Have I done the right thing? Should I give him another chance?

[veryconfused]

I moved out of home (detail removed by Moderator) ago. I have only seen him (detail removed by Moderator) in that time and (detail removed by Moderator) phones calls. Each time I have contact I feel like maybe I should give him another chance. This is the (detail removed by Moderator) time I’ve tried to leave but the first time I’ve actually managed it. I have found accommodation that is safe and I know I could be happy here. My reasons to go back are mainly guilt and worries about the financial mess and difficulties of separating our lives. There’s a small part of me that wonders if I could have tried harder.
He says the problem is a lot to do with me and my negative outlook and always seeing the worst in him. I think I am guilty of this to some extent but I don’t believe my behavior inflicts hurt in the same way. He refuses accept that some of his behavior constitutes abuse and has refused to attend an anger management course because he says if I didn’t provoke him, he wouldn’t get angry.
(detail removed by Moderator) when he was trying to pressure me to give him another chance, he was quite aggressive about it, despite me saying over and over that it is exactly that treatment, tone of voice and language that I don’t want to live with anymore. He wanted to meet (detail removed by Moderator) but I have said no and now he’s saying that he will have to end the marriage because he can’t hang around waiting for me to decide to go back. I feel like that’s maybe because he wants to be the one to make the decision. I feel that if he really loved me, he wouldn’t be saying that. I know he must be hurting and perhaps I should be honest I say that I don’t think it will ever work. There is a part of me that so wants to go back for the good bits because there were some good bits. We have done some amazing things together.
My friends and mum have been so supportive. I believe I have the strength to move on, I know it will be difficult but I think I can do it. I just don’t know if i am being selfish and should really try to be a better wife and believe what’s he’s saying about me being too sensitive and needing to treat him better. Have I really warped it all in my head? I have diary entries of some of the bad moments going back 3 years and I know they really happened, I don’t think it’s just my interpretation of the events. I try reverse the situations and think if I would ever treat him the way he has treated me and I know I wouldn’t.

Sorry for all the rambling. It’s just so confusing.

[Beautifulday]

Hi there!
It sounds like extreme trauma bonding toe, and I know if I left I would feel exactly the same as you lovely. This is what they do they mess with our heads , we can’t think straight, we can’t see reality..well done on getting out ! Feel proud of yourself as its the hardest thing to do.
Its easy for me to give advice and I know things are always easier said than done, you will only do what you feel us right to do but I would say try to go no contact with him or if you need to have contact make it minimal, could you set up an email and get your friend or family member to read the emails? Just letting you know any important info regarding finances etc and leaving out any hoovering. He will try to suck you back in, to hoover you its clear he is doing this now by what you write he knows what he’s lost and he thinks you will go running back. Try not to speak to him or contact him its the only way. You say he refuses to accept his behaviour or change? This is a huge red flag this means if you go back nothing will change, even if he apologised or accepted his behaviour I still don’t think they are capable of changing, its all a front to make themselves look good.
You say hes threatening to divorce? If I were in your strong position & had left i would call his bluff, file for the divorce first as it puts you in a better position. He will never expect it and of you do that he will know you mean business and your not going back this is only what I would do if I had already left.

Stay strong lovely you have done so well and come so far I really wish I had your strength and you are an inspiration for me, dont listen to anything he tells you it’s all lies, all hoovering because he wants you back where he had you, they need control always and he’s feeling not In control so don’t give him it back. Keep talking with your friends and family, keep yourself busy, keep reading back over any journals you made or think back to the horrible times, times he was abusive keep these thouggts in your mind otherwise its only natural you will revert back to thinking of the good times, or what ifs, or what if its me? Etc. If these men were bad all the time we would never stay so there are always small amounts of good times to keep us hooked, we tend to focus on these good times and that then makes us think maybe they aren’t so bad I know because im guilty of doing this :(… keep strong lovely , keep going we are here to listen keep posting keep us updated x*x

[fizzylem]

If he wanted you and not control over you he would be saying take as much time as you need, not I’m not hanging around hey.

Telling you it’s your fault you make him angry is not taking responsibilty is it, his anger, he needs to learn how to arcticulate this in a non violent and respectful way. Of course you do not want to live with this – who does?

Strongly susupect you have every right to feel the way you do but when you try to raise and discuss the difficulties and problems, he says this is negative and you assume the worst in him, turning it into your fault again, this is a tactic to avoid taking owership for his behaviour, means he doesn’t have to do anything about it, it’s a way to squash your thoughts and feelings, dismiss you and the conversation.

I imagine you are trying to tell him some of his behaviours are unacceptable yes? And rather than listen and meet you, respond to you, hear what you are saying and change, his response is to turn it back onto you.

Staying with someone for the reasons you have put will only lead you into yet more misery. How would you feel if he was with you out of guilt and financial security? It’s absolutely ok to want more, to want a loving, respectful, close bond with a partner.

I think the error you’re making here, and I say this because I have been here myself and made the same error, is that you are taking responsibilty for the relationship, you think you can fix this if you try harder, there’s always a solution right? You think surely I can make this work. Only you can’t because it’s not you that needs to change, it’s him; the problem is he won’t change, he’s not even saying he wants to from what you’ve said, and why would he if you went back? Because what you are saying is it’s ok for you to behvae how you do because I will never leave you.

If you went back I feel pretty sure that after only a very short time you would be thinking what have I done, he is who he is and will never change.

The change you seek is the how you deal with him.

Your heart will be longing for what you can’t have, to end it for good and walk away feels frightening, but absolutely what you really need. Takes the heart a bit of time to catch up with the head – for most of us – means sitting with some heartache for a time because you know the relationship is toxic and as sad as it is it needs to end as a future together is only more of the same or worse x

[Featheredge]

Hi I am just like you, I have tear rolling down my face having read your post.
I also wonder if I have created this and was it as bad as I thought. And I feel so much guilt it’s incredible because I have broken the man who loved me, through all of it I know he loved me. I wish there was more help on this bit. I feel I am ruining lives and should’ve just stayed or at least give him a chance. But the chance worries me as I will never be strong enough to go again. This has been the worst year so far, like you I get told the reason he behaved like x after I left wa s because of what I did. He says he has no life any more he is constantly upset, he has lost weight and looks broken. So what do we do? Should we give them another chance because like you I had lots of good times but the eggshells and the telling me what to do hasn’t changed. I hope you are ok and I would be interested to hear your decision. Good luck with everything….

[Wiseafter]

Hi, just to say I totally get your feelings of guilt etc, but you say you are safe and supported so please, please put yourself first and stay that way. If you haven’t read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that (and forgive me if someone has already mentioned it) it is enlightening as to why abusive men rarely, if ever, change their ways. I gave my ex another chance last year when I left and came back. After a honeymoon phase when we re-connected and he felt secure that he had hooked me in again, he was perfectly happy to treat me worse than before because he had threatened and abused me and I had STILL given him another chance and he played on that to ‘up’ his abusive behaviour secure in the knowledge that I wasn’t going anywhere! I now realise that I was showing him that I did not love or respect myself – so why should he? Taking responsibility for our actions or re-actions to abusive behaviour or manipulative situations is appropriate where we can work that through safely on the forum or with therapists or people we trust, this is much better and healthier than going back into an abusive situation where we are unsafe again. x

[Wiseafter]

Hey Featheredge – my ex lost weight too, played the victim and looked broken, he was a shadow of his former self and blamed me because I finally stood up for myself! I felt enormous guilt because I loved him very much and it is hard. But, the kind of walking on eggshells relationship is harmful to our bodies and our minds because of the affects of long term stress and fear and the trauma bonding. Please don’t feel guilty, you have not broken him. He broke himself through his abusive behaviour and you are not responsible for him, he is a grown adult. I found it helpful to write down all the things that my ex did and said to me that were awful, abusive and controlling and how I felt. I read it when I started to feel guilty or bad about what happened. I now also see that even the ‘good’ times were nothing but a manipulation to keep me sweet – I’m so sorry, this is so hard but don’t give up. xx

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