11th January 2022 at 10:04 am #136844WhiskyRoseParticipant
I am trapped. This man is an actual demon, I am (detail removed by moderator) into solicitors letters trying to get out, trying to get him to agree to sell the house or to buy me out, which he states he wants to do, but hasn’t made a single offer and refuses to discuss or co operate. I can’t even go to court yet because he finds every excuse in the book to buy more time, each time he does it costs me hundreds in solicitors emails.
This time it made me have a total breakdown, I’d just come back from (detail removed by moderator), having realised there that he has sucked the enjoyment of everything in my life out of me and I am more than likely suffering depression and disassociation from living every day with his manipulative controlling abusive ways.
I pulled up on the drive, and saw an email notification. I opened it in my car and saw the response from him to my solicitor (this is is 5th extension of time to respond) he sent that email minutes after I had (detail removed by moderator).
Reading his response, which is full of scorn and arrogance, I panicked and called someone, I started crying, having a full melt down, I felt shock, anger, hatred, rage, helplessness, hopelessness and fear.
I have to live every single day of the last (detail removed by moderator) or more with him dominating the space, making his presence felt, leaving his things in my space (his stuff just left in my bedroom where i can find it, his things on top of my things, his constant small talk, his asking if I’m ok because I’m being quiet, minutes after I’ve received his emails to my solicitor) it’s exhausting, more than exhausting. His email was insane, playing the victim whilst completely dehumanising me, referring to me as ‘the solicitors client’ and not even naming me.
This is a long message so I’m sorry but had to get it out of my head.
Before anyone judges me I can’t just leave the house, I have responsibilities, pets, I work from home, and am saving every penny I can to get the money out of the house so I can move on, I have nothing spare and I really don’t want to be judged for making the decision to stay in my own home whilst this is happening.
11th January 2022 at 10:27 am #136846Kitkat44Participant
No judgement from me whatsoever. I can completely feel the heaviness of your post. I came in here as I too feel overwhelmed.
The control is incomprehensible as I’ve realised today-it’s taken a couple of years of being on this site and learning- just how much my OH controls me and our children. I feel sick and in shock, his ‘niceness’ is all about doing the right thing for the children. He came home from work yesterday and was the model father, (detail removed by moderator). And I can’t explain to my children what he’s actually doing because it sounds bitter and like I’m bad mouthing him.
Sorry to highjack I just want you to know I feel stuck too and horrified by his insidious behaviour.
Sending love xx
11th January 2022 at 10:41 am #136848KIP.Participant
He’s going nowhere. Why should he. He has you at his fingertips to abuse which he thrives on. Can you get an occupation order to have him removed. Is there somewhere he can go and stay that you can get a court to agree to. He’s going to mess you around, run up huge legal bills for you, I’m assuming he doesn’t have a solicitor?
11th January 2022 at 11:08 am #136849Grey RockParticipant
What a horrible situation.
Do you have the support of Women’s Aid? If not please do contact them for advice and support. Their letters and involvement often holds power and they’ll have experience of these situations.
11th January 2022 at 11:15 am #136850Bestchance07Participant
I am living in the same house as my abuser too,for similar reasons. Have you tried universal credit? Please call their CAB helpline as you are entitled to some help from them in cases of DV and DA whilst you make arrangements with the house. I say this whilst still awaiting the outcome of my assessment.
I completely feel your pain, you are really not alone. He dominates the house with his things, doinates our children. Takes the liberty of walking through (detail removed by moderator). Its like prison. x
11th January 2022 at 12:38 pm #136855BananaboatParticipant
No magic answer here, but as the others have said you’re not alone. I’m in same boat, he dominates the house and our shared child. I work from home so like peace and quiet, he comes in (detail removed by moderator). It’s all about control, I know you know that, your solicitor is just another weapon in his arsenal. Remember he wants a reaction, so try not to give one to him (obviously have one but vent to friends or on here!), this situation is temporary you’ll be free one day x
11th January 2022 at 2:51 pm #136865Wants To HelpParticipant
Your despair is so clear to read and I feel for you. This is the ‘legal assisted abuse’ that the Domestic Abuse Bill is trying to address. So many of us understand how the legal system is used to cause us further emotional and financial harm.
You are doing your very best to try and resolve the problem of a broken down relationship (taking out the DA element for now) and are clearly being met with resistance. The fact that this is impacting on your mental health, is there any way that your solicitor can start proceedings for an Occupation Order on that basis? It is worth asking the question? Surely his lack of responses or his continual delaying tactics can be evidenced in a way that shows he is not looking to actively seek a solution but actively seeking to delay one? You can state that his lack of response and delaying tactics are costing you an unnecessary amount of money that you construe as financial abuse, and also look in to a Force of Sale Order for the house so that you can go ahead with the sale in order to finalise financial matters between you. If he is not engaging now and stalling at every opportunity then he will not co-operate with the sale of the house either so it may be worth pre-empting this now and speaking to your solicitor about it. One of the things with a Force of Sale Order is that if you did move out whilst this was processing he would have to pay you ‘rent’ for your half of the house as well as the mortgage, so financially, in the long run it is not in his interests either to have this drag on. Force of Sale Orders are a bit complicated but you can read about these online to understand it better – it’s just another option for you to consider.
11th January 2022 at 4:25 pm #136869nbumblebeeParticipant
Hey there is absolutly no judgement here we get it we all really get it.
Im living with mine too and i believe always will. Mine doesnt even know or care what he is doing to me.
I dont have nuch advice apart from it seems like this is yet another form of abuse a way he can keep you on your toes a new way to punish you and by the sound of it, it is working.
Do you have outside support? If not you need to reach out and grab some sweetie cause you cant and dont need to cope with this alone.
To me you have been increably brave to have even started this process you really should be so proud of yourself many of us cant even get that far so well done you, but now you need to try and hang on to that bravery and find the courage to fight on. Maybe like i said try and reach out for some extra support. We are all with you.
Sending hugs xxxxxxx
13th January 2022 at 9:30 am #136968WhiskyRoseParticipant
Thank you everyone for all your responses, reading them all has brought me to tears again, and thank you for your kind words and support most of all, it really makes a difference to how much I feel that I’ve got this.
I have spoken to local DA lines but really I think all I can do is persevere and try to hang onto my sanity, which slips now and again like in my original post.
I’ve learnt that the order of sale process doesn’t really care about DA, it’s only about the interests in the house and process to sell it.
I’ve considered occupation order, I know you need a strong case and the problem I’m having with mine, is that he has changed tactics since I started the process to leave him, it’s all covert and sly control, he’s stopped most of the screaming and verbal abuse. I’m also trying to put all my costs into getting out of the house.
I’ve tried to get as much support as I can, I’ve logged it with the Police, my GP, friends & family, and I’m starting the freedom programme soon too. It’s crazymaking as I feel that I can’t do much more to stop him other than keep going down the route I’m on unless I leave the house.
@wantstohelp, you make some really good points, even when I get the order of sale, there is still the process of selling the house which he will make very very difficult. I’m going to have a good think about those scenarios, or at least when it happens it won’t be a shock.
thank you everyone and I really hope you all find a way out of your situations, it’s amazing how similar these men are, they think they are so unique and special but they all play the same games… love to you all
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