28th April 2020 at 5:48 pm #101999ConfusedandHurtParticipant
I’ve been out of my flat for (detail removed by moderator) now and officially ended my relationship (detail removed by moderator). However I had to see my ex (detail removed by moderator) and it is killing me. I had to leave due to abusive behaviour towards me, but I’m completely broken. Seeing him (detail removed by moderator) just made me feel like I’m empty inside. I know his behaviour was unacceptable but I just want him to hold me and tell me it will all be ok. I have not only lost the person I thought I’d live my life with and who I thought was my soul mate but I’ve lost my best friend as well.
My heart is shattered and my family and friends just don’t understand why I want to be with him. They just want me to cut ties with him, but I’m struggling as I love him so much.
I don’t want to be without him, he is everything to me.
28th April 2020 at 6:53 pm #102003KIP.Participant
Hi, do you have support from women’s aid? Loving this person will not prevent him hurting you again. It’s going to take time but you will recover from this, although I didn’t believe it when someone told me that. Look at ‘trauma bonding’. For me that was stronger than love. Going forwards zero contact is how you will heal quicker. And it’s going to take time. You have come to the right place for lots of support. You will get through this x
28th April 2020 at 8:32 pm #102015HopeLifeJoyParticipant
Welcome, yes it is difficult to break that bond, look up trauma bond, it is indeed stronger than love, as is any addiction, it is toxic strong and wrong.
I too lost my best friend in my first abuser but it was with the second abuser for some reason I was terribly trauma bonded to him, he was my compass, my north my south my everything. I didn’t take any decision without checking with him first. He was my rock.
Reading about trauma bonding, discovering what I felt for him wasn’t love was the biggest eye opener ever. I gave myself six months to detox off of him and it did work! I no longer love him, need his approval nor need to be there for him. He is empty to me. An android nothing more. A cruel one.
You can do this. You will get through this. Do mourn the lost love the lost friendship. But stay safe and do not contact him. If you feel the urge to contact him, distract yourself by going for a walk, write him an unsent letter.
Educate yourself and your social circle about trauma bonding. Once they understand what you’re going through they can show more support and sympathy.
You will be ok 💕
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