- This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by Dolly2019.
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28th September 2020 at 3:34 pm #114441LottieblueParticipant
A lot of the posts on here describe women who go on living under the same roof after telling their abuser they want out, or conversations where the abuser temporarily takes ownership of his behaviour, and so on.
I am wondering how many people have walked away from their relationship, knowing that they have been abused, but without ever squaring up to their abuser… in any way. So you haven’t intimated that you are not happy or there are any problems, and you have never told him his behaviour has to change or the marriage is in trouble.
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29th September 2020 at 7:06 am #114453KIP.Participant
I think as decent human beings we would try to communicate our distress in a relationship and would expect a caring partner to accept their behaviour is wrong, apologise and stop the behaviour that is distressing us. So I don’t think anyone in a serious relationship would simply walk away without drawing some attention to the behaviour that’s upsetting. The trouble is with abusers, no matter how many times we try to explain our feelings, or draw attention to theirs, they’re ignored and often twisted and used against us. They we get bogged down in the gaslighting and dysfunctional behaviour of an abuser who always changes the goal posts x
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29th September 2020 at 9:01 am #114454LottieblueParticipant
Thanks @KIP – I do realise that trying to explain that it’s his behaviour that’s the problem is hopeless, I just wonder if anyone has ever left a relationship without their partner realising that there’s any issue at all. A bolt from the blue. I just can’t think of anyone on here who has done that, or expressed that they have. X
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29th September 2020 at 10:09 am #114455KIP.Participant
No and I doubt anyone on here will because we’ve all been sucked into an abusers world. In a genuine relationship I believe it would be cruel to walk away without explaining to someone the reasons why. And often an abuser will do that to cause maximum hurt. Just walk out on someone hoping they will come running and pleading for an explanation when they know they hold that power. But in an abusive relationship the safest way is to go without their knowledge.
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29th September 2020 at 10:52 am #114457Dolly2019Participant
I agree with KIP. In a healthy relationship that is functional and rational, people talk openly, calmly, kindly about what might be bothering them and then (hopefully), things are resolved. I can only imagine someone upping and leaving if (a) they are too scared to rock the boat and seek refuge, or (b) they have tried in their own way to show distress and it has been roundly ignored.
Too often, we go back repeatedly imploring the abuser to recognise what they are doing, to seek a rational response or explanation, but it is like trying to ask a colourblind person to see colour. They can’t. They have empathy chips missing. They are not normal or rational. Even the most obvious and clanging signs of distress are ignored or shrugged off. I am reading a book called Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft and the common theme is selfishness and entitlement. They don’t see because all that matters is their world and their interpretation of it. It’s eye opening stuff.
Sorry I can’t offer more of an explanation.
When I repeatedly said to my ex husband “how did you think I cud stick around and not leave?” he said “I guess I just kind of knew you’d never leave me..”
My current on/off boyfriend is worse. He seems to think we are twin flames and no matter what, we will end up together. They have a blindness that rational, empathic and loving people don’t have.
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