Have I changed and could it be me?

[Byzantium]

I won’t go into detail about my past posts but I’m co fused about whether it r ally is my fault. He has been really nice and caring over the last few weeks. He is really keen for us to start a family and get married. He has t said any mean things in weeks. However, I have noticed that I am more reluctant to get married now and have a baby. I find I still struggle with enjoying intimacy with him despite him being nice. I am wondering whether I am the abusive one in terms of me feeling reluctant about things and not wanting intimacy (but going along with everything anyway). I feel like a terrible human being and he is right when he says that I don’t make him feel loved. I have been feeling low lately with everything that’s going on and I have a lot of stress at work too. My family have had enough of me not seeing them much and have threatened to cut me off from them. Most days I feel like I’m no good at my job, as a partner and as a daughter too. Why can’t I feel happy when things are going ok?

[Camel]

Hi Byzantium

You can’t feel happy when things are going OK – because they’re not going OK.

Where, in everything you’ve just said, is anyone showing you any actual care and consideration? Everyone is demanding that you do things to make them happy. Meanwhile, you’re not allowed a voice.

You go along with intimacy for an easy life.

He doesn’t abuse and insult you for a while and declares that you don’t make HIM feel loved.

HE wants marriage and kids. YOU don’t. When you say you feel reluctant you’re downplaying how you feel. You’re not reluctant, you simply DON’T want to marry him and bear his children. You really must heed your own misgivings. Your situation will definitely get worse once he has you legally and physically tied to him.

I really don’t understand your parents’ attitude. Have they always expected you to come running and be available? Threatening to cut you off is abusive in itself. It’s love with strings attached when a parent’s love should be unconditional. If this has been your upbringing it will explain why you have no voice. Perhaps you can do some reading on their parenting style and the emotional fallout. It may give you some armour.

[iliketea]

Hey, I remember when you posted Your Story back in the summer. I just went and reread it. I remember it so vividly but I just wanted to reread in case it wasnt you that I was remembering. But it was. This is abuse, it was abuse, it will always be abuse. Honestly, it sounds like he has worn you out with it and you’ve given up.
You dont feel happy now because things have been terrible in the past. Your subconscious gut knows this man is not right for you. This relationship is not right. Could you go back and read the posts you wrote. On the Your Story one two very wonderful posters replied, Braelynn who isnt on here anymore and WantstoHelp who rarely posts these days BUT these two women were instrumental in getting me out and boy were they right in everything they said, all their advice everything was spot on. Maybe go back and read some of their replies to your posts.
If at all possible try not to get alienated from your family. This happened to me and it made it all the more difficult to separate when the time finally came. You need support, a strong support network. Your family love you. They may well be seeing the abuse and be really worried for you. This is possibly a response like Al-Anon where the families are usually advised to step back and allow the person with the dependency to go it alone. Maybe they feel that is the only way you will see? I don’t know, Im hypothesising as I have no idea about your family. But if you can at all hold on to them. I would. If he is driving a wedge, don’t let him. Keep posting. xx

[Camel]

Hi Iliketea

Thanks for your comments about her family. I hadn’t thought they might be stepping back. But Byzantium did say they’ve threatened to cut her off which sounds extreme and not particularly supportive. It could be that Byzantium has taken their words as criticism when they weren’t meant that way.

Byzantium, Iliketea is right, if you can keep them on side you must. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell them if their words have upset you.

[Camel]

Another thought…Byzantium, when you say your ‘family’ has threatened to cut you off, who actually spoke the words? Has someone appointed themselves the spokesperson? Is it always the same person who claims to speak for everyone? Every family is made up of individuals with their own opinions.

Our mother took pleasure in setting her children against each other. She also decided who was ‘in and who was ‘out’ so that we never got to build relationships with extended family. I’m not suggesting your family is like this but it’s always worth checking out the dynamics.

[gettingtired]

Hi, it doesn’t sound like things are going ok so it’s no wonder you’re feeling this way. My partner says he wants a family sometimes and always says it in a way as to make me feel slightly guilty (maybe because he senses I don’t want one, not with him, maybe not at all but certainly not with him as sad as that makes me feel to admit). I would strongly advise going ahead with that. Like others have said, it will only get worse once legally tied to him. It sounds like you know deep down that’s not what you want.
I agree you should try to keep your support network there including family if you can although them threatening to cut you off is wrong. My Dad is always very t*t for tat and only wants to really support me when it’s on his terms etc so I know it’s not nice having a parent that uses these tactics. However, I’m sure they love you and should be able to support you in some way if they’re aware of your situation. Even if you just take their help to get away from him and then look at creating boundaries etc with them once you’re out of the relationship. I know it’s complicated but you definitely need some support.
Have you reached out to any friends or womens aid? xx

[iliketea]

@Camel, sorry, didnt read your post, just recognised Byzantiums name and remembered the story. Only speaking from personal experience of what happened to me, but definitely agree family dynamics are so complicated, and yes it does sound extreme to cut a family member off. xx

[Author]

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