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    • #139285

      Hi everyone, I have not been here for a while, my Dad was in hospital for a long while and I think that kind of distracted me from my past. Dad seems all fine now and I thought I would try a dating app. I just wanted to see what it was like, how it worked. Meet people(not in real life). But it opened a can of worms it seems. I am terribly upset, I cannot stop crying since last night. I just miss my ex so much. I think he wasn’t so bad, I miss all the good times, all the good in him, being together through thick and thin. Was he really bad enough to leave? It’s desperately horrible. I feel I am now single in a world where I will never meet anyone else. Dating online is horrible and is a shallow process.
      I was doing fine on my own when I was just concentrating on myself, trying not to think about the future or how I would ever meet someone new. I will probably be fine if I was single forever. But I just thought I wanted to get the ball rolling as I had two terminations with my ex. I want children. I don’t want to miss my chance.

    • #139288

      Hey Eyesopening,

      I really hear you, and I’m sorry that you’re having a difficult few days. As much as it brings up, I would see the crying as releasing and grieving for the life you had or believed you may have had if the abuse wasn’t there.

      I’m in a similar position, but I can’t bring myself to go on dating apps and yet and maybe you’re not ready too yet and that’s okay. There is no time-limit on healing from a difficult / toxic relationship. I believe in meeting people the traditional way, through friends or friends, through hobbies etc but this will take time. You say how comfortable you have been feeling on your own, and focusing on yourself and maybe you need to continue to do that just for a little longer, then slowly by slowly socialise a little more, build up some solid healthy and compassionate friendships, then possibly visit the future again. Dating apps again?

      I don’t know your age, but I also had terminations due to my previous relationship and that does come with a lot of anxiety about having children in the future. My friends mother who’s in her late 40’s just had a really healthy baby. It isn’t too late. There are so many options now. For now, focus on yourself, be kind to yourself, you are so brave and so strong and doing SO well. You will get the things you desire, just with time.

      Take some time out for self-care today, and the following days. Be gentle with yourself. Speak to your loved ones (maybe not specifically about the details unless you’d like to but just a chat / catch up if you feel able to.)

      You’re not alone with these fears, they are perfectly rational. I stand with you beautiful. I hope this helps a little? Sending you SO much love!

      • #139308

        Thankyou for your lovely message. Yes i was not ready, i have deleted the app now. emotions are still like waves/ mostly calm now bug sometimes the calm tricks me a little into thinking everything is fine. I would like to never go on a dating app again and only meet people through their hobbies. It seems so fake. I am so determined now to carry in dedicating myself to my hobbies , and building healthy relationships with my friends and family.
        Thankyou for makime feel not alone in this. And i know there is time.. i guess i get into that mode where i think it will be so harr to meet anyone that i must try soon..
        but its not a healthy way to start is it.
        Thankyou, lots of love to you too ❤️❤️❤️

      • #139354

        I’m so glad you liked the message, I was worried I came across too harshly. It’s hard to know when to give advice or if it’s unsolicited advice. It is so difficult to know when you’re ready, but with time, you will know. I know women’s aid suggest two years after no contact to start to date, but that is just their suggestion.

        Dating apps are scary and toxic, but then again some of my friends met their husbands on their so I suppose it’s a draw or luck?! Who knows! I am so glad you’ve made the decision to continue dedicating your time to yourself, and hobbies and friendships / relationships with family.

        This network of survivors is a perfect place to speak about your emotions and your journey, to discover you’re not alone. You’re always welcome to private message me, I’m on here once a week.

        I truly believe you’ll meet the right person, when the times right. <3
        Keep on doing what you’re doing, you’re doing amazingly. xx

    • #139293

      Lovely post healing butterfly babe. I haven’t gone back to online dating after my ex but I did meet someone through a friend. He turned out to be toxic. I hadn’t done enough healing and I got caught again sadly. However, my experience has taught me what I really want from a relationship and I feel better able to protect myself. Since then I have made it one of my projects to educate myself on dating red flags, what is a healthy relationship, boundaries etc. I read alot as that really helps me. If you can, one really useful short book is Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch. If you take some time to heal and learn about healthy relationships then you are still working towards what you really want and will be in a better place for find it x

      • #139310

        Thankyou, thats So true. And gives me hope, i did feel a bit in limbo, but as you say, working on myself is working towards what i want.
        I read that book it is the best, i thought i had prepared myself really well by researching etc into red flags. But then there is also the other factor of just not being ready, not properly healed. Trauma bond still being there a bit. I think not ever talking about it kind of means it gets forgotten about and i minimize what i have been through. I am having therapy for ptsd…

    • #139315

      Hi lovely, I really empathise with you on this. I’m having a few bad days too thinking about my ex and it’s such a cruel thing to think you’ve met your one and then it turns out not to be. Especially because, if like me, you thought at the beginning everything was so perfect and you felt happy and settled and that finally it was your turn. I’m of the age where all my friends are getting married, engaged or having children and I think that is a subconscious weight on my mind as well.

      Tonight I got very down because I was tidying up and found a matching set of aprons I’d bought us, and I just clutched his apron and cried. Something so small, but one of the more positive memories, triggered me. And that’s what this is about, it’s the loss of the love we THOUGHT we had initially and those times that were actually good. It’s like mourning someone’s death that we can’t get back.

      Please know you’re not alone on this. I’m on dating apps too but literally swiping left on everyone… it’s like I want that excited feeling back and to have someone to experience things with, but in my heart of hearts I know I’m not ready yet. I felt so close with my ex, he was my best friend and treated me the best I’ve ever been treated in my life, interlaced with being treated the worst I’ve ever been treated. And that’s the part we have to remember – the tears, the constant worry and anxiety, the praying and wishing things to change but they never did. We’ve done so well to get out of a negative, soul crushing situation, it would be unjust to send ourselves back to a lifetime of imprisonment.

      Sometimes it just takes a little patience, a little realism and clarity with ourselves, and to not pressure our bodies into doing things they’re not ready for yet 💕 and we just have to remember to look forward and not back. We were fine before we met them, and we’ll be fine after too.

      I’m going to spend this next year focusing on myself, improving my mental headspace and health and my career, and wait till I know I’m truly ready to try again. You just never know what’s around the corner.

      My colleague said something the other day that made me really think and apply it to my life situation. Instead of looking at the bigger picture, or end goal, or thinking my life’s a mess I need to do xyz and get everything in order… just start. It can be really overwhelming if we think of everything all at once. Instead we just have to take one step, and then think about the next step. For me this week, that’s looked like: signing up to counselling, running myself a bubble bath, food shopping after work, and buying/assembling some new furniture. It doesn’t matter that I’ve had moments I can’t get out of bed. I’ve just started and I know eventually I’ll get wherever I’m headed.

      Hope this brings you some comfort and to know you’re not alone x

      • #139388

        Hi PinkVelvet, thanks for replying to me, the wonderful women here really were a comfort to me this weekend.
        I am sorry you know how I feel, but thankgod we have a place to connect and know we are not alone.
        I will carry on what made me feel ok, it’s funny I didn’t connect the two things so easily at first, missing him and starting to use a dating app. Until it got to bad.
        I love spending time focusing on myself and doing only what I want!
        I agree, baby steps, that is how I managed to get out and do ok until now. I suppose baby steps is still needed, I have been doing baby steps for a long time and I was starting to think, maybe its time to look at the bigger picture. It was not pretty! So I will go back to baby steps.
        Lots of love x*x

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