try and notice what triggers it and where that feeling is coming from and sit with it for a while. Also, and I know this may sound a bit silly but start to love your hair, even if it’s not looking how you want it to right now, love what is there, be thankful for it and respect it, let yourself know that you are beautiful inside and out and that you are there to take care of yourself.
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

Thanks Darcy. I’ll try and think about those triggers. I do know that when I’m actually pulling it out it’s a good feeling? But what’s looking back at me in the mirror isn’t a good feeling it’s shame.

[ISOPeace]

From what I’ve read, trauma is complex. Your hair pulling is undoubtedly a coping strategy, but I’ve heard different explanations of self harm e.g. for some people it actually does feel good, for some people feeling pain is better than feeling numb after shutting down in response to the abuse, for some it’s a way of staying busy and being distracted from feelings.

It sounds like you need some extra support, from others (although I realise that’s not an easy option for you at the moment) and from yourself. Finding ways to be kind to yourself can be really powerful. Darcy has given some great advice on it. It’s reminding me that I need to do it more. You might find new ways to look after yourself that you haven’t tried before like yoga, meditation, dance, singing, journaling. I guess we’ve all spent so long focussing on the demands of our abuser and knowing him inside out to try to keep things calm that we don’t know ourselves any more. Now is the time to get to know ourselves and be our own best friend. Sending love xxxx

[Cantmakedecisons]

Thanks. I’m not sure it’s self harm (in the true sense) but it is definitely a coping strategy.. and one I need to stop ASAP.

[ISOPeace]

Sorry Cantmakedecisions, you are right, it’s not the same as self harm. I thought I’d read somewhere that they’re related, but I think it’s actually more comparable to nail biting.

Try not to be too hard on yourself in trying to stop. You’re doing it to try to protect yourself in some way so although it’s not a helpful strategy, treating yourself harshly will just make the scared part of you feel like you need more protection. xxxx

[Darcy]

I understand what you are saying about when you pull your hair that it feels good, I guess its similar to drinking, drug taking or binge eating or any other addition that makes you feel good…however, that the feeling short lived.
So what is the feeling afterwards, is it shame or fear or some other negative emotion … each time just try and dig a bit dipper into the feeling. Not easy I know, but we have to feel to heal and acknowledge and give the hurt a voice to.
Remember its a journey not an destination, so be kind and loving to yourself and I am sure you will work through this. Also give yourself credit for how far you have already come on your journey… you’ve got this beautiful
D xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

Yeah I drink too (embarrassing) it’s an initial feeling of relief from both and then quickly turns to shame but always fear

[Darcy]

My darling don’t be embarrassed we all have our demons.
Have you read Russell Brands book Recovery or watched any of his stuff online?
He’s very inspiring and gives good tips on giving up additions from alcohol to using your phone to much, however extreme this maybe. He also looks at why we do this.
We all have our control mechanisms but once we start to understand them a little more we can begin to face them and work through them.
Sending you continued love and support
D xx

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