Have any of you spoken to any other ex’s?

[starryeyed]

I was wondering if anyone has ever made contact with any of the ex’s?

Before I left the relationship I was very tempted to reach out to 1 or 2 of his ex’s but I didn’t feel that I could because I didn’t know what to say, was worried about how I would be received and what I would hear and also it didn’t feel fair. I felt that it would be useful to hear how he had been in previous relationships – was this behaviour just me or had he been like this before?

Especially because he told me his previous ex’s were all crazy, he had to leave the country to escape, they had mental health problems, abused him. Now this may be true but after speaking to people I’m doubting it. I’m pretty confused.

Transpires that I know someone who knows an ex – and I’m wondering if I should make contact with them. But I’m not sure how or what I would say and I don’t know if it is fair – on them to bring it back up with them because they don’t know me at all, and not fair on him and I feel really conflicted about it. Maybe it is a selfish thing for me to want to know?

I just wondered if anyone else felt the same desire to do this or if it was just me.
And I wondered if anyone had ever done this and reached out to an ex?

Also I wondered if anyone had gotten in touch with a new partner of their ex?

[endoftherainbow]

I did, after I left I had contact with his children from previous relationships, he had told me so many lies about his past. I found it helpful, he had told me he had never been violent with anyone else, and made me feel it was my fault, he used to say “what is it about you that can turn me into this man”. To find out he had been this way with at least 4 other people helped me to realise it wasn’t me at all, which helped me a lot xxxx

[starryeyed]

Thanks for your reply. I’m glad to hear it helped you. I would have to message and ask to speak and I don’t know this person at all, never met once. I don’t know if it is a good idea as I have no link to them, aside from my ex/partner :3 Wondering if it would cause more harm? Harm to her?

[endoftherainbow]

Its a difficult decision to make, I really want to reach out to his new partner, I don’t want anyone else going through what I did, but the other part of me wants no contact at all, plus she probably won’t believe me, he will have filled her full of his lies xx

[Borntobefree]

When I left my ex. one of his ex’s messaged me ..he sexually abused her also she just kicked him out without getting the police involved

[Janedoeissad]

I’ve been debating doing this too.

His other Ex got in touch with him from time to time to tell him how he’d ruined her life. She’d call him a bully and would look for an apology. She never got one.

I’m scared if I got in contact with her she would use it as ammunition in an email to him. I wouldn’t want him knowing I contacted her.

So that’s is what stops me.

[starryeyed]

Janedoeissad – yes, I don’t know if it would get back to him either and that worries me. I don’t know really anything about her apart from what he has said but I do know they are both still linked on social media – which I find puzzling if either one was abused by the other but maybe it is a way of keeping tabs on each other or something.

[Janedoeissad]

Starryeyed, yes I found it very odd that she emailed someone who she called a bully. I think that’s why I struggled with whether it was him or her at the time. Now I know it was him.

I want minimal contact with my Ex so struggled to understand why she kept emailing.

I do have a million questions I want to ask her though.

[Good samaritan]

His ex sent me a message to tell me he was dijon live videos ridiculing me on (detail removed by moderator) I’d blocked him months prior on every platform. I didn’t even know the women only that she was mother to one of the children he never had when we met. Even when csa caught up with him he still tried to deny she was his and now they’re linked to each other via (detail removed by moderator) I only responded with a blunt response when she asked me what happened I just said irreconcilable differences due to his infidelity. She just replied with crazy. I tend to agree with her as that is how it feels. Everything about him makes you feel crazy

[cloudyday]

Hi Yes I managed to contact an ex-partner of his, mother to two of his children. The stuff she told me horrified me and I also shared my stories with her. Trouble is a major traumatic thing came to llight after I had contact regarding her and the police are involved ( cant go into detail on here as this is ongoing but it is a major case) and she had been doing some pretty horrific things over the years to her own child which kind of then made me question her credibility in what she had told me. She said he had been physically violent to her but he has emotionally abused me and never been physically violent. In the end I told him that I had been in touch with her and questioned him on a lot of the stuff she said which of course he totally denied. So still I am questioning whether what she told me was true, whether some of it was true ( as she has been proved to be a liar also) or whether she has made everything up because she hates him and never ever wanted him to be a part of the children’s lives. The children who are almost grown up now are having nothing to do with him which is what she has always wanted. But also he tells lies. The only thing I can really rely on are the things I have experienced while being with him which has been terrible emotional abuse, gas lighting, mind games, coercive control, ignoring, bombarding with calls, being called disgusting names and on and on (too much to put here). I think the best course of action is Clares Law. I know this will only show if the police have had involvement with any of his abuse but I think this is the road I will go down now. There is another woman that I would like to speak to but having trouble making any contact. He was with her for many years but he always said that she was cheating on him throughout their relationship. THe one thing I am sure of is he is a really horrible nasty person!

[starryeyed]

Hi Cloudyday,

Thanks for your reply…it’s hard to know what to do in terms of contacting ex’s…and we should really trust our own instincts and what has happened to us – but I find this so hard because my sanity is questioned and I feel the control and gaslighting has affected my memory and perceptions. I agree, Clare’s Law is the best way forward and thank god this law exists. It has been a blessing, I applied for it and I definitely advise going for it.
<3
x*x

[KIP.]

Isn’t if funny how they all try to discredit their exes. I saw court documents and what he told me about his first wife, was exactly what he had told the girl he cheated on me with about me. It was surreal. Exact same wording! He couldn’t even make up something new. I think they do this so we are too scared to contact the ‘crazy vindictive ex’. Because then we would find out who exactly is the crazy one.

[starryeyed]

It is b****y scary isn’t it? They lack imagination and yeah I think you are totally right, they do it so we don’t get in touch with the crazy ex. It’s so we think oh goodness, poor you, how awful to go through this abuse – your ex MUST be crazy. It’s code for ‘I abused her, controlled her, gaslighted her, and made her question her own sanity .etc.’

[cloudyday]

How do I go about applying for Clare’s Law Starryeyed. I really want to do this now.

Yes KIP you are absolutely right. They discredit them and they are the apparent victim in every single relationship. Amazing how these abusers all come out of similar moulds. Im sure the exes would tell a very different story. I used to believe every word he said about them. It was only when he started to show his true colours that I started to question in my head the stuff he had told me about them and no doubt he will tell everyone else exactly the same about me. One time when I was trying to leave the relationship after speaking with his ex he contacted his daughter and left her a voicemail (she sent me the voicemail so I heard it word for word) sayings that I had admitted to cheating when he spoke to me, how disgusting to say that and to tell an absolute lie! Again he hoovered me back in even after that. When I write all this stuff down and actually see it in black and white I find it really gives me a strength as it reminds me of so much of the abusive off the scale behaviour I have endured while being in a relationship with him. Let me know how you got on with Clares Law Starryeyed. x

[starryeyed]

Hi Cloudyday,

You can get some good information about Clare’s Law on the met police website, if you are able to visit that.

You can contact your local police station either in person or call 101 and then say that you want to make a Clare’s Law application. You can apply for Clare’s Law if you are still in a relationship with that person or if you are still at risk. They will take some information from you about what concerns you have and why you want to make your application and they will explain the process to you. If it is agreed that you can apply, then you will have another meeting where you show some ID and provide a bit more information and then police and other agencies go from there to find out information. You will only find out anything that is relevant to domestic abuse – so for example you wouldn’t find out a driving offence. If you do get a disclosure then you are asked to sign a legal document saying that you must keep this information confidential and it is not to be shared with anyone without prior permission. A disclosure is made in person and never in writing and it is so you can make an informed decision about if you want to continue the relationship or not.

The process can take a few weeks so it isn’t immediate, but if you are still in the relationship or at risk then I would recommend applying for it most definitely. It is there to be used and thank god we have it x*x

[cloudyday]

Thanks Starryeyed. My only concern is that if I make the application will they contact him or question him or anything or let him know that I have been to see them as I dont want that. x

[starryeyed]

Hi Cloudyday,

This was my fear too! No, they will not contact him and he will not find out about you doing the Clare’s Law unless you tell him yourself or if you tell someone you are going to apply, and then they tell him.

You can call 101 and ask for a bit more information about it direct from the police first. I did that and read a bit about it online before deciding to apply.

x*x <3

[Lausaber]

I have, 3 of his ex wives one of which was still married to him when we met but he didn’t tell me, I found out (detail removed by Moderator) into the relationship and they had a toddler. (detail removed by Moderator).

[Author]

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