Haven’t posted for a while possible sexual abuse

[Rainbowcloud]

If anyone remember me I haven’t posted for a year maybe.
I’ve had a baby since then with my abuser after avoiding it for many years I kept the baby and my partner got so much better during the pregnancy and after for a while.
My daughter is a (detail removed by Moderator) old now and I feel the abuse has started again.
I’m banned from my phone infront of him I’m not allowed to use it or he goes mental.
He now demands sex all the time which he never used to he was always verbally and mentally abusive to some level but now o feel like I’m being forced.
Sometimes the sex feel like I’m actually being raped because I’ve said I’m tired with new baby and he goes on and on so much I have to do it.
I feel like sometimes he knows I don’t enjoy it but I can’t tell. He brings up sex constantly like I should want it everyday and I’m abnormal.
He talks about it so much it’s draining I don’t know why he is doing this when he’s not done it before and makes me feel bad if I say no.
I don’t know what to think but I wake everyday feeling so sad.
No one knows what I’m going through everything looks fine and then I question if it’s even that bad or just normal and that men want sex.
I jsur don’t get why since the baby he wants it more then he did before I had her.
Can someone help me work this out please and explain what is happening.
I’ve saved enough to move away now I had a little money come in which is in the bank and he doesn’t know.
I thought he had changed but he hasn’t it’s so sad we was happy when she was born it’s our only child together.
He bullies my sons too a little bit and finds things to pick on on them everyday very trivial things.
It’s depressing I’ve got a baby now too with him who I love so much.

[SeekingPeace]

Hi Rainbowcloud

I’m so sorry you are going through this. This is 100 percent sexual abuse you are being subjected to.

Have you ever completed The Freedom Programme by Pat Craven? There is an accompanying book called Living With The Dominator.
t is available online but the best way to complete it currently is to find someone who is running it via zoom where you can join with other ladies who are survivors of abuse. It is such a helpful programme to clarify different aspects of the abuse you are experiencing eg sexual abuse, especially when you become part of a supportive group/network with other ladies where you can share your stories and gain clarity on your situation and get support should you decide to leave the relationship.

I left my marriage after completing the programme. I never realised before that I had been sexually abused. I thought that because I had not actually said no to my husband when I didnt want to have sex (this was because I was too scared of the reaction if I were to say no) it meant I had consented and therefore it was not rape within marriage. When I recently reported my husband’s coercive control to police and part of their assessment involved questions in a risk assessment on this subject, the police actually confirmed that what my husband had done was rape.

These men rarely change, in fact many of them become more abusive over time. My husband’s abuse got worse several months after the birth of our first child, just as you are describing.
I wish I had left him then but at that point I was still very much making excuses in my mind for his behaviour eg work stress, health anxiety as well as the fact I simply did not have the knowledge and understanding of the dynamics of an abusive relationship that I have now!

Have you spoken to Women’s Aid at all? They are also very helpful.

Xx

[maddog]

Oh Rainbowcloud, he’s raping you. Please contact Women’s Aid and Rape Crisis. They can help you with reporting to the police should you choose.

You shouldn’t be living in fear and nor should your children.

You’re not alone

[Catjam]

Mine does the same. He pressured me for sex before I had fully healed from the birth of our eldest. He used to complain that our sex life was boring and became really crude even about women on tv.
I have woken up because he was having sex with me and sometimes he would keep groping me until I gave in. Or would sulk for days if I said no with some force. Then if I decided to instigate it he would turn his back on me. I have felt cheap and degraded.
Its awful to think of it in terms of rape. It’s not something I have mentioned anywhere else. I skimmed round the question when asked by the lady from women’s aid as I felt uncomfortable with the question.

[maddog]

I recently reported a flashback to the police. I’d never told anyone about what happened. When I made the statement some time later, my mind had calmed down. When I reported it, it was in front of me. We should never feel ashamed of what someone else has done. Women are historically supposed to be compliant. Coercion and compliance and consent are muddled up. These days, our bodies belong to us and not a man.

I too felt like a sex toy, an object. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. My ex raped me more times than I can shake a stick at. I complied because I believed that rape involved force and overt threat. I didn’t understand coercion.

[Anonymous]

I was once told that abuse gets worse with each commitment you make. Everytime you take a step closer together (ie moving in, getting married, having a child etc) it makes them worse. It has certainly been the case for me.

To echo all the other lovely ladies, yes this is sexual abuse. Well done for writing it out, sometimes even that step can be scary.

Wishing you strength x

[hop]

Hi rainbowcloud I remember you. I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. Especially with a new baby. These men do escalate the abuse when they get their foot in and now you’ve had his baby……you’re his!! Stay safe. If you’ve got the money saved make plans to leave. My kids are old and their dad still won’t leave us alone. Don’t waste half your life on one nice day here and there 💙

[Rainbowcloud]

Thankyou so sorry not replied he is off work and I’m not allowed to use t phone really when he’s here because he kicks off real bad about it.
I’ve had two days off from the sex side of things I am grateful but hes Defo getting worse again hes obsessed with everything I do even like me going shopping or the shops without him.
I’m like a prisoner when he’s off and if I go out he goes in a mood so I don’t go anywhere I do the school run that’s it .
I want him to go back to work it’s to much this lockdown has caused me so much misery.
I have to go now he told me I wasn’t a good mom today and our baby only smiles at him because he puts time in with her. I have three other children I have to look after aswlel and I’m run ragged. He’s so nasty I hope I can post again soon .

[Rainbowcloud]

Sande I’ve not heard thag who said that? I get no personal space non I can’t even go to bed early because he goes in a foul mood I have to stay up till he goes to bed it’s just not a nice life for me he’s in shower now.
I’m upstairs with baby I have to go down now please reply when u can. He never hits me though physical it’s not like that it’s all mental

[Hawthorn]

Hi Rainbowcloud,

I dont have much to add just wanted you to know I think you’re so brave and really strong to be enduring the torture your abuser is doing to you. And with children and a little baby to look after! You’re a superhero you know.
My experience echoed Sande’s…the abuse got worse when we moved in together…Worse again when we bought a house together and our marriage was game over.
He doesn’t need to get violent, he’s doing everything else. The emotional, psychological and sexual abuse is torture. Making you a prisoner in your own home. What a horrible “man”.
Take care of yourself. You dont deserve this xxxx

[gettingtired]

Hi, I’m not far along as some ladies on here with marriage/children/mortgage with my partner (although I’ve been with him a long time!) but moving in together was a big commitment and if I’m honest things have gotten worse. We also got a pet together and that has been used against me (to harm pet) so I suppose that’s another commitment and things have been worse from that too.
Sorry to hear about your situation, you’re in the best place here. So much fantastic support and advice. Please stay safe and don’t stop writing on here xx

[maddog]

My situation was similar. Are you able to get out and buy a cheap burner phone? My ex was in control of all the phones, and I found it helpful to have one just to speak to Women’s Aid, and the police etc. Rape Crisis will be able to offer support as well. If you call 101 and ask for the Domestic Abuse team, they’ll be able to guide you. They’re not police officers, and they won’t report anything. Please tell your GP and your children’s school(s).

It’s a terrifying time. None of this is your fault. It’s all very traumatic, and you’re amazing. You’re posting here, and you’re making contact. You recognise that his behaviour isn’t normal.

If you’re not already doing it, try going Grey Rock. Speak to him only about small things if possible. Keep a diary of everything he does, your children’s reactions to what’s going on. You will probably be able to get family support for you and the children.

Right now, your safety is paramount.

You’re so not alone. You weren’t there when this monster evolved, and he’s as he is. Abuse can happen to absolutely anyone.

You’re not loosing your mind, however it feels. YOu’re responding to a very real threat.

[Bettertimesahead]

I get the giving in to sex thing.My ex expected it every opportunity and used to twist it to make it sound like I should be grateful how much he wanted me etc. If I didn’t get naked when there was as he called it , opportunity, eg empty house, he would get attitude and sulk. He continually wanted photos even though he knew I hated them. Still makes me angry now

[Author]

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