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It actually happened! I’m still in shock – I’m so proud of myself, but also feel so sad in waves.
I’ve been processing the moment I packed my bags for several days now – one of the most painful memories I’ll ever make but also One of the smartest.
After years of intermittent abuse, name calling, being threatened, criticized and blamed for everything, stonewalled, manipulated, feeling utterly unloved and ignored, watching him break parts of the house in front of me… I told him I had made up my mind and am going for good.
It was horrible. He sobbed for hours, held me close, I heard every validation and compliment from him that I had been desperate for in my partner for years. He finally admitted his complete and total fault in the way he’s treated me (for once it wasn’t justified by something I’ve done), and that there is no excuse for the abuse he put me through – that it’s all serious issues within himself that he hasn’t been strong enough to face.
Literally begging me not to go, apologizing profusely, promising absolute and immediate change and that it was high time he treated me like the amazing person I am. Talking about the beautiful life he wants to build together now that he’s come to terms with his c**p.
I almost cracked. I saw glimpses of the man I used to know and love (still love), and my heart hurt deeply (despite all the pain he had caused me) for this man in front of me hurting so bad too.
But I just kept packing and crying, mentally reminding myself over and over again that the chances of what he’s saying lasting are almost 0%, and that’s not something I’m ready to spend another year trying to figure out. No more eggshells, no more second guessing, no more utter emotional turmoil. I kept thinking – you’re almost packed! The door is right there, you’re actually doing it!!
And then I did.
I keep having flashbacks of that encounter. I know that he’s a good person struggling with serious issues – and I miss my best friend and feel awful to have seen him feeling like that. But as awful as it was, I know it was the best decision for my life now, an incredibly painful but so very important step toward taking care of myself again.
I know this plague of self-doubt and guilt will eventually end, but the freedom I’ve taken back for myself and health that comes with that will be with me always now.
Hopefully someone who needs to read this does – it feels awful at first, but you’re strong enough and more than worth it to take that step❤️
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Hiya. So glad you’re away and safe. I’d highly recommend the book Out of the FOG (FOG being Fear Obligation and Guilt). I remember being where you are now and it was the start of a period of recovery that involved Women’s Aid, Freedom Program, and lots of reading books and watching YouTube videos to understand what I’d experienced and why I felt how I did when so many friends and family seemed to expect that I’d just be back to the same old me because I’d got away. Now, some time down the line things are so, so much better but I’m grateful for this forum, continued Freedom Program sessions and what I’ve learnt from the likes of Dr Ramani and Melanie Tonia Evans.
I do hope that your ex continues with his contrition. Many times this isn’t the case though so it may be best to hope for the best but expect the worst and guard yourself well.
Wishing you lots of serenity and peace on your journey.
Take care.
GR x-
Thank you @GreyRock❤️ And congratulations for the growth and peace it seems that you’ve been able to give yourself as well. So happy for you.
I definitely now am in a similar phase I think, where I feel the need to understand what happened to me, will definitely check out your book recommendation – thank you for that!
Peace and love to you as well 🙂
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You did it well done thank you for sharing
I’m crying reading this I can feel exactly what you feel but it’s the right thing I’m sure.
I relate to the best friend but tell myself that he never really was completely as there is the dark times a best friend would never put you through.
Please stay strong, look forward not back focus on a happy safe space a new chapter with kindness self love and healing.
You are where I want to be ❤️ Keep going!
Bigs hugs and love x*x
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@chocolatebunnie thank you❤️ I was crying while writing it too, but smiling at the same time. Such a strange mix of feelings, but the right one I know.
Will continue to look forward – wishing all the best for you as well!
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Oh my God that message you have written is where I am& I feel trapped, I feel I can see the door but just can’t reach it. He’s said all the things too. Saw glimpses of who I thought he was.
He’s said he’s me, it’s in my head, go sort myself out. He loves me& fill fight for me.
Because its not physical it’s emotional & coercive I question myself.
He’s minimised so much of what he’s done. Explains around it, yet tells me I’m all wrong and I’m the one causing this.It’s a living nightmare. I can’t live like this.
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The door will be there when you’re ready ❤️
I know exactly how you feel – he did an excellent job of making me doubt who I was, what was my fault, if my feeling bad about him was justified or actually my problem.
One day I just saw straight through it so clearly, I couldn’t unsee it, and that day will come for you too.
Wish you loads of courage and self love.
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My god you have had me sobbing this morning what an incredable lady you are.
I really really hope that you continue to be strong learn and grow and that you can now rest and look after you.
Like the other have said you are where i know i will never be but wish so much I could 💜
I wish you so much love and luck and sending you a rather large hug.
Well done sweetie well done xxxx -
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That’s amazing @Goldenrose! Well done, you must feel so proud of yourself! That must have been so difficult to do, but now you’ve done, and you’re on the other side. Go and do some things that make you happy!
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I am feeling this tonight I’m so glad I found it to read. I feel completely sick I’ve left for good. He’s cried and cried and begged me not to do it but I’m repeating the things said and done in my head. I love my abuser so much it’s such a complex cycle. I’m absolutely traumatised and I can’t keep hoping for things to get better or change. I’ve done it for my children most of all. I have to be strong. It’s hard being strong. Thank you for writing this. I commend you and wish you happiness x*x
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Well done you how very very brave of you. You have had validation albeit way too late. If you haven’t already, do the Freedom Programme. Nice people do not wait until they are losing those that they love to apologise for years of abuse. Nice people do not abuse in the first place.
My husband is currently on bail having abused me for years on every level. I have never had a whisper of an apology for anything that he has done. However he has I am told seen fit to contact his ex wife (divorced from her for [detail removed by moderator] years) to apologise to her for the abuse to her! I have recently learned he tried to strangle her (police were involved).
Of course all this is to minimise his current situation, to triangulate and get her ‘on side’. He even claims he is seeing a psychologist despite my begging him to for years (and his ex wife). (Detail removed by moderator).
You are very brave and I hope that you are finally beginning to heal and rebuild your life, it’s a long arduous journey and you have made the right choice. They are only remorseful when there is something to gain by being so.
Had you not left, I’m sure it would have been a relatively short time before the abuse began again.
Keep safe and very best wishes for the future. 🤗
Xx -
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