Having a Bad Night

[Dragonfly]

I’ve been doing really well. Had counselling, I’m taking anti depressants and generally feeling great. Last few nights though and particularly tonight I can’t sleep. I’m having intrusive thoughts and I don’t know why. The courtroom is in my head and his horrible lawyer shouting at me saying I’m a liar. It’s taken my right back to the night I was attacked. Now all that’s in my head again.

I know I’ll get ups and downs but I’ve seriously been in such a good place for the last few weeks so why is it coming back again?? I’m not upset but more angry. I’ve been fine. Don’t know why I’m posting this, just need to vent I suppose. Feeling like I’ve let myself down by letting that thing back inside my brain!

I’ve found breathing exercises helpful but it’s not working tonight. Just one of those nights.

[KIP.]

Sorry Dragonfly to hear this. It happens to me too for no real reason. I think it’s PTSD for me but just know that it will pass again. I was given a relaxation tape I play. It’s that roller coaster again x keep praising yourself and stay positive.

[Dragonfly]

It is a roller coaster. I also have PTSD so I guess it’s all just part of the recovery.

I remember looking at the clock at 4ish and I’ve just woke up!! Not only that I’ve obviously switched my alarm off at 6.30 and just had to phone the school because my son’s not there! Great mum moment.

Oh well at least I dreamt of normal stupid stuff and not evil x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Dragonfly,
My counsellor says the body doesn’t forget the trauma we go through and things can act like a trigger and the body and brain remember the trauma and how it made us feel.
It’s possible that the feeling of being shouted at by his lawyer felt like the attack so is triggering off memories of it.
Maybe if you tried counselling to help you deal with the trauma it might help banish them. It’s not for everyone, it can be upsetting to face your fears, but I’m finding it very helpful. The ladies on the helpline are also excellent at helping me see things differently and that it isn’t my fault, my decision to stay is okay etc I felt no one would believe me or understand why I stayed with him. I’m feeling okay with my decisions now. It might help. I also can’t sleep at night. I write a lot then, helps me get the thoughts out of my mind and I can make sense of them better. Hope you have a peaceful nights rest tonight

[Dragonfly]

Thank you. I think at the mo I’m just really tired so sleeping when I get in from work and obv not sleeping at night so thoughts go round my head. Going to try not to fall asleep during the day. My life’s a bit stressy too with divorce and money, the dad not seeing his son. However, onwards and upwards

[SunshineRainflower]

Sorry to hear this Dragonfly, it must have been awful to be treated like that in the courtroom after you had been through abuse. What Freedomfighter said about the body reminded me of this book I’ve been looking into, it’s called ‘The body keeps the score’ and is about healing from trauma. I’ve not read it yet but it has good reviews so maybe it could help. I sometimes paint or write down nightmares, it seems to help get them out a part of my brain, especially painting them, not sure why but it helps somehow. It definitely sounds like PTSD, I hope you find something that helps and have a better rest tonight.

[shirotora]

I think you were lacking vital support here – and that is wrong (on so many levels). You should have been contacted by the Victim Support, Women’s Aid have and an Domestic Abuse Court Support to offer you support during this -for you- traumatizing process.
I am right there, right now and I never imagined that so much support would have existed for me…
If you life in England or Wales try to contact IDVA. Even if that Trial Diet has passed it is still worth a try.

Blessings,
S

[Dragonfly]

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