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    • #17679
      Sugar
      Participant

      Hi everyone,

      I haven’t posted in a very long time. My partner has been abusive for as long as I can remember. It came to a head (detail removed by moderator) when he went to prison for assaulting me. He made all the promises under the sun to change and since although the psychical violence has decreased dramatically. The verbal probably once a week onslaught is just awful. He says the most disgusting things and (date removed by moderator) it just got too much. He creates rows over stupid things and then it escalates way out of proportion. He said he was going to stay at his mothers for the night and I got really upset as we really weren’t rowing over anything. I don’t feel it’s ok for him to walk out on me and our child when he created a stupid row over rubbish. Anyway, he packed an overnight bag and went to work. I spoke with his mum and she said to just ignore his non stop nasty messages and leave him to calm down. I find it so hard though he was incessant sending me all sorts a s**g a w***e and them he said he was going to sleep with someone else and I just lost it. I was ringing his phone like a mad woman and he was telling me he’d left work. I ended up driving to his work and demanding he come out. He was lying to wind me up and get a reaction. I know how he operates but I let it get the better of me. I feel like a fool and to too it off I went home and drank a bottle of wine to try and calm my rage and that just made me worse. I rang him all night. Feel like I’ve really let myself down 😢

    • #17685
      Serenity
      Participant

      Sounds like my ex, repeated abandonments and cruelty. It ended up making me into a complete nervous and physical wreck, and I am still struggling to get back to normal. Nearly two decades with this man nearly ruined me for good.

      His language towards you is appalling. It shows him for who he really is. He is showing you who he really is: believe him. You are worth so, so much more. I hope you can shake yourself free of this man. I used to frantically plead and text my ex when he walked out ( he would often walk out over very little, or create a problem and then blame us).

      It is impossible to live a happy, trauma-free life with a man who lives manipulating and punishing others , especially his intimate partner. And we don’t come out unscathed. Abuse is damaging. X

    • #17691
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Hi Sugar

      This is me. I never had any money to travel to his work but no doubt if he worked nearby, I would have confronted him.

      I have a diagnosed mental illness that makes me feel emotions more intensely and for a longer time than average people.

      His behaviour and words just amplified my illness and I felt out of control and psychotic.

      I’m not diagnosed as having psychosis but under extreme stress, I have an episode.

      At one point I was having ambulances called out once or twice a week because I was in crisis.

      Best to get them out of your life. There is no wisdom no rational thinking no emotional intelligence when dealing with them.

    • #17695
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Sugar

      I was on breaking point most of the time, he kept me on a knife edge. I was either screaming or crying most of the time. He’d stir me up and sit back and watch the drama. With him looking like the injured party.

      They are toxic, and though its hard the only way to keep your sanity is without them.

      FS xx

    • #17698
      Sugar
      Participant

      I feel so cross with myself for allowing him to control my emotions like that. I’m normally quite strong in holding it together. I’ve been off on maternity leave for (detail removed by moderator) and being without a job and salary is really getting me down. Everytime I approach talking to him about me returning to work he starts with his jealousy and controlling ways. His salary on it’s own cannot support us and the financial worries are crippling me. I think this is making me less equipped to deal with him. I’ve spoken to him today and he’s calling me crazy, controlling and a bunny boiler! His thinking and thought process is so distorted I’m finding myself picking up his disturbing behaviour. I would never dream of behaving in that way before him. It’s like my pride, dignity and self respect is just being dragged out from underneath me. I’ve started trying to imagine life without him and on one hand it’s my worst nightmare but the other I just want to breathe and feel relaxed instead of feeling fractious and stressed all the time. Even his mum looked disappointed in me coz she told me to ignore him. Just wish I was stronger x

    • #17700
      SaharaD
      Participant

      The abuse usually becomes worse during and after pregnancy.

      I don’t know if this is you first child but combine abuse with post natal depression or disorder and hormones, it will make you doubt your sanity.

      you can leave and go in a refuge or you can leave an go into a council emergency accomodation but do not supervise his contact with the child(ren).

      because he has been violent I suggest the refuge and dont tell him where you are.

      once in there you can claim benefits.

      you might have to give up your job. if you don’t want to give it up ask for a transfer or a chance of hours. I had a change of hours and location and days so he didn’t know where I was for my volunteering job.

    • #17705
      Sugar
      Participant

      I could slap myself I feel so frustrated. Not just with him but with how low I feel in general. I feel like I’m giving up and I don’t want too. It’s almost like I’m watching myself do little if nothing to help my situation. I know I need to get back to work but I can’t seem to pluck up the courage to do so. My confidence in every area of my life is so low. I waste my days thinking about how miserable I feel and doing very little to change it. The ups and downs with him are so draining and disappointing I feel exhausted by it and my feelings of hope are diminished. 😢

    • #17719
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Maybe time to go to the GP and ask for counselling, therapy or meds or all three or a combination of the three.

      That’s how I began to make sense of the situation. Therapy made me realise that he was becoming a trigger for my episodes on top of all the normal stresses in life. He was one more stress I could have dealt without on top of being ill and worrying if I was going to be locked up on a psych ward, doing long slow frustrating therapy and looking for a job.

      If you can go to the the Freedom Programme. If you have been before go back again. I know people who have been going for 3 years trying to get out from under the grasp of their abuser.

      They usually have a free creche for the children.

    • #17724
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi

      My abuser became worse when you was expecting our second child, he’s abuse now I can look back caused me post natal depression and issues with bonding with my child.

      He didn’t want me to go to work either and tried to keep me in a bubble away from reality.

      Don’t doubt your sanity it’s him.

      FS xx

    • #17731

      No one can tell you what to do Sugar, but you can tell how similar all our situations are. As Falling Skys wrote, don’t doubt your own sanity, it is him indeed.
      You know it is not normal, his attitude is not right.
      God knows how many times I felt the way you do and how out of control I was too. I also drank, ever so rarely but I did it just to prove a point to him. It all backfired. It always does because abusers know how to project their own failings onto us.
      You have a young baby. Your baby needs to have a mum who feels happy. You clearly don’t feel happy and if you don’t do something soon, you know you will spiral into a total nightmare, especially if finances are an issue.
      Please have faith in your belief of a happier life ahead with your child(ren), let’s hope you have plenty of support from friends and family. You are going to need it. But life can get better, you and your baby deserve it.
      Forgive yourself for the lack of control, it is just you expressing your anger at the situation, your frustration and your anguish. Sometimes we just can’t take any more.
      Listen to the advice which Serenity gave a few times which is for us to be like graceful swans…and maybe try to find coping mechanisms on which you can rely. It is so hard to cope with abusive relationships…And give yourself a good tap on the back for managing when you do, because those times will make you stronger, you will have more clarity of mind. It is normal to feel the way you did but don’t feel guilty. You are human.
      I think the times when we lose control are the signs that something is seriously wrong and that we need to take action to solve a serious situation. See it as an act of salvation, self preservation and protection.

    • #17968
      godschild
      Participant

      I have many times, they provoke and push you and then blame you and as falling skys said they stand back and watch the drama they seem to get a kickout of it.
      I used to suffer very bad PMT and mine used to really get me on purpose to provke me then he would say that PMT is an excuse.
      your emotions after having a baby and living with him will be in turmoil, they just love to push and make you lose control, then they can call yoiu a n****r, they wear you down.
      Mine also became much more abusive after the birth of our second child our son, its jealousy they want to be be centre of attention.
      they play on women weaknesses as well as we can be much more emotional than them and usually whenthey push us to lose control they are o so calm as they have acheived their goal getting a reaction, dont feel bad it would take a saint to stay calm with these men, in fact i think a saint would struggle!

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