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I feel like I’m going out my mind. I have three teenagers and the eldest is constantly taunting me. The only time I get a break is when I’m sleeping but I’m waking up with nightmares regarding the abuse I suffered so this isn’t even restful. I don’t know what to do to make it stop if I tell her she’s upsetting me she finds it funny, if I ask her to stop it gets worse, if I try and spend time with her she sabotages it by being mean and awful if I ignore her she screams and shouts and gets in my face. She uses all the phrases and sayings that he’s used over the years we were together and I just feel completely worn down by it. This evening I suggested watching a film of her choice together which she agreed to but the whole way through she was putting her feet on me and constantly putting me down. When I said she was upsetting me she started laughing at me and then saying well what you gonna do about it? Are you disappointed in me or are you gonna cry? Gonna make me stop – no you can’t coz your just fat ugly and nothing but weak. She was always so kind and caring when he was here and disgusted by his behaviour but now she’s just become him and I don’t know what to do to make it stop. I tried to get her counselling but she refused to go and would give consent for a youth worker. Has anyone else has similar and what did you do to make it stop?
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Yes, sadly some children just seem to have that nasty gene and take over where they see a void. My son sided with my abuser, his father. I think they feel it’s safer somehow. You’re telling her she’s upsetting you and she’s behaving like a typical abuser. You have another two children who know it’s wrong. Ring the NSPCC for advice. The national domestic abuse helpline may also be able to give you some advice. Is there anyone else in your life she might listen to. Your parents or siblings. What about speaking to the police domestic abuse unit to see if they will speak to her? Have you asked her why she’s behaving this way when she used to be disgusted by the behaviour? Is there any punishment for her behaviour. Not sure of her age but turning off the internet or withholding the password? If she’s home now and bored then things are going to get worse. Is there anyone she can go and stay with for a while? Do you have support? Someone who can sit with you while you confront her behaviour? I know I taught my son right from wrong and he didn’t directly witness alt of the abuse but somehow he learned the same sense of entitlement. I do believe sometimes it’s in the genes and just gets passed down. If she won’t change her behaviour then perhaps you have to change yours. It’s extremely difficult so lean on the professional x
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Yes, this can happen, happened to me because of the alienation at her father’s hand, contempt and disresepct for the mother, mother is the enemy, this is what he shows and tells her, in many different forms, makes putting in boundaries very difficult, blocks bonding and learning, disables you as her mother and helper.
The most important thing here is to recognise you need some help, cant do this alone. You need someone else now, someone she will listen to, so it will change. Family therapy if you can afford it or the NSPCC will help.
You’ve tried to uphold your boundaries here but she’s not listening is she, trampling all over them just like dad did. Likely lots she’s learnt from dad, maybe she’s harbouring some resentment for you and / or possibly for other things as well, so she maybe using you as her outlet for her anger, you know, like a kicking the dog situation, it’s not really the dog shes angry with but you get it because you are there, she’s out of control so needs to learn how to control her emotions and communicate in non violent ways, with respect at all times, especially when she’s angry.
Then there’s where she is developmentally in the mix as well, lots of kids kick against the parents to test boundaries and limitations at this age while they workout who they are, form their own identity – they can oppose most things at this age – so there could be quite a lot going for her, meaning it’s complex.
It is dreadful to deal with, it tips me over into feeling suicidal sometimes, more so a few years back but it can still have the same effect even today; we have managed to come out the other side now, it is much less nowadays and alot of the time she has more control over her emotions and thinks before she acts – was hell getting here though and even if she loses it once in a month say, emotionally inside for me it feels like I am back at square one – feel incredibly stressed and anxious, even though once its passed I can see things have improved a great deal and are still improving. Guess because it’s all the stress and traumatic feelings from the past alive again in that instant until it passes.
Feels like hell for a while, like it will sink you doesn’t it. I even felt she should go and live with her dad as times because I couldn’t cope with it and they could be abusers together – thats how it got me, feeling absoluely powerless and on the floor.
I got her some therapy, was a bit of the help we needed; family therapy would be best here really, and maybe some individual therapy as well to inject some self esteem – for the both of you – not all at once, although the family therapist may rec some individual sessions as well. In family therapy its very useful to work with what is going on in the dynamic between you both – which is where the problem is isn’t, so when you present togteher this can be seen, picked up on and worked with, where as individual therapy would work on her esteem, help her to want to be a better person, the best person she can be; its often self esteem that is grown in individual therapy for young people, so it wouldn’t address the problem directly but it would still be helpful.
I’ve been able to do a lot of work with her on labelling and understanding her emotions, how we take care of our emotional health and developing emotional intelligence, I’m a trained in this though. Sounds like atm she would not be willing to listen to you though, so trying to teach her anything wouldn’t work just now – means you need to find other people she will learn from.
Get some professional help x
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Yes, sometimes your local WA charity can offer help for children and young people, not always, depends if you are lucky they do this in your area, I know some that have accessed this, sadly it wasn’t available to me, but those that have used it have said some good things – this would be ‘one’ part of the help you need. You will need to find a number of places, people, support that ‘helps’ in a few different ways x
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Thank you both I couldn’t log in yesterday for some reason! I have managed to get in touch with Barnados who are going to offer her some support starting Monday. I have bribed her to engage in the first session and explained after this she can choose.
Things have continued to be difficult but after speaking to Barnados they have given me strategies to help. They have suggested that she is crying out for love and believe her dad may be grooming her to make her carry on the abuse where he left off which was interesting and something I hadn’t considered! Hopefully things will start to get easier and she will engage. Thank you both for your suggestions xx -
This is great news! Gosh bet this helps. Yes I had to do the same, bribed her to go the first time then said its up to her. It’s ‘alienation’, yes this is exactly what he does – v impressed they’ve picked it up already! Sometimes it can take a while to spot, no flies on them is there! Things will get better now, keep us posted if you want to – will help lots of other women on here if you felt able and wanted to, show them the way, give them hope x
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Hi it’s been a while since I posted on this but I’ve had a complete rollercoaster of a month I put in place the suggestions from Barnados which worked in the short term and there was an improvement in the relationship between us. She refused the engage with the support so we just had to find our own way. Things have been up and down and I realised that the only reason things were better is because I was trying to be someone I’m not superman. I was walking on eggshells and trying to keep the peace. I couldn’t show an opinion on anything as this would give her a reason to argue and I was trying too hard everyday to keep her happy. This week I decided to relax this a little and be more real. Things have gradually declined. This week she has been telling me to die again and doing things to push boundaries or annoy. I have ignored it and it has kept on escalating until last night there was an incident was has left me reeling. I have a dislike of wet teabags my ex used to use this against me to taunt me chasing me round putting them in my stuff etc. Last night my daughter asked my son to stuff a wet teabag in my mouth. She recorded this to send to her dad and was laughing hysterically. I know it seems silly and nothing much but has really affected me. I was shaking after it happened to which she was calling me pathetic etc. I went to bed to get away but I’ve hardly slept and been really upset by this. I phoned my mum to tell her this morning and she suggested my daughter went and stayed with her for the rest of lockdown. I explained to my daughter that she had upset me and I think she needs to stay with her nan so we can have a break. However; she’s minimalised everything she did. She’s told everyone that I’ve kicked her out and lied about what’s she’s been like. She left an hour ago in a taxi to go to my mums and I feel absolutely terrible like the worst mother alive and like I’ve given up on her when it’s a time she probably needs me the most. I doubting the decision and just want her back but in other ways recognise that we need the break from each other.
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Well done for reaching out and finding some support. Her behaviour is absolutely not your fault and you have done really well in defining your boundaries and seeking help from your family.
You haven’t given up on your daughter. Quite the opposite. You were treading on eggshells and enduring horrific abuse. You were being derided and laughed at. Your daughter’s behaviour is criminal. For the moment she has got away lightly. You need to feel safe and she took that away from you.
My ex used to encourage the children to use violence of any kind against me. It was grim. I didn’t report my daughter to the police for her behaviour, but at least by now she has spoken to a police officer because of my ex’s abuse.
Well done. You are doing the right things.
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