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My dad is emotionally abusive to the rest of my family. I’ve dated 3 men in my life and it’s never been free of abuse. The first guy I dated was generally a lovely guy but once dragged me down a staircase. He’d do stuff like that and he’d be mucking around but he’d ignore it if I asked him to stop or was in pain! The second guy I didn’t date very long, he was scary. I think he used to hit his ex. Thankfully he never hit me. The third was emotionally abusive, and I put up with a lot thinking he’s not as bad as my dad. I hope to have better standards now and not put up with s**t just because someone doesn’t steal my money or shout at me in public.
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Hi Intheteapot
Read your post and want to tell you you are not alone with this pattern. My upbringing was abusive as well as my ex and co. I know its shocking to recognise abuse in our lives but the good news is that you see this for yourself and can take positive action to make a better life without these toxic people. There are many good books around about abuse and articles online.And being on this forum will help you to feel less isolated with lots of good information about abuse patterns etc. Having knowledge with support is very empowering–gives you hope for the future.The ladies here are very understanding and know these issues inside out. I hope you have some support -perhaps from womens aid or their helpline?
Stay with us..
Jupiter-
My father was abusive and my mother very cold emotionally. They were both n**********c and I thought that I broke the cycle and married a decent guy only he ended up being very manipulative and mentally and emotionally abusive too. When I started to date again after my divorce I realized that I attracted controlling men and realize that I am too nice for my own good, lack boundaries, not assertive and when I tried to be assertive individuals would not let me be assertive and would treat me like there was something wrong with me unless I was compliant and obedient and I had to realize that my being nice is not dependant upon what I do or do not do for someone. It is sad how many controlling manipulative people there are, I am more realistic now and somewhat cynical yet I have to be wary to protect myself cuz I cannot take being with someone who likes to play mental and emotional games anymore. I am trying to work on myself and not to feel too discouraged since our daughter has been conditioned and will most likely be attracted to an abuser too. So hard to break the cycle. At least I am not alone and I appreciate the understanding from our survivors who know where I am coming from.
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look at it as a “now” positive… you should be able to spot abuse a mile away, so you can avoid it rest of your life. right? you can end the cycle. you have the power to end it because you’ve lived with it so long and you know it’s face. there is no shame in being alone if it means you are not with an abusive man. that makes you strong. and if you manage to find a man who isn’t abusive, who loves you and treats you well, then wow. you’ve done it (you can tell us all what your secret is lol)… and if you start going out with someone who seems nice at first but then turns, chuck him out x
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Your trust has been totally shattered and hurt to your core, I understand. My abuser insisted on being intimate soon after the birth of our son and he tore my stitches and really hurt me physically, mentally, and emotionally, yet the worst part was the gaslighting afterwards where he pretended that he had not done anything, insisting I was imagining things. I realize that to attract healthy individuals I need to work on having boundaries, to be assertive, and when I realize that a “friend” is not healthy and trying to manipulate me then I step back and distance myself from the person. Give yourself time to heal and to think of characteristics you would like and accept and not accept in a friend or man and stick to these boundaries and learn to protect yourself and to stay away from unhealthy individuals. I have been struggling for years and have good and bad days yet I am not in denial and see things more realistically today and you have the experience to see things as they truly are too. Take care and be kind and patient with yourself.
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Intheteapot I totally get you as I once felt the way you do but after I left my abusive ex husband I realised actually how lucky I am to have the father that I have even though he still can have a bad temper.
It’s just his way and he won’t change but I respect his honesty and how hard working he is. I also finally see that he is actually right about everthing but I always misunderstood him as he was never able to express himself correctly. He always came across angry or negative, and I hated how he always used to speak to my mum and still does sometimes.
Because of my fathers ways I grew up feeling ANGER towards him and kept telling myself and my mother that I would never marry a man like him. Well because of my ANGER and NEGATIVITY towards him I ended up marrying someone a million times worse.
Sometimes we find it easier to blame our fathers for being the way they are or our mothers for tolerating our fathers’ behaviour, but infact I was the problem.
After leaving my ex husband, no matter my dad’s ways, I now love my dad more then I ever have and I finally forgive him, for that reason I can’t ever see myself making such a big mistake again.
I do understand though that there are fathers out there that are a lot worse then a bad temper and poor conversation skills, there are fathers that are actually abusive sexually, violently and emotionally. (As my ex husband was, but not sexually) but I even forgive my ex husband, and his family, as they were also emotionally abusive towards me, and that’s the honest to Gods truth. I went through so much trauma whilst living with them for a few years, I remember telling my mum once I felt like a zombie, as though I was still alive but I had no soul. I felt dead inside as they tried to take all my confidence away from me.
However I will never hate them, in fact I feel sorry for them and I do sometimes pray for them that God helps them find their way on to the right path.
All I’m saying is no matter our situation, our problems in our lives we can only blame ourselves for. You have to find it in your heart to forgive what ever it is anyone out there has done to you, and then forgive yourself rather then beat yourself up for making the mistakes us women make, like falling for the wrong men.
I know it’s easier said then done but by HATING or feeling ANGER towards anyone we are just continuously going to draw the wrong people into our lives. It’s all about our state of mind!Ayanna they say you use up, and waste, more energy hating then you do LOVING, the person who abused you doesn’t deserve you wasting all that energy on them. Also by hating them your allowing them to still have control and power over you. No matter how much they try to hurt our bodies or feelings they can never own our souls unless you allow them to think they do.
I won’t allow my bad experience to make me think that there isn’t someone amazing out there for me or for any woman, and I’ll never give up on love but for the first time I’m actually really happy on my own as I’ve finally found piece with myself. If he comes he comes either way I’m finally happy.
Sorry to waffle on, and none of what I’ve said is to gloat it’s to help anyone out there in the same situation as I know it’s one of the hardest things to do, to let go and forgive, but we all can do it.
And there is always light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not impossible for any of us to reach the end of that tunnel and turn our lives around for ourselves. -
By the way Ayanna I know you didn’t actually say you hated anyone but it was the part about you not wanting any other man near you again. I totally understand you feeling that way, but I really believe in my heart that over time it is possible for you to change your life around for yourself and find someone truly Amazing. Even if you choose to stay on your own you can be truly happy.
There are loads of books out there about positive thinking that have helped so many people. -
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I believe it would be very dangerous to believe that there are ‘amazing men’ out there who can heal or complete us. Choosing not to have a relationship is a perfectly valid decision regardless of a person’s reasons and history. For those of us that have suffered severe abuse, particularly sexual abuse, the feelings of shame and self-hatred are deeply ingrained and difficult to move past. Getting to a place of anger and a clear sense of placing blame correctly at abusers is a real, hard-earned achievement. Feeling safe and loving the self is critical to healing and takes as long as it takes. Whilst ultimately letting go of negativity is of course best for our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being long-term, I think it’s important not to try to force or hurry this process as it can set us back so much by invalidating our truth. The truth is that abuse is wrong, full stop, and it is never the victims fault.
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Hello,
Not wanting to seem like I’m adding fuel but I think Ayanna and particularly peaceful pig have hit the nail on the head. I think love has to be shown towards ourselves by ourselves. I don’t think you need or need to want to have or be in a relationship and while I’m sure the thought of God brings some people a great deal of comfort it maybe that others find they don’t want to leave their survival and healing up to a third party anymore and in order to properly heal they take responsibility and ownership for that themselves. I personally don’t feel I need a man to feel like I’ve turned my life around. Relationships with others perhaps, be that friends or work or family but having a relationship with a man does not define me. If it adds to my life in a good way then that’s great but it is by no means the end goal. I think ladies on this site have had a hard time at some point at least loving themselves and until you can properly do that then and there’s an abundance left over that you don’t mind giving away then it’s more about dependency than choice. Some people depend on God, on having a partner, others like myself like to believe that loving someone else is not the end point, loving myself enough where I can choose wether or not I want to give away my love if it feels good and choose not to if it doesn’t and by happy with my ability to choose is my end point. Can’t speak for anyone else, just my personal feelings X*x -
Escaped not free thank you very much!!! I’m not so great at expressing myself especially when writing but that is not much different to what I was saying.
I think you all misunderstood me and once again please let me remind you I have also been through abuse so I’m not talking as an outsider.
Firstly I want to apologise Ayanna as I didn’t mean to offend you or hurt you in any way, that was not my intentions as I signed up to womensaid to help women who have been through abuse, just like I have, as I know what it feels like.
Secondly my post was more for Intheteapot as I felt her situation is more similar to mine.
Thirdly I mentioned you Ayanna and spoke about hating men as I misread your post and only re read it after I posted my post. Your post was very vague and I was only trying to help. As you have now explained that you have read and learned certain things and made yourself more clever in that field I am happy for you. I hope all over time will get better for you. As they say time is the best healer.
I’ve only left (detail removed by moderator) and although I said I was happy I still have my moments and constantly worry for my child. Yes I forgive my ex. I won’t hold negative energy towards him mainly because he doesn’t deserve it, but do I trust him with my child?? NO!!! This is why I have had to spend a fortune for court cases.
Yes I believe that there could be someone amazing out there for me as I won’t let my past experiences put me off believing that there are good people out there, however do I see myself with someone in the future?? At the moment no I don’t, simply because I want to put all my efforts into bringing up my child the best way I can. Am I happy on my own? Yes!
I just want you to understand I didn’t at any point say that you need a man to make you happy, no way! I totally don’t agree with that. As for God not all believe in God but I was always raised to believe having faith in God or loving God is just as powerful as loving yourself. So I totally agree with you escaped not free it is about loving yourself and I totally understand it takes a while to get over certain insecurities when you have been through abuse, and one thing you mustn’t be is hard on yourself. People’s wounds don’t heal over night I get that.
Before I met my ex husband I was emotionally abused by certain family members and was made to feel horrible about my self for a few years, I felt depressed and kept attracting the wrong kind of people in to my life. This is what I mean when I say that sometimes we have to blame ourselves, but not for a second do I blame myself for my ex husbands behaviour. I didn’t raise him! And I totally do not agree with his abusive ways or my family members ways who made me feel so low about myself.
The only point I was trying to make and again I will say my post was more for Intheteapot was that because I focused so much on not wanting a man like my dad, because of how he is with my mum at times, I ended up with a man just like him. Sorry, much much worse!
I still don’t like his ways at times but now I accept him more for the way he is, and I now know not to make the mistake of falling for someone like my ex again. Now I see the good in my dad and as for the bad I try to ignore it and accept that he can not be changed. It’s up to my mother to do something about it and she has chosen to stay with him and accept him for the way he is, so for that reason I shouldn’t care so much. Where as before I was more angry with him then what my mum was and in the end it did me no good.
I don’t know if you can understand where I’m coming from Intheteapot but if I’m not mistaken the title of this is ‘Hate that I fit the pattern: Abusive dad, abusive partners.’ Just sharing my experience and how I’ve come out of it.
So once again I apologise Ayanna if I have offended you, at first I misread your post, and if I have offended anyone else out there.
I actually emailed someone from Women’s aid to find out how I could help other women who have been through what I have been through, and she sent me a link for this forum so I thought this was the only way. I personally wanted to go somewhere and speak with people as opposed to writing my experiences or advice, as I feel through writing I can be more easily misunderstood.
I hope you understand me better now though. Xx
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