Having a better day

[Peacethroughhealing]

I always seem to be posting under the ‘having a bad day’ title but having a bit of a better day since I have had no contact from the man. I don’t want to say OH or Partner now because I don’t think that’s what he is. I would only go back to him if he gets the appropriate help. I haven’t heard from him in a few days and I’m thinking maybe he has just walked away from the relationship now because I don’t fulfill the fantasy that he has about himself after I outed him and saw him for what he truly is. I ignored all of his texts the other day and he has a previous conviction so he won’t want to harass me overly I’m sure in case he thinks I will go to the police which I’ve already done. Did I mean nothing to him, is he not even willing to try to get help? He keeps going on about waiting for a mental health assessment which I believe but will they know it’s domestic abuse? The assessment is now that he is over a year sober from alcohol and he has discovered that he has a nasty streak in him that has nothing to do with the alcohol…all that we shared together and all the help that I gave him and he’s made a fool of me. I guess I am still having a bad day…

[fizzylem]

Hey PTH, sounds like you haven’t given up the hope he will get help and change. Sadly they don’t. Now you’re not in his life it is likely there is even less motivation for him, now he is free to do exactly what he chooses. Therapy has to be sought by the person in need, it takes committment, it’s hard work and isn’t a quick fix, it takes a long time. Quite often these men think they don’t really need it either. I may be wrong but I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you, him saying or even taking a few steps towards help may just have been him telling you what you want to hear. I would focus more on you and letting go of the hope, letting him go.

An assessment won’t uncover a ‘mean streak’ and he will not tell any therapist in the land he thinks he has one – most people present in therapy being the best they can be – this is the nature of the relationship, this is what it brings about in most people – this is one part of why it can be helpful.

I suspect this is a lack of emotional intelligence, he simply reacts from his emotions and behaves like a child, in that he will say or do anything to get his own way – this often results in meanness. Or it maybe that he has a personality disorder – there is certainly no quick fix for this, it’s about learning healthier ways to manage it – which a psychiatric assessment would pick up – but getting him to the pychiatrist or the clinical psycholgists door required for this assessment can be a fight in itself, even for those who fully want it – so it will be unlikely he gets there even if it’s needed.

You will get through this flower and when you’re on the other side you feel much stronger and wiser. Mourn him yes, and the relationship you thought you had, the hopes and dreams, but focus on giving you what you need now, self care, building the life you really want and it will come good for you xx

[KIP.]

Don’t make the mistake of believing he thinks the same way you do. I once read that people like us have a vertical line of people who are important in our life so from top to bottom it might be your child, husband, mother, sister, best friend and so on down the line. Men like him have a horizontal line, I like to imagine a washing line and everybody is on that and he simply picks off the one that will give him what he wants. Dont know why but it stuck in my head. It’s so true. My ex was cheating and I now believe a serial cheater because the women on his washing line would give him what he wanted at that time. My advice is to run for the hills, run fast and never look back. In his mind he is the victim in this and he will do everything to discredit you now and make you out to be unstable and vindictive, my ex also made counter allegations with the police. Total lies but opened my eyes to just how much he cared. Made me realise that he didn’t and never did. Keep going. He is not your responsibility x

[Peacethroughhealing]

Thanks ladies. It’s all so very sad and I just have to keep hold of the anger and remember the horrible things he has done. I have asked him if he is seeing someone else and he took huge offence at this and I have never heard the end of it. He said he would never ever do that and he did cheat once before he was (detail removed by moderator) and he saw what it did to the girl when she found out so he would never ever do it. I am trying to hold onto that because if I thought he had been cheating too then that would truly end me. I did have a feeling in my gut a while back but it all stems from the car incident earlier in the year when he totally exposed himself and ever since then things have never been the same and I can only think it’s because he can’t look at me given what I know and he must have such anger for me for finding out even though it was he who exposed himself. I am surprised that the police haven’t been in touch as I might actually go ahead and make a statement now the way that I’m feeling. It’s what he would do that worries me if he was let go and knew I had reported him. What he would say about me etc. I don’t want him walking away though without a care and people thinking he’s this beautiful person and picking up a new relationship.

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