Haircut

[Tiffany]

I resolved that I would cut off my hair, which I grew out for my fiance and the wedding. I feel like it will be freeing. Only now I don’t know if it’s a good idea and I am anxious. I don’t want to bottle it tomorrow and get something tame done.

[KIP.]

Hey Tiffany. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. If you’re not ready tomorrow it’s ok to get something tame and you will know when you’re ready to get it cut short. Don’t put extra pressure on yourself just now when you’re still vulnerable. Block him out of your head and your thinking. He is irrelevant. Ask yourself what kind of hair cut would you like? You could even get a colour. Foils. It’s entirely your choice to make and nobody to answer to. Sit back and enjoy 😃

[Tiffany]

It’s kind of my last chance to get it done at a posh salon before I move back to my parents place. And I really do want to. I got my hair cut short a few years ago and I loved it. And it will help my hair recover after the stress of the abuse and leaving (my hair is kind of thin now). But I always found getting my hair cut stressful. I got a couple of really awful cuts between the ages of 9-12 – worst of them was when the hairdresser cut it totally squint then told me it was my fault for holding my head squint. I have a mortal fear of holding my head squint now. I mostly have it long, but I want to start over and experiment with it and if it ends up long again it will be because I decided to have it so. And I have to admit it, I want to shock people. That the difference will be visible to how I was with him.

[Dragonfly]

Why don’t you go halfway? Like get some layers, a fringe and a couple of inches off. A different style but not drastically different to start with. Wear your hair up some days. I’m just saying this because you sound a bit unsure? Try to enjoy the experience more than possibly proving a point. I’m sure you’ll look and feel amazing whatever you decide.

[KIP.]

Don’t do anything that adds stress. The fact that you’re still mentioning your abuser tells me that you’re still vulnerable. And I’ve been where you are. Now, I can do what I want mostly without any reference to him or my abuse. I’m just saying that you still have lots of healing to do and there will come a day when your brain doesn’t reference your abuser so keep healing but know that it takes a long time to get to the stage I’m at. Your hair will grow back, your mental health is more important. I hope you can overcome the anxiety and enjoy your day 👏

[Tiffany]

I got around around 30cm taken off it. The hairdresser tried to give me something tamer (accidentally cutting it to exactly my little sisters haircut) but I made her keep cutting until it was a good two inches shorter than her first cut. It wasn’t exactly fun – I kept saying I wanted it shorter and she kept telling me to wait and see once she was finished whichever stage she was on. And then I really did want it shorter and she got annoyed that I wanted her to take more off. It took like three goes and it still is longer than I wanted. But I do feel better with it (mostly) off. I’m going to try living with it for a bit and then decide if I want it cut shorter or not.

[KIP.]

Well done. It takes a few days to get used to it and you can wash and restyle it too. Play around with your make up as well. Change your lippy 💄💋

[Tiffany]

I had to wash it straight away – the hairdresser blow dried it to look entirely like a mushroom. I’m going to have fun curling it though. My hair was way to heavy to curl before. And it grows at a rate of knots. So it will be different soon anyway. I’m interested to see if it returns to it’s standard rate of one inch a months growth now I am out of the worst of the stresses of relationship ending. I lost around 1/3 of of the volume in the last months, but what remains after cutting seems much healthier and thicker.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Tiffany,

Well done on your new hairstyle. I always hate the way they blow-dry my hair in a salon, I don’t like the mushroom or ‘mumsy look’. Yes ruffle it up with a few tong waves, a bit of product etc, put it behind the ears, lol. You can do whatever you like now he’s no longer dictating.

I feel lots of self-care is a very important part of our healing. Regular salon visits, putting on make-up (if that’s what we like), assembling outfits that we like to wear and make us feel good to wear.

I look at old photos of when I was living with my abuser and my hair is just pulled into a ponytail, I hardly had time to brush it I was so busy catering to his Lordship’s wants, needs, orders and responsibilities. Also due to him keeping all the money for his selfish needs, I was scrimping and saving every penny for the children and the home so I was reluctant to spend money on my hair, make-up, clothes for me etc.

Now I am away from my abuser I have found an inexpensive but excellent hairdresser and I try and make myself have regular haircuts. I have to fight the urge to limit it to twice a year. It really does make a difference when I spend the time and small money on my hair. I do feel better in myself.

I also spend the bit of time daily doing my make-up and that makes me feel better. I have the headspace to do that now. When living with my abuser and being traumatized, my mind and emotions were always in a mess and I was overworked so I didn’t have the time or energy to bother with make-up.

As he was keeping the money for himself (unbeknown to me, he had orchestrated it that we had debts to everyone, to stop me spending much money on the children and I and the house/garden etc) so I spent very little of the money I earned on clothes, shoes, handbags etc). Now I still have the fallout of the financial part of the abuse in that I don’t have a lot of money (he has managed to hold unto it all) but I have found an outlet that sells good quality, expensive clothes at Primark prices. Since I no longer live with the abuser I have the peace of mind to put thought into wearing a nice outfit most days.

Its impossible to self-care when living with an abuser, I found.

[Copperflame]

Hi Tiffany,

Well done you for standing your ground with your hairdresser and insisting that she cut your hair to the length you wanted. It’ll give you a bit of breathing space to decide what to do with it in future, and in the meantime focus on improving the health of your hair. Maybe you can spend some time looking at styling magazines and deciding on something you like.

The last time I went to the hairdresser I asked her to ‘blast’ it using the hairdryer with my head upside down, which is how I dry it at home. I find my hair looks more natural than when it’s blow-dried with a round brush and yet it still has volume.

As Lover of no contact says, it’s impossible to self-care when you’re living with an abuser, and the depression, anxiety and stress that results from all the abuse doesn’t exactly motivate you to look after yourself either.

I fled my abusive ex to come to refuge, and once I’d adapted to my change of surroundings, I began to focus a lot on self-care. When I first arrived the staff gave me a large box of luxury toiletries and for the first time in years I could enjoy using luxury bath/body wash/body butter etc., because for so long I’d bought ‘budget range’ toiletries from a supermarket. I had some money saved, so I bought some vitamin and omega 3 supplements, as well as some new clothes, make up and nail varnish. I hadn’t worn nail varnish or make up in years, but I started painting my nails regularly and wearing make up. I also started eating healthily and, because alcohol wasn’t allowed in the refuge, I gave up alcohol altogether and lost over 2 stone in weight!

Since leaving refuge, I’ve tried to maintain the self-care but as I’ve recently posted, I’ve been in a destructive friendship for some time, which only fairly recently I realised had become emotionally abusive and my ability to self-care has slipped because I’ve felt down and stressed.

But enough about me…well done you for breaking free of your ex. It’s not an easy journey but now you have the chance to find yourself and make your life what you want.
Copperflame xx

[Tiffany]

Lover of no contact I have been wearing SO MUCH MAKEUP. I don’t normally wear any. Never had. But I am enjoying it. I try new looks most weekends. I’ve managed to get almost an entire new wardrobe in the last few months. All secondhand and very cheap or free. I feel the need to look different. I look forward to the point where I am comfortable wearing whatever without thinking. But I am taking the opportunity to play with makeup and outfits and enjoy it. My ex liked me to look 100% naturally elegant. So I am doing all kinds of over the top stuff now. I also bought myself shoes which are comfy and I am so proud because they are chunky and inelegant and I will wear them anyway!

Copperflame I am trying so hard to look after myself in small ways. It’s going to get easier in the next few weeks. Going home to my parents for some time off. Work has been unhelpful since I got out. Isn’t it rubbish that these things all come together. But we can do the small things. I bought hair mousse and my first ever lip liner today and I have made cake. And I went to church. That’s all pretty good self care.

[KIP.]

Hey Tiffany, you mention about losing volume in your hair. One of the most distressing things for me was the hair loss that came with the stress of dealing with his threats, the police, the courts and just the trauma. I remember waking up in the morning and seeing clumps of hair on my pillow. Thankfully it has grown back just as thick but the anxiety this caused me was heartbreaking. It didn’t help that I was living off an egg a day. One thing I would always tell women in my position is to force feed yourself. I know that awful gut sick feeling and wanting to vomit at the sight of food. But I missed out on the energy I needed to fight for my safety. So eat well, drink plenty water and breathe fresh air ❤️

[Author]

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