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    • #134538
      privatelady
      Participant

      Trying to maintain contact between child and now l absent emotional and controlling towards me father.

      (detail removed by Moderator) she wasn’t really talking on the phone, she’s quite young. Sometimes they don’t have much to say.

      Ranting about self importance began. Insulting a close relative who is a close part of her life including me before he hung up on her.

      He’s hung up on her quite a lot now. Shes young and shrugs it off, she was busy playing with the camera and will probably bring up the exact words of the rant at some point. I just reiterate it’s not aimed at her.

      But surely being hung up on a dismissed like that as a little one.

      I am in the process of legal advice but it’s a long road. Legally there’s still equal parental responsibility.

    • #134615
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Privatelady

      I just wanted to show you some support. Unfortunately we often hear how perpetrators will continue the abuse through child contact. It’s not ok for him to just hang up on your daughter or to rant and talk badly about others down the phone, it’s not appropriate at all. Please keep a log of this in case it’s useful as evidence in the future.

      You are doing the right thing by getting legal advice, Rights of Women have lots of useful information on their website too which may be worth reading through; https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/.

      Take care, we are all here for you.

      Lisa

    • #134650
      privatelady
      Participant

      I’ve been trying to be a bit clever since he finally went and whenever he’s called off, been offensive on the phone and the little ones around, blamed me when he doesn’t see her (when he’s the only one that’s cancelled and its been a lot of times, conveniently some on important dates for me, which he knew) and followed up a phone call with messages (detail removed by moderator)… Is it a certain date you are coming so If I put on calender this date so little one can visually see what’s happening and when to help her.
      I’ve gone through a long list of a lot of dates and contacts and made a chart of each and every chop, change threat,all backed up with written emails, screenshots. Insults included and him confessing to him always calling me certain things.
      Ive also asked key people who help with little one to write down anything she says which may be signs she is picking up on things and being affected and date/time things when she’s repeated things or made statements alongside their responses to reassure her.
      I can’t fight for him to disappear, it would be nicer for me yes but I couldn’t be the one to say your not coming. She loves her dad and honestly historically even when my life was hell he’s Been good with her. Whether he’s wronged me or not, she has the right to be risen by me in the best way, teaching right and wrong, that things he did to me are wrong, but he loves her. But I do need a plan probably through court to stop the coercian as set it stone can’t be manipulated (only broken if that’s a game he is going to play in the future) and his games to me must not harm her. Adults worries should be adults worries, not for a child to carry, and she’s carried enough burden when she used to try and get him to stop shouting at me when he was here and was the one who was shouting for me to phone the police when he got so threatening (not physically) to shut him up.

      The legal advice is from solicitors linked to local domestic abuse support services so will hopefully fingers crossed have good knowledge as I know proving emotional abuse in court is a hell of a journey.

    • #134655
      KIP.
      Participant

      What he’s doing is child abuse and you need to protect her from this, not subject her to it. No parent who loves their child would behave in the way he is behaving. It’s upto him to facilitate contact and a good parent would already have this in place. The NSPCC have a good helpline and also there is the national domestic abuse helpline who can talk you through what he’s doing and the damage he’s causing her. She already thinks its normal behaviour for someone who is supposed to love her to disrespect her and abuse her. treat her badly, abuse her mother. Children from abusive homes are far more likely to be abused as adults and she’s already learning. Please contact your local women’s aid for support. Read When Daddy Hurts Mummy by Lundy Bancroft. Or Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

    • #134656
      KIP.
      Participant

      The mental and emotional abuse for me was so much worse and longer lasting than any physical. Don’t underestimate his behaviour x keep reaching out.

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