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I know that I am tired and it is always worse then. Today I can’t stop thinking about him and the nice times. I keep bursting into tears and then sobbing for a while.
I feel lonely, hopeless and I miss my home and the life that we had (when he wasn’t being abusive). Its been (detail removed by moderator) and I still keep hoping that he will ask me to go back. I know its crazy, but it is so hard. I can’t bear to see couples around me or on TV.
I feel guilty and worthless that I make such bad choices.
I want to stop feeling like this. -
There are two things to do when you feel like this. One is to give yourself a reality check and reminder of the abuse. I had a list of abusive incidents that I reread when I needed a reminder.
The other, and the one it sounds like this is the one that you need today, was to make a special effort to look after myself. If it helps, tailor it towards the thing that you are missing about him. If I was missing that my ex cooked for me I would either (depending on funds) order a takeaway,go out for dinner or make myself something I really liked for dinner. If I missed the nice flat I might tidy up and buy myself flowers. If that isn’t what you need then anything calming and soothing is good (baths, lighting candles, going for a walk) or something defiant (angry music is good, I also refined my make-up and hair styling techniques) or anything distracting (I did a lot of colouring in, and practicing of a musical instrument). Obviously tailor all this to your likes. And remember it is ok not to be ok, and to be sad that things weren’t what you hoped they would be. It’s ok not to be able to deal with anything ‘coupley’. I didn’t read any books with even the possibility of a love interest for at least 9 months. And I stopped watching TV altogether (although that was mostly because my ex loved it and I didn’t, so it was nice to be away from it).
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I know how this feels. Deep down I know he is a bad guy all round but yet my heart clings on to the pretence he was a good guy, the acts he played and the way I allowed myself to feel. I miss those feelings but I don’t miss him.
Do you miss him or do you just miss the way you felt being in a relationship?
I agree though, self care really helps when you can pull out the strength to actually get dressed. Do something yourself that makes you feel good…. I’ll run a hot bubble bath and chill in super comfy pj’s and fresh bed sheets and always feel a little better or i’ll watch a box set which takes my mind off it all.
Hope you feel better soon.
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Another tidal wave of grief has washed over me today. I dreamt about him last night. He was sitting in a very familiar place engaged in what he spent a lot of time doing. (It was also an activity that he was doing when I first noticed him and when we got together).
I knew that I had left him and that I had to maintain no contact, but I kept having to walk past him and I was yearning for him to smile at me or invite him over or for him to come over to me. He was wearing my favourite shirt and looked so vulnerable and alone – just as he always did.
Anyway after a week of being very ill – during my first week of holiday (just at home) in 6 months – and after the years of hell, I guess my defences were down and every tiny thing overwhelmed me. All the thoughts of him, missing him, what it could have been like and then I remembered some of the worst things he did and that made me worse. Lots of suicidal and irrational thoughts too. Four months into recovery and I still get hit by it all.
Feel a bit calmer now. -
It’s really tough, and progress isn’t linear. If you are having suicidal thoughts it might be worth talking to your GP to see if you can get more support. Everything you have described is pretty normal for recovery, but I hope it gets better soon. It really is recovery. Every bad patch feels like a return to the start, but it isn’t after each episode I tend to realise that I am actually doing better. I hope it turns out like that for you too, and well done for maintaining no contact.
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I know how you feel, mine shoved me yesterday and shouted calling me a f@@@@@@ c**t yet still today I miss him, he’s met someone else I feel and am physically sick. I can’t eat, haven’t properly for weeks, every time I do it comes straight back up – she’s (detail removed by Moderator) years younger than me, she’s fun I’m a washed up menopausal women, it hurts like hell
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Do we all believe in going with your gut instinct? My gut instinct has told me for the last 6 years to get rid of my abuser, even though I married him. He’s taken control of everything, financially and emotionally, and never have I been in such a mess as a result. The thing is, I know I need to walk away, but it’s actually sorting it all out that keeps stopping me, and seeing him day in day out doesn’t help me.
I promised myself that if he got the job I wanted him to get, I’d give it one last shot, but he got news yesterday, that he didn’t get the job, that would have taken us (detail removed by Moderator), so I could be nearer to my brother, who has been very ill. My gut told me that if he didn’t get the job, I should finally bring the mess to an end. I trust my gut, but it’s so hard to face. Does anyone know how you can get practical help to move? I have belongings in my loft which he has thrown everywhere up there, and I just can’t tackle it alone, and I have no one to help, and a whole load of other stuff in my garage, which is also a mess thanks to him. If I can somehow tackle that, it would be a positive start. The house is owned by me in my sole name but I don’t think anything will remotely happen unless I leave it.
Every day seems to be a bad day, day in day out, year in, year out!
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Trouble is, my gut instinct would take me straight back to him. The only reason I am not trying is because I know he doesn’t want me. He knows how I feel about him. If he were missing me he knows where I am and how to get in touch and he hasn’t. I am in so much pain. I want it to stop.
On top of that a previous employer had offered me a part time temporary contract which I accepted. Then the senior manager heard and told her that she couldn’t employ me. I feel like s**t and as if all my ex colleagues will think that I must have done something really terrible.
What actually happened was that he was a bully. I confronted him during a mental breakdown and he engineered my redundancy. I felt like s**t then too – that was very recent.
My son told me last weekend that he did not like me for leaving my ex husband, which is almost what my ex abuser said. So he was right about that too.
I just want it all to stop.
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Hey IrisAtwood. I hear you when you say your gut would take you straight back to him – I feel the same for my ex/partner but his contact via email has stopped now, and I don’t know if he would take me back. I also fear I would lose family and friends if I went back, so this is keeping me from doing it. And if I really search deep, deep down I know that I am scared that he could really hurt me. Sometimes I find listening to my gut near impossible with the confusing thoughts going round and round.
Maybe the temporary contract not going ahead is a blessing in a disguise? Would you really want to work with a bully again? It would be so distressing for you. Also I reckon your ex-colleagues, at least some of them, will know that the senior manager was a bully – I doubt you are the only one who knew this – and I am sure more are sympathetic than judgemental to you <3
I’m sorry your son told you that last weekend, that’s tough to hear I am sure 🙁 I don’t know how old he is and such but he is possibly feeling frustrated and taking it out on you – no excuse for that but maybe he is having a tough time adjusting?
Take care of yourself x*x
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Thanks for replying Starry. This is the only place that I can write about and express how I feel with women who I know understand.
He did nearly kill me. The only times I have made serious attempts on my life and been in hospital for my mental health were when I was with him. He seemed to want me to end my life. In my strong moments I give a mental f**k you when I get dressed and get on with my life.
My son is an adult and it was in the context of how hard the last five years have been. I left my ex husband (who refused sex for decades) for my ex who just lit something in me and made it clear that he wanted me. My son now speaks to me and is very caring, although he has a lot of emotional problems himself (which I blame myself for as his father (not my ex husband) was violent. My ex husband is my son’s stepfather from when he was very small.
I’ve stopped crying so hard, got my make up and am just about to start work so I look fine and I can always act fine too – even when I feel as bad as I do. I am going to the cinema after work with some friends to see The Shape of Water – expect to be a blubbering mess, but everyone will think it is just the film 😬
Thanks again Starry. x
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Would I have ended up hating and resenting him? Perhaps I was cheated out of the experience of getting over him, finally realising what a lazy, selfish, abusive pig he was. Perhaps that is why he ended it? He knew where it would end and wanted to retain my love for the rest of his life. As far as he is concerned I will love and miss him forever and he can carry that with him. A supply of never ending worship.
This thought helps me.
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Hi Starry,
The Shape of Water is a very beautiful film and full of beautiful music too. I didn’t cry much, just a few tears when they were embracing, I think because I didn’t connect with the creature. The idea of a woman and a creature that is so clearly not human is too transgressive!
I feel a little better today and feel as if I can manage the next couple of hours, which is all anyone needs to do. The terror starts when I think longer term – but who knows what is in our future? The twelve step codependency programme I am is helping a lot too.
<3
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