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I hope it’s ok if I write another post this evening, this one is more to do with my ex.
I find myself haunted by thoughts of him today, and it all just feels very sad. Whenever I think of him now I just feel sad. I wonder how I ended up in a relationship with a psychopath. Why did he have to be a psychopath? Why couldn’t he just be normal like he pretended, and want a normal relationship.
He was so strange, but at the time in the fog of abuse I was mostly able to find reasons for his strangeness. It’s funny how good we are at rationalising behaviour, because we assume people are normal and rational, not abusive psychopaths pretending to be normal, as that sounds like something out of a disturbing horror film, or something that could only happen in America, not in England, in real life, to us.
I remember how he hadn’t yet mentioned about us calling eachother boyfriend/girlfriend, and how I wondered why because all my exes (who were non-abusive or less abusive) brought it up very quickly and asked if they could call me their girlfriend. For someone who seemed super keen on me from the start it seemed strange. When I brought it up he said he just didn’t think about stuff like that. I remember us using those words and it sounding and feeling strange, and I couldn’t figure out why. Now I’m thinking it was because he didn’t use the word much because he saw me as one of his many female toys to play with, not a girlfriend to love, respect, be faithful to. And it felt strange for me to say it because I intuitively sensed all was not what it seemed.
I remember how at the beginning I kept forgetting his name which really confused me, and how my mum said there was ‘nothing to him,’ and how I struggled to think of things I really liked about him when she asked me, and now I think this is because he was an empty shell, devoid of feeling, emotion, empathy and personality which both me and my mum sensed subconsciously but at the time would never have understood the truth.
If I look at his photos now I see his strange dead eyes. I remember in the relationship thinking he always looked kind of unhappy in photos, like something about his smile was strange/off/not sincere. I just put it down to him not liking being photographed. Now it all makes sense.
I remember how I was looking forward to a summer together outside in the sunshine, I was looking forward to wearing nice summer dresses going on dates with him rather than being wrapped up in a million layers staying inside due to the cold most nights (now I realise that a non-abuser would have wanted to take me out on nice dates regardless of the season, so my idyllic summer with him was all fantasy).
I just feel like I was meant to have a boyfriend now, I wasn’t meant to be single again, as always. I joined the dating site last year and had a miserable time being ignored by the men I was interested in and messaged by ones that I wasn’t. I’m a year older and feel even more hopeless about finding a partner now.
I realise that to me he represented several of my dreams all bundled into one person, and that was why I felt so hopeful when we first met. At the time he represented my chance of having a loving partner, children and a family of my own. When I realised it was all fake it was like he had picked up my dreams in his fist and crushed them, laughing in that evil way he laughed. And now my dreams feel even further out of reach, as I struggle to mend the destruction he caused.
When I read about women talking about their lovely husbands I am so envious, and wonder how on earth and where on earth they found these men, like it’s some big party I’m never invited to. I feel hopeless about my ability to find a good man, and have a healthy relationship, I always feel so depressed in relationships even with non abusive men and I have no idea why, and still haven’t found a counsellor who can help me. People say you need to love yourself first, well I try, but it doesn’t seem to come naturally especially after years of men treating me like rubbish including my own father and brother, and my mother saying she doesn’t know how to love.
I hope my rants this evening are ok, it’s helping me to share this especially as some of my friends have become impatient with me and look at me with disappointment. They have no idea what it’s like trying to heal from one of these relationships.
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Rants are fine, better out than in! I totally felt the same today… that same feeling of all my hopes and dreams being wrapped up in him and then shattered by him. I feel envious when I hear other women talk about their lovely husbands too. Sunshine Rain Flower we will heal and we will get there, to a better life. Look after yourself xx
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I read your post with great interest and identified with much of what you said.
I really hope you will find someone someday who is kind an loving if that is what you want.My exes looked cold and strange in photos..
Please ensure you know what a loving person is like… I too have had my boundaries eroded… I ended up with another one. He seduced me because he knew I had never known physical love for many years.. proper sex to be blatant. The sex was good…it bonded me to him but that all fizzled out too and it was all abuse and shouting and swearing again…
Anyway, big hugs and love xx -
SunshineRainflower I am haunted by the memories of my ex as well… There is no say when i dont2think, maybe not even an hour… Funny thing is that my mind brings the good memories and I then have to force myself to think about the harm he did to me.
Good men exist, I am sure!!! I had many boyfriends and none of them ever hit me.
Moreover I started dating very nice guy, I am much more careful now but I can sense he is a good soul. So my dear you will find somebody who will respect to and treat you right!!!
The worst thing is that our abusers will find another victims who just us we had will love and trust them… -
Thank you lovely ladies, I wasn’t sure anyone would read or reply to this as I wondered if I’d rambled on too much, so I appreciate you taking the time to read it and reply, I’m so glad this forum is here.
It really helps to get this stuff out, because there’s only so many times you can tell your friends about it before they start making hints that you really should be getting over it by now. They mean well but it’s painful when people won’t let you just be sad if that’s how you’re feeling. Healing takes as long as it takes, no quick fixes.
The haunting thoughts seem to wash over me in waves. Often set off by small triggers. Like last night, I needed to change my bed and decided to use a duvet set that I bought on a trip with him. I’d been avoiding using it because it reminds me of him, especially as I also had a photo of him lying on it looking at his phone which I now think he was probably looking at messages from other women = extremely painful.
But, I like the duvet set and want to overwrite the memories so I’ve put it on the bed. So far I feel ok about it, not too triggered. I also have a rug I haven’t been able to put down again as when I was on the phone to him and he was sweet talking me and I was thick in the fog and denial of abuse, my eyes used to go round the design on the rug repeatedly, as if it aided his manipulation and hynpnosis of me. I call it the ‘gaslighting’ rug. It’s a beautiful new rug though so I don’t want to get rid of it, I will just wait and see if I can overwrite these memories to give it a new life.
I hope that eventually these ghosts will fade and float off to haunt elsewhere as they have less effect on me. Until then I guess I just have to watch them float by and deal with them one at a time.
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Hi,
As you know I am one of those who now has a lovely husband ! However this happened many years after fleeing to a refuge with my son and then meeting and having another child with another abusive man. Even after this second man who was charged (but not convicted due to lack of evidence of “intent”) of threats to kill there were still a couple of relationships that although not abusive were not good for me.
During my times of being single I used to have nights where I cried and would silently scream out “why me ? what have I done to deserve what I have been through ? why can I not meet someone and fall in love ?” Some evenings I could feel an anger inside me because of how unjust it all felt. I knew love existed I just could never see where I would find it. Like you I used dating sites and like you got a lot of interest from men I was not interested in yet none from those I was. I would go on dates and feel that sinking feeling or see someone a few times just to realise that they were only after one thing. However I did meet my husband on one !
I know it is easier said than done to learn to love and like yourself but that is exactly what you must do. It is not something you can choose to do, it is something that evolves over time. Every step that you take on your own, every hurdle you overcome, every time you “feel the fear and do it anyway” gives you a bit more self respect and builds your self worth. I found that each relationship (no matter how short) I got involved in was a little bit better than the last and I truly believe that this was a reflection of how I felt about myself.
At the time I met my husband I had decided to give up on trying to find a relationship, I had realised that I was actually quite good at making myself happy, for the first time since my first son was born I felt like I was actually doing a pretty good job as a parent. I was about to delete my profile on one site and he asked me on a date (after chatting for a few weeks of and on). He was one of those that seemed more interested in me, than I was in him but I made that conscious decision of giving it a go because I didn’t have anything to lose (as I had resigned myself to being single for a while) and try something different in that I did not feel an initial attraction. Needless to say he turned out to be the most perfect person for me !!
I suppose my message to you is to not force anything, unfortunately it does take a long time for us to heal. My mantra is “good things come to those who wait” – try to be patient, your time will come when you are ready xx
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Hi Pearlescent,
Thanks for your reply, I think we were typing messages on this thread at the same time! It’s great to hear how your journey evolved and how you eventually met a good man after several not so great relationships. I liked what you said about it being a process where we turn up for ourselves and feel the fear and do it anyway, I have read that book and I have started practicing the message again lately, by booking onto events and going to things I might previously have avoided.
My only worry is that I’m not that young and still don’t have children, and would like them. So I feel this time pressure to meet someone good and have a family before I can’t anymore. It’s a rubbish situation and I wish I wasn’t in it, if I’d had children younger then I wouldn’t need to worry about it now. But growing up I was advised to put study and career first and reassured I’d meet someone good, fall in love and have a family all in good time. It scares me that it hasn’t happened yet, and my ex was the worst person by far that I’ve ever dated.
I also know that the pressure I feel is one of the ways I am vulnerable to abusers. My ex knew I wanted a family and pretended he did too to trick me. And because I get less attention now than when I was younger I have fewer options, so dated my ex when I was unsure about him, partly because I thought he was the best of a bad bunch (he was actually by far the worst!!) I know that’s a terrible reason to date him, and I did like who I thought he was very much, and was devastated when it ended despite the abuse, but I don’t think I would have dated him 10 years ago because I had better options then.
It’s pretty depressing but such is life at times. I know I need to figure out a way to be happy single, but the truth is I’ve been single for most of my life and I’m sick of it. I was single for years and years before I met my ex. I’m desperately awaiting therapy to unpick why I have been unable to find or maintain a healthy relationship because there is this barrier there for me, which I still don’t understand despite trying for years to understand.
In the meantime I practice self love and self care and work towards my goals, I’m going in the right direction at least, and being single without children is definitely better than being with my ex who might have given me a child but would have probably have terrorised us both for life. x
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This seems to be best one to reply to, it feels very surreal to write this. I have been reading everyone words since 15 April. This is the first time I’ve wrote anything. Mostly I still don’t really think of it as abuse. Well the physical I do, the rest I don’t. I don’t know how to comprehend and understand why it has happened. I don’t understand why it still hurts, why it hurts to breathe. Why it hurts to think. It hurts to see him, yet for my children I have to. I’ve spent all this time pretending I’m OK. And I’m not. I don’t know how to be.I forgive him for what he’s done. But how do I forgive myself for what I didn’t do?
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Hi Mixedup, I’m sorry you’re feeling so low, and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are in the midst of or recovering from abuse, it is a very confusing time and you will question everyone and everything about your life, it turns everything on its head. It also sounds like you might have PTSD which is very common among survivors, due to the trauma suffered.
Have you rung the helpline for support and advice? What about therapy/counselling and friends/family? You could also start a new thread so the others can read your post and support you, they might not see it on this thread. Abuse is an absolutely shocking, terrible thing to go through but we understand and you will be ok. Hugs to you and keep posting xx
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I feel like I’ve done everything, I’ve been phoning the helpline every other day. have looked at counselling. I’m at the point where I don’t understand why I can’t just move forward.
my children have adjusted to the split, he’s moved on and is living with another woman. apparently a friend, but don’t know that I believe that.
I tried to carry on as normal, I got up everyday, I took my children to school everyday. I went to work everyday and now I can’t. now I can’t pretend i’m ok, I don’t know this person that I am.
I don’t think I have the strength yet to begin a thread. its taken me so long to just put something on this one.
it seemed most relevant, I’ve started packing up his things. trying to evict them from my sight, hoping he will be evicted as quickly from my mind.
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